mine

As the shadows enclose around me
I keep him close.
In my mind....
In my soul....
In my heart....

I am burning for him.
As he burns for me.

He is mine.

Mine to keep oh so close to me.

I feel him in my dreams.
Feel him sleeping next to me.
Hear his voice speaking to me.

He is mine.
He is mine.

He's all around.
Always here.

The old the haunting

I was just reminded today about a fairy tale I use to love, but now just thinking about it brings up an issue. The princess and the frog.


What in the world was this teaching little girls. Of course look beyond the books cover but what else can you get from this story. A beautiful princess finds a frog that tells her "If you kiss me you'll see I am a prince and will owe you the world." I once loved this story but now I see something else. A girl finding an awful man and trying to bring out the great in him she thinks is there. Lets face it be honest what most girls want more is a man who's unchangeable. One who's hard to get and even harder to fix. We hold on to this idea that they are good somewhere deep down and we might be the ones to break there hard exterior and our gift will be the soft core.

What are the chances of this really happening though. If you think about it most people change when something happens in their life that shows them who they don't want to be and who they are becoming and they change. They'll change their habits friends and life style and men well they have to suffer huge loss to experience this moment of "Do I change or stay the same." They have to lose something they hold dear but for guys who need to be changed usually its something to do with them selves like a job, car, hair and other selfish materialistic items.

Whats the out come though? Makes you wonder what would a women endear for a man she thinks deserves it. For example a man who beats his girlfriend for years but she stays for hope he'll change and they'll finally get their "happy ever after". What the women really gets is a court date not a happy ending with her so called "prince charming". On average how many times do these men really change with that same person in my life I haven't heard of one. I've heard of them changing with someone new but never the same woman that let him hit her more then once in the first place. It's not the woman's fault that in life we're taught to stick it out for what we believe in, no one ever warned me not to believe in trash and by the time they had it was to late I was already in love with scum with the hope he'd change and be my prince.

The sad thing is we sit by and think oh its just a cute love story that's all no harm no foul but isn't true some feminist wont let their children watch fairy tales for this very reason or for that matter play with barbies. If I had known better I'd say there was a very good reason for this and I get it now. Who's to say if it really sticks close to heart fairy tales and all but I know they did for me.

The Difference.

We were connected for almost the last 5 years. You were mine I was yours from time to time and happiness leaked from our pores. You'd be doing something I didn't like or something took longer or I was cold and I'd walk up to you bury my head in your chest and look up at you, you'd smile and say "Oh no she's giving me the Mexican eyes." and you'd stop whatever you were doing and do what I wanted you to do. I loved that I loved that I had that one look that made your heart melt and you'd cave even if you didn't want to because you knew I wanted you to.

Whenever we'd split up or have our falling out, I'd try and try to wiggle my way back into your life in anyway that I could think of. You would never let me. One time you went as far as to change your phone number which I didn't find out till way after. The thing is that, I'd always take your calls. I'd be seeing someone else, sleeping, or working but I found a way to take that call when it came every time. I'd let you drag me back in with out much of a fight. I never played around with us all I ever wanted in the start was your word that you loved me and that we'd try even harder this time to make it work.

There would always come that point were I'd forget you for just a second and then that phone would ring and there your voice would be in my ear waking me up and no matter how hard I tried to be snotty and mad at you I'd always break in the end. For you I'd do anything. If you need my kidney it'd be yours if you needed my arms they'd be yours. If you need my help my kind listening ears their yours. If you needed my heart I'd give my life to make you breath and live. Your happiness was always the center of my world. In the end I'd look at your smiling face and it'd break my heart because I was keeping something from you.

It was the only thing I could never be honest about with you. I never wanted you to know the single me. I knew you'd hate her. I knew she'd be the breaking point in who we were. I couldn't bare what it would do to you if you found out. I would break up with you, fight with you, anything to get away before the truth came out and you hated me.

Then I made up my mind. If I was really ever going to get over you and let you find what you deserve I'd have to tell you.

I told you the truth and it didn't get the response I'd always thought it would. I asked you why your answer was so perfect it made me cry.

"It doesn't matter who you've became, who you've been with, but I can't help but look at you and see my Bianca."

It was perfect. The perfect answer and I wish it could have taken my shame away. It only made me feel worse to hear these words. They are last civil words you said to me.

So I sit here and wonder a lot now. There are few things I know for sure. I know this was my fault. I ruined the only good thing I ever had. The worst part is I didn't even know I was doing it.

I want nothing more then for you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.

My wonders lately float around your new life. Her. I wonder if she wears your shirts and shorts, I wonder if she gets as much comfort from them as I do. I wear mine thin. Their all I have left of you. When I wear them I feel as if your wrapped around me. I don't sleep right with out them. When I've had a bad day I run home strip down and pull out your shirt and a pair of your shorts and I sit on my floor and cry. Their like my safety blanket I want to wear under all my clothes all the time. You use to hate me stealing your stuff then whenever you wanted to get rid of them you'd ask me first if I wanted them. Holes and all I have them. I'd trade them in a heart beat for you.

I wonder if she could ever care about you the way I do. I know she must be better then me but no one can love you the way I did. I'd give everything to start over and jump back into your old Honda accord and start fresh as little sophomores in high school. That's the bad thing though. We learn but we can never go back and do it over.

I don't want her to be happy with you. I hope she hates you and can't handle your humor and attitude the way I can. I want you happy just not with anyone else. Not when I'm still around to make you happy. It's selfish but I already told you I'd always be selfish with my love for you. I'm unhappy without you. I miss your voice, your smell, your smile, your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace on those cold cold nights. I miss "look at me, hold me, touch me, talk to me, pay attention to me!" I miss the way your hand felt in mine on those long car rides. I miss you singing in your car to a day to remember. I miss your laugh so much I'd do anything to hear it one more time.

It's funny because they say break ups never feel as hard once it's done and over and time has passed. To me it feels like your dead. I can't see you I can't hear you and I can't feel you and my heart keeps reaching out with everything it has but it can't find you. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear but I could never do that to you. I just don't know how to keep going without you. If you weren't made for me then I was made for you and no one else will do. No one is you. That's all I want in someone else i want everything you are.

I want an asshole with a sense of humor, someone mean but you know they have a sweet side, I want someone tough but so vulnerable inside you just want to keep them safe forever. I want someone who laughs like their still a careless child and you do. I want someone to work on a car all day and come over to my house smelling of oil. I want a man with working hands and a clean face. I want a man who hates hair on the back of his neck and will do anything to get rid of it, I want him to be taller then me but only so I fit right under his chin. I want your smile. Your beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes. I want someone who's breath smells like yours. Someone who loves Honda's and knows what their doing and talking about. I want someone who loves music but thinks with a straight head and would never make their life about it. I want someone who loves cheese raviolis with lots of marinara and someone who loves pb and j with lots of strawberry jelly. Someone who can eat Wendy's everyday and never get sick of it. I want a man with small feet and hands who's body fits with mine as we sleep. I want someone who will be you for me.


I can't feel my heart beating anymore but I'm still breathing. A broken heart shouldn't be allowed to have to wake up a day after being broken. It isn't fair that you have to live life after the love of your life moves on. To wake up and breath air that isn't his scent. I don't want to wake up one more morning without you, but I can't leave this world without you. You'd hate me more if I gave into myself but I need your strength to stay grounded I never was much without you and now I'm just as hollow. I wake up everyday hoping today will be the day, the day I don't feel empty, unwanted, unloved, used, and abandoned. Each morning I sit up wrap my arms around my legs and try to face another day if only for your sake. That's awful isn't it your no longer mine yet I'm holding on to myself and life for you.

I asked you once.
"Would you cry if I died?"
"What kind of question is that."
"A normal one I mean if you died I'd cry for days I'd probably have a nerves breakdown and like have to be put on tranquilizers for horses."
"I don't know I never really cry because it's like someones gone and it hurts but you still have your life and it's not they want you to be miserable and missing them so much it overwhelms you."
"It's how you deal with things. They say your never over it until you give into all your emotions and cry."
"Not me."
"Maybe because your dead inside."
"I never told you I wasn't an asshole."
"Are you saying if I died you really wouldn't cry not a tear?"
"I don't know it hasn't happened."

I let it go. I thought about it all the time I remembered my break down of 06' and how you told me to never willingly give my life up. We weren't close at all in that moment you hated me but you told me you'd go crazy if I left because of the hurt I felt from losing you.

The thing is you were a part of me a whole part. A living breathing thing inside of my soul that kept me going and driven towards the future. Now that your dead to me because you've removed yourself from my life. I'm like a lost child in a store. I know you exist and your doing just fine without me and I want you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.

today was a bad day

I've had this strange need to get a hold of Karen Gerrots mom since I got back to Iowa. Ask her if we could still keep in touch and just try to make ammends somehow. I've had a relationship with this her since I fell in love with her son all those years ago. I couldn't help but feel as if we had a bond that I missed. Some people have told me you lose the relationship you lose their family as well. Did it have to work that way. I don't believe it does. I spent holidays in her house, and whole days and afternoons with her. Yes gerrot and I were not married, and no do not have children but why just because we didnt work out is it wrong for me to care about his mom and step dad.

I've wanted to call her. I talk about her. All the time in fact. Even today I kept bringing her up. To the point where my own mother asked me what the deal was why I kept bringing up Karen. I didn't know I just missed her and the whole day seemed to be filled with reasons to bring her up. Reasons I would hate later.

We drove to Iowa City at 6:30am Monday morning went threw Charles City. I said her name for the first time then.

"I wonder how Karens doing I should call her." I thought out loud as we passed the gilbert street exit.
"Why you don't want thats stupid boy back do you?" My mother said from the front seat.
"Even if that was possible I wouldn't go through his mom. I just miss her and she was going threw a lot right before him and I stopped talking." It was true Gerrot has made himself clear and I respect that. I have my doubts everyday about the way I ended things but know it will take a miricale to win him back. I just really missed his mom and truly care about how shes doing. I mean in all fairness I always thought one day she'd be my mother in law and respect her more then my own mother most days.

"Well then why dont you call her?" My mom asked.
"I would but Gerrot made me delete her phone number something about I didnt have a right to have it after we broke up." I always say this but I know she has a house phone thats listed, I know where she lives, I know where her salon is and I know I could always call there. I just didnt want it to seem as if I was desprate. I just figured it would be better if I called her on her cell phone instead of trying every other phone she has. Honestly I dont know why I didnt just do it anyway. I should have after today I know I should have.

We got to Iowa City dropped ruth off at school then went to cedar rapids to go to sams club. I saw a huge book of scrapbooking things there.

"Oh I bet Karen would love this look." I said showing it to my mom.
"She scrapbooks?" she asked.
"Yea all the time." I said smiling, but put it down what was I going to do call Gerrot tell him he should buy it for his mom for christmas. Yea good luck getting him to answer my calls.
"That's nice I wish I could." she said moving on I ignored her.


We saw these really pretty glasses. They were heavy duty they had mooses on them.

"Oh Karen would love these! They'd match everything I saw on easter." I said lifting the box and checking the price.
"Those are nice but why are you checking the price?" my mom asked.

"I dont know." I answerd so I set them down and moved on. I really didnt want to admit I was checking the price so I could tell gerrot we should get them for his mom for christmas. What was wrong with me why couldn't I remember Gerrot and I no longer existed.

I saw these yummy preztel chips that karen had made me try once after a visit to sam's club.

"Oh wow I love these."
"What are they?" my mom said eyeing the bag.
"Their preztel chips their so good karen made me try them once."
"What's going on thats like the fifth time you've brought her up today."
"No idea. Like I said I've been thinking about getting a hold of her and well theres just lots of things about today that make me think of her. I guess" I said setting the bag down.
"It's weird you never talk about me that much."
"Oh mom dont worry I talk about you plenty."

The car ride back was uneventfull. Until we got to the first charles city exit and my aunt pulled in went to the bathroom. Mom got a pop I stayed in the car. "Almost home." I remember thinking. The next twenty or so minutes blur together though.


Theres black smoke, flashing lights, ash and a fire.

There we are pulling back on to the road and theres this cloud up ahead. A huge black cloud of smoke.

"Do you see that?" I asked my aunt and mother.
"Yea whats over there." My mom asked.
"Nothing the river maybe and fields." my aunt said. The river. My heart stopped and spead up.
"Oh my god theres houses over there." I said but I only saw one house I could only think of the only family I know in charles city. "Aunt Karen please can you go faster." I asked my voice and hands shaking as I grabbed my phone.
"Why sweetie? Whats wrong?" She asked.
My mom answered for me. "Gerrots mom lives by the river."

As we got further down the road there was that smoke. That awful black smoke making my heart race. There was their shop the one gerrot and I had spent long hours painting rims and lug nuts. Me sitting there him working on his car. But there was the smoke where there house should be as we passed the exit.

"Aunt Karen turn around please mom we have to go down there please." I begged. Tears filling my eyes. Was karen home? Was kelly inside? Did ryan come home to eat? Was gerrot there inside on his computer? Dont let anyone be home please. I prayed.
"Karen turn here." my mom said pointing ahead.
The road thats past that exit the one that goes by that harley place they were both talking but I couldnt hear a word.
"Aunt Karen please go faster." I dont know what was said all I remember is the weight of my phone in my hands as I dialed gerrots number. I held it I couldnt call until I knew he wasn't there.

The car didnt make it to gilbert street before I jumped out of it. A few months earlier Karen Gerrot Ryan and I were standing outside watching a tornado touch down across the river watching the clouds go crazy. It was the same scene darkness cars parked along the exit but this was different this was their house in flames my knees buckled as I realized there porch was gone and the entire house was black and barley standing. My hands flew to my face and the first wimper extied my mouth. I grabbed a sherif as I heard my mom call me from behind me. I couldn't listen to her right now I needed to know something.

"Were the smiths in the house?"I asked in a panic.
"What?" he asked stepping closer.
"Karen and Ryan Smith were they in the house?" I asked again hearing my voice shack.
"No one was home but you should back up." he said this as I walked around him.

Karen where was karen I pushed call on my phone and let it ring after to it went to voice mail. "gerrot" was all it said.
"Gerrot I'm out front of your moms house and it's on fire." I dont know if I said more I dont even know why I said fire. I just had to let him know how serious this was. I kept walking. I had to find Karen. My mom called from behind me. I finally turned to look at her.
"Did you call gerrot." she asked.
"Yea just now he didnt answer he ignored my phone call like always. I have to find Karen that sherif said no one was inside." I told her turning back to the house why was it still burning? Why this house? Where is Karen?

Then my phone beeped. It was gerrot. I don't know if I said anything I dont even remember what he said exacatally. I remember anger. well deserved anger. A threat that if I was there when he got there hed kill me "beat my face in" was all I heard. "fine" I said hanging up.

I turned around and headed back towards the car.
"where are you going?" my mother asked.
"that was gerrot he's here or coming or something he doesn't want me here." I said tears waiting to burst.
"no you find karen right now bianca you'll hate yourself if you dont." she said
"mom he's not joking he said he was going to beat my face in if he saw me." I said turning around again.
"bianca no stop."
I looked at her and I knew she was right and out of the corner of my eye I say it her poniac torrid just up the road she wasnt in it. I started jogging until I saw her. Sitting on a gurney. Was she hurt? I thought the sherif said no one was inside? I finally got to her side.
"Karen." She turned to look at me as I sat next to her.
"Oh bianca." She said crying harder then before. I grabbed her and held onto her as tight as I could. What was I doing, what do I say now, what if gerrot comes walking up and rips me away from her. I felt her hands around my back holding on just as tight as I was I felt the tears run down my face finally giving up thinking.
"Karen I'm so sorry." I whispered
"How did you hear?" she asked.
"I didnt we were coming back and we saw the smoke. I had to come down." I felt her grip tighten more and her sobs increased it broke my heart that I didnt have one thing to say to this women who had been my mother at times.
"Oh bianca everythings gone." she said. I was to young in this moment to inexperienced, there wasn't a thing I could say to make this situation better I was just so glad ryan and her weren't in the house that was falling in ashes all around us. So I just said.
"I know but look, you and ryan weren't in there it could have been worse. Really it could have." Then it hit me. I pulled her away and looked at her face wiping tears from under her eyes. "Karen wheres was kelly?" She didn't need to say she fell back on my shoulder and gripped me tight as the sobs fought their way out. I pulled her tighter as I started to cry again. They had just lost shelby and now their home and kelly. Then I dreamed it or she said it. I still can't figure it out. "I wish you were still with gerrot." Through the sobs I thought she might have meant with him here or maybe I wish you were gerrot. So I said the only thing that would fit all three.
"I know I'm so sorry but he doesn't want me here I can't stay." I cried more and let her hang on to me she needed someone. I was there. I didn't want to leave I could see the ashes covering our jeans and the ground in front of us the ashes of her dream of her life. I let her tears fall on my shoulder as I rocked us both back and forth rubbing her back. Trying everything I knew to comfort her. Why did I have to leave I got here first this wasnt fair to her she knows now that I care and now I have to run when she just needs anyone to hold her as her life turns to ash. I could be anyone a stranger a neighbor anyone but it was me. Someone she knew and at one point enjoyed and respected. I'd leave when her son took my place he should be here why wasnt he her. Karens sobs had soften I looked over and saw my mom coming closer placing her hand on karens knee. It broke my heart. I had told karen before "There's just something about my mom thats always made us bump heads." But here she was trying to comfort a women she barely knew because she knew how important she was to me. Karens head now rested on my shoulder. The tears had slowed for a moment.
"How did it start?" I asked.
"They wont know till they put it out." she said. Tears still striking her face.

I thought then about her house. I walked in the garage with gerrot though to the kitchen set my purse on the counter saw karen at the sink washing her hands saw kelly sitting on gerrots lap at the table that was set for a meal with her moose set plates and coffee mugs that were just the right size, saw her "office" with all of her supplys for scrap booking her computer her laptop and the pictures that covered the walls, gerrots teddy bears and the view of the river and their bench swing in the back yard, the big comfy couchs in the living room kellys canal the big stone wall that held all of her scrapbooks more pictures and cute knick knacks of black bears, the window that let you see more of the back yard and the river down bellow and on the opposite wall a window the same size facing the street, saw memories of kelly up on the couch as me and karen sat there laughing becasue she had heard gerrot start his acura, I saw gerrots scrap book that I longed to be a part of everytime I had flipped threw it, seeing his life the way his mother saw it the way it looked best and their was the prom page there where our happy faces looking back at me and the tickets the only page I'd ever be on, I saw the front door where we'd let kelly out to play, the upstairs bathroom that was my size the bed room were me and gerrot had slept just one night with his old dresser that still had school pictures of ex girl friends and I bet the letters that where in the drawers were from brittany, and karen and ryans bedroom where their clothes lined the wall. everything all of it gone forever.

My heart was broken. I wished I was wiser smarter better equipped to say just the right things. The only thing I could do was hold her.
"Karen was there anything you needed." my mother asked her eyes searching she probably felt as helpless as I did.
"No." Karen said. Tears still running down her face. I wished I could stop this day from happening somehow.
"Anyone you need me to call maybe." Mom said.
"No ryans making the calls I don't know where my phone is." Karen added looking around. I grabbed mine from my pocket and saw it had been 20 minutes since I got off the phone with gerrot.
"Karen I should go." I said hugging her tightly I didn't let go until she lost her grip on my sides.
"Yea he'll be here soon." she said looking at me. Seeing her face made me cry more.
"Yea and he really doesn't want me here, but if you need anything at all just let me know." I said "Wait I dont have your phone number any longer um what was it."
I hugged her one last time. "Karen I mean it ok anything at all just let me know and I'll be here okay."
"Okay thank you for being here." she said.
I couldn't move so knelt next to her and said. "I'm still here no matter what okay I love you Karen."
"I love you too Bianca." She said. I knew I did. I knew today was one of the hardest days of her life.

It ripped through me worse then I thought it would.

On the way home he called again. He blamed me for every bad thing that had ever happened to him cause I was there. He blamed me and I let him because he needed to blame someone.

California Bound

I've been up and down this road before
I always seem to find myself here, back here.
I've been traveling far thinking
of the way your lips feel on mine
thinking of your touch.
Turning up the radio trying to
drown out the memories of your voice
in my ear.

I'm on this road hoping I don't miss
this on those cold beaches out west
when all I have is myself
and your miles away.

My greatest fear is I'll lose you
but then why must I leave?

I do have to leave my spirts already
there waiting for me to catch it.
I have yet to know how I'll feel when
my plane hits the open air and the
space between us grows but it worries
me that I'm leaving you behind forever.
Was this the plan all along?
Was I always supposed to leave you?

Apart of me knows I've already lost you.
I'm just pulling the plug on this.
But I know I'll miss it. Us and the
hope things will be better in the
morning.

They wont. They never are.

DTF??

So I have been called DTF since I was 12 years old(by girls in my grade 7th who were learning to give blow jobs on each others boyfriends. BTW).

Which is funny because I didn't have sex until I was 14. For the very first time and I just so happened to not want it and it was rape (I'm sure if you don't believe me go to the court house and look it up the case file should be there.) by a brothers friend who was 20 at the time.

Since then I can count my sexual partners on one hand. Yet I'm still DTF? Really people[Kevin Mason]? I mean yes I am really flirtatious and yes I have kissed my far share of guys but to call someone easy or a whore don't you have to know for a fact that they have willingly hopped on at least lets say 7 guys dicks just this year?

That's at least what I say is a whore for sure and I know this because at least four of my friends at one point or still are maybe are whores or slutty if you will. Yes I can see why me having friends that are easy will give people the impression that I am easy as well but, yes theres always a but, but you still have to know at least a handful of people someones fucked or done crazy shit with random guys to know for sure. I mean asking a drunk girl at a party if she wants to fuck you and she says no with a smile and walks away and never does fuck you does not [I repeat DOES NOT] Give you the right to call her a whore. Yes she might have made out with you at a party. Yes she might have hooked up with one of your old friends months earlier and yes she might have played along with one text here or there but this does not make her i.e. me a whore. I apologize if kissing in your book is slutty of whorish but to me you are a whore if you are more then willing to let the panties drop or do favors for male friends.

This makes sense does it not?

Yet a very nice smart well driven friendly girl who likes to party and occasionally makes out with the random guy? Really leave her i.e. me alone.

Proof that kissing is not a slutty thing the definition from urban dictionary.[I know but still read on]

Whore:
(1) A term used by people who sleep around to insult someone who doesn't; as for an act of jealousy.

(2) A woman who is paid for sexual services.

and slut:

Someone who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him a sympathy fuck either because someone asked her to or she just has to fuck everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitely increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are.

and for shits and giggles dtf.

DTF:

DTF = "DOWN TO FUCK"

DOWN TO GET THAT DICK

DTFNE1
down to fuck any 1

and what the hell I don't make the cut for a make out whore either because here goes make out whore:

make out whore
a girl that makes out with numerous guys, sober or intoxicated, but has no intentions of making a relationship out of it. she does this for pure pleasure and the enjoyment of the moment.

See at my craziest level of intoxication I have kissed one boy and a very good girlfriend in the same night but never I repeat never "numerous guys" and always has it been after way to much to drink which is never an excuse but sure encourages the situation. And yes I know most people think kissing girls in front of guys is slutty but she is a very good friend who I do not kiss sober and only occasionally kiss drunk. so maybe I'll give you that one fair?

So next time you call someone a whore i.e. me because your pissed they never let you but your little tiny dick inside them and maybe she did let that one guy she dated for 4 1/2 years and that other guy you know who works at best buy does not qualify her as a whore pre say.

Yes maybe a MAKE OUT whore but never a slut or DTF okay? okay peachy and yes I know this will only piss on your fire and you will talk more but that's fine because I wouldn't fuck you then and I will not fuck you now. So sorry you feel the need to call a RAPE victim a whore bravo to you KEVIN MASON make me feel like shit after I pretty much defend you to everyone but its cool next time someone says "I don't know that Kevin Mason guy seems like an ass." I will look them in the eye and say "Why yes, yes he is. and boy do I got a story to tell you about him." So there you are Kevin put that in your bong and smoke it.[which I know you do very well]

tootles!

Best Friends

I have this amazing friend. His name is jordan. We got thrown into the same group because we both work at best buy and seem to like all the same things. Soon after we ran into each other at someone's house we decided we were friends. We would find ourselves at parties sitting on the floor with people all around talking loudly just sitting there listening to one another about every little problem in our life's we'd smile and call each other losers get up grab some beers and go smoke a cigarette. But one day one day these talks meant more to me because suddenly I remembered why I started talking to jordan in the first place I was attracted to him. I had been from the start. He was once nick named that cute boy back in media with the lip ring. Suddenly I needed him and want his attention loved it when he texted me loved it when we went together to parties and loved it more when we found each other on the floors of parties together. Loved it more when I found him taking me home at the end of the night. Me leaving my phone in his car him putting it in my door like a letter...

Suddenly this friend this best friend was giving me more and more advise on my relationship problems and I agreed with him. I knew I had to get out I believed him. I heard all his reasons and kinda of took them with a girls heart he wanted me out of my relationship. Why? Yes Gerrot was controlling. Yes Gerrot made me lose my self and never let me just go out with my friends. But Why did Jordan want me away from Gerrot. So he could finally hang out with me. Gerrot didn't like jordan saw jordan as a threat and yea I told him otherwise even though I knew better. I knew I liked jordan as more then a friend but.. I had kissed him once at a party felt more but he was in a weird place and didn't want it to change us.

Then one day I threw in the towel ended my relationship just the way me and jordan talked about. I finally got the time with jordan I needed. I found myself at his parties crashing in his bed. Having him sleep next to me and enjoying waking up next to him. Was it what jordan wanted I thought so. He would kiss me or put his arm around me and hold me at night it was comforting to finally have what I wanted.

One night at a party I told him lets see where the summer goes with us. He agreed "Let's try it out."

Then the next night he didn't want to try anymore he wasn't "ready", and didn't want to ruin anything because he wasn't "ready for anything". There I was walking with him. There he was kissing me after he told me he wasn't ready for anything maybe he was unsure maybe I could convince him this was a good idea.

Later that night we found ourselves in the same twin bed again we found ourselves caught up in the moment kissing. I heard him ask "Do you think this will change things if we go here I don't want anything to get ruined." I found myself thinking "I want this to change everything, I want to be yours." So I lied. "I wont let this change anything." I heard him say "good because I mean what I said earlier but I'm really attracted to you." I giggled and kissed him again. We went there that night. We fell asleep later in each others arms. We woke up kissing and laughing. "how could he not want this?" was all I could think.

He wasn't lying he doesn't want to move forward he wants to move backwards. He wants to go back to being friends but being the girl that I am I don't know how to go back. I want to go back for him but I don't know how! When I look at him I smile. When I hug him I never want to let go. When he looks at me it really is as if he sees no one else, but he doesn't want more. Anymore that is because we already went there and have a few times after that night. He's just not ready.

Then things got weird he swear we'd stay friends that's what he wanted but he wasn't texting me and he never talked to me at parties. There was even word he was talking bad about me. I never asked him I couldn't. Summer was coming to an end we were both leaving and we would never say goodbye. I lost a small part in one of my closes friends that summer. I never knew sleeping with a guy would turn him into such a girl. Smack talk and all he was acting like a bugged out chick. I forgave him. I moved he moved. I never thought that when our paths crossed again we'd find that those moments that once meant so much to me would still be there. You know the moments I'm talking about those moments where the room goes quite and your eyes meet and there's a whole conversation going on between the two of you that no one else can hear. He could still hear me with out me speaking a word and some how we found ourselves sneaking off and making plans and hiding under tables. Then we fell into that damn twin bed again. The next morning I knew what I wanted and I knew what I could have. I told jordan we could never do this again. If we are friends we're friends if this is what keeps us talking it's done. I left it in the air and for a while it seemed as if all was fine. Until it just wasn't. We still chat we keep up on each others lives but I'm terrified that our friendship will never be the same with out that weird closeness only couples should share even though lets face it jordan never gave us the chance to be a couple.

Heels over Head

I sit here in this room
this room is the only thing I've
had thats close to a studio.

Feeling like I'm on a stage everyday
Guitar in hand and I'm strumming songs.
Songs I've never heard.

Words I've never said out loud.
The things I've felt but never
said out loud.

Every word was meant for you
these words are yours. Yours to keep
and hold close when I'm far way.

Words make the world go.
They change things ruin or make better.
Turn you into someone your not.

If I had said these words out loud,
a million years ago would you have listend.
What would they have meant to you?

These words I'll never speak but strum to
myself these words are yours to keep but
words you'll never hear.

These words are mine.

Didn't see that coming.

I have pretty eventful life i do alot of silly things with alobt of amazing people. But when something happens and it surprises me you know it's a big deal. So there I am on late night sitting at dining room table room filled with talkable people and I just so happen to be next to a drunk guy who'd have guessed he's babling I'm not listening thinking about running out side for a quick smoke when I hear it the word that always catches my attention love:

"Wait What?" I asked.
"Love is what it's all about. We wouldn't be anything without it, and no one wants anything but it. Forget money, fame and health. We only want love. Lets face it you'd be poor living in a box as long as the person next to you was the person you were in love with rather then healthy rich and living in an amazing house alone. People lie cheat steal and pretend for love every single day that's what it's all about." said drunky next to me.
"Wow" I said.
"Yea until we all realize we aren't worth it. Because we're all selfish bastards."
"Huh." Thats when it happened.
I have this amazing moment with a guy where every word that leaves his mouth is so true and he ruins it. Or did he?

Lalalala

I'm the imperfect girl who wants what she doesn't have but has everything she ever wanted? It's a curse I excepted years ago. One I came to terms with and figured it would do me no harm. But here it is ruining my happiness.

I sit here with a wonderful boyfriend great friends money in the bank a nice place to live and lots of family that support me.

This wonderful boyfriend is the one I've wanted to be with since the first time I meet him four years ago. We're finally in a place that's safe and there is no drama what so ever were picture perfect. He is everything I want and need. But in my craziness I hate him want nothing to do with him and do everything in my power to drive him away. But if he left tomorrow took the high road and just got out of my life, I'd want him back before he got to the end of his street.

I have always done this the things I've wanted in my life have always been at my finger tips waiting for me to grab them and the second I do I don't care for them again but the minute there gone I want them right back. What is this silly thing I call a craziness. No idea. Yes I am bi-polar who isn't? Is this the root to my problems who knows.

The craziness is something I've always made excuses for but if it leads to me destroying my life I will never forgive myself. I have constantly pushed away everything that can leave me by choice for the insane fear it will have the chance to leave me first. You guessed it the second it's gone I want it back right now. This may or may not be the reason for ex boyfriends being repeats all through out my life over and over again taking their turns because I can be happy but the second they are I want them now and make them believe they want me and that I'm the best choice in the matter.

Example's of craziness:
I have 223 t-shirts in my closet because I can't stand the idea of someone having them other then me but I hate them and only wear a handful of them.

4 out of 9 of my previous relationships are guys who moved far far away soon after we were broken up. The rest I went back and fourth between until someone new caught my attention and got put into rotation. The four that got away were not saved one still had to deal with me for a year and a half!

The others they eventually got cut loose because well out of sight out of mind. Now since graduation there are no other relationships there is wonderful boyfriend and a few guys I enjoy the company of nothing serious nope to much work for me getting in and out of relationships when tada look I don't have to I can just hang out with these four guys all at once and never worry. Wow and the funniest part is 3 have been from out of town so they got cut out of rotation to.

Don't believe for a second anyone is safe. The guys who are lucky enough to be "just friends" my best friends the second I think their in a relationship or about to start one I throw a curve ball at them like "wait look at me I think I might want more then a friendship?" Wow and guys these days are easy that works and they don't notice the craziness that starts off "entertain me for 5 minutes and I'll just scoot the room for new pray." "okay now get away they might think we're together and run away" "you know how I thought I wanted to be more then friends sorry big misunderstanding." I mean really? Come on the fact that I know all this about myself and continue to keep it going is ludicrous but you wont see me putting a stop to it anytime soon. For reasons so unknown to me.

Maybe I just get bored easily but there i am making up excuses for my need to ruin every good thing in my life. Wow good one huh? Yes you would think that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery but in that case I've been recovering for 6 years. 6 years is a long time even for ex-meth heads.

So here I sit with a power switch in my hand that says wonderful boyfriend that I'm just dying to turn off but every time I get close I stop myself. The second I stop myself the power buttons in my hand again just waiting.

You can't have it the way you want.

Trust and love go
hand in hand you
can never have one
with out the other.

Love and happiness go
hand in hand one is
not the same with
out the other.

You can love someone
without trusting them
and you can be in love
but not happy.

Trust is like a mirror
once you break it you
can never look at
it the same.

Doesn't matter how hard
you want it to be the same
and make you feel the same way...
Once you break something you
can never really enjoy it
the way you once did...

I love you,
I don't trust you not to hurt me,
I don't trust you to keep me safe,
I don't trust you to make me happy,
I don't trust you to keep me sane,
I don't trust you to make me important,
I don't trust you to stay with me,
I don't trust you to change...

I've given you chances a million in two times.
I've risked it all to try one more time for you
I've put my heart on the line
and gotten nothing but screwed in return
I can't do it again...

I love you but that's not enough with out happiness and trust..
I'm sorry but it just will never be the same you broke me and you don't really understand or care that I'm only broken for you.
On my own I'm fine. I have to do what's right for me.
Right now that doesn't involve you at all.

Who needs progress..

Don't be disappointed in the progress I've made.
If I fall for you today and wake up tomorrow with a heart full of regrets....
We are a secret our lips can't speak in empty hallways
were we both stand. If the words leave our mouths
our lips will linger tangle and lose the battle we've been
fighting to end them where they started.

If our lips meet in every way they shouldn't I'm sorry.
We're a desire that's unattainable...
Stop looking at me like you know me,
as if you know what's inside and floating
on my mind, stop looking at me like you love me,
stop looking at me like you can only see me,
Cause honey you destroy my attempts to stop
us from happening with a look like that.

Love is a child's game and I'm ready to go out
and call a do over and feel you once again.
If only there wasn't so much at stake I'd
risk it all I'd throw my life on the table for
one more second flying threw the air with you.
Somethings different about your touch now that
I can finally feel you again.
Somethings different about your voice
now that I can safely hear it mixed with mine.
Somethings different about the way you look
now that I can finally see you your body tangled with mine.
Somethings different about the way you taste
on my mouth now that our lips have finally touched again.
A lust like ours is impossible to find but we've found it.
So think of me tonight when your alone let these
memories keep you tossing and turning in your bed
as you look at the celling wondering what's missing..
baby it's me it's always been me.
You touch me like I want to be touched without being asked or told.
You kiss me like you want me here and now,
make my knees weak I can smell the liquor feel it burning
my own throat and know it's what brought you here
and that I should turn you away but its your hand
lingering on my back that wont let me let this go not
this quickly..
"Baby your like walking sex that's been walking by me for months teasing."
You say as you kiss my neck. I giggle like I had before because I feel the same when I catch myself in your gaze...

When you awake in the morning I tell you I'm sorry.
I know we messed up. You look at me and smile.
"No we did exactly what we were supposed to do."
You sit up and move over I smile to myself and say out loud.
"I guess we both knew it would happen again eventually."
You smile and pull me onto your lap my head falls on your
shoulder and I can't help but not feel regret for letting the
night take us over.
But I've missed it all for
so long I lost my way.

I missed myself in your arms,
your kiss upon my body and
that look in your eye. To regret
every mistake we made last night.
Would be a shameful loss on my part.
I feel your eyes piercing into my soul like
a hot needle. I need this feeling to feel
right when I'm near you...
I know it might not last again.The thought
is already making it hard
to breathe forget lust it's a dangerous thing
to want what you cant have.
Yet you and I are extremely jinxed with the
teasing taste of lust together.

So unfair...

As soon as you break up with someone or as soon as you are no longer in each other’s lives for what ever reason, they should forget all the little things they’d do that you loved all the things that made you smile or at least they should never be allowed to do it again. Right? Or am I crazy to think this? I just don't understand the meaning of bringing the past into the present. What can possibly be gained from this? Power? Think of it this way you could have had more power staying with me. Plus I have clearly moved on? Or does the fact that it bothers me mean I haven't moved on? Why on earth do guys come into your life find out everything you love about them decide they hate you never want to speak to you again unless other people are around and then they insist on doing the one thing that drives you crazy? The worse part of it all is that he ended it he walked away and left us as we were. Me completely dumbfounded because like a stupid chick he'd turned me into I thought things were going really good with us. Then BAM like a bad joke nothing not a hey hows it going, you still a live, whats up. And wow icing on the cake I work with him so here we are at work and he'll come out of left field and start rubbing my neck? Wait what did that really just happen? I mean come on. As if its not awkward enough that I made the mistake of starting anything with someone I work with and think the world of but now he throws this curve ball at me that leaves me with my jaw hanging in complete amazement wondering "am I crazy?" to top it all off he'll walk away after this completely stupid move and wink at me? Really. Really this is what I have to deal with now just because we have history? Why on earth would it be okay to do this. I never thought about it at party's when he'd come up behind me and touch the small of my back and stay there or when he'd lean close to say something in my ear or even when I'd catch him looking at me from across a room but when all this started at work I was completely left for crazy thinking a million thoughts per second. What do I do next tell him to knock it of or will that encourage it. Tell my boyfriend "oh you know that guy I slept with off and on again last year yea him his been rubbing my neck at work." That will go over great. ha not. It's fine I will deal with it for the short time I can until he moves at the end of summer. You know why. Because I'm still that stupid chick standing there waiting for him to come back. I still have this crazy idea we can be "just friends" and nothing else. That all the things he said about "our friendship meaning a lot to him and how he wasn't ready to risk it when we were both straight out of relationships." were true and that he just needs more time. I'll deal with it cause I was the stupid one to begin with thinking it would ever be more then it was. Given the fact we spent all our time together and that all our friends assumed we were together. Who knows maybe it wasn't such a far fetched idea. But if you ask me it really was the biggest mistake i made with him and I think we both knew it the hole time.

one, two, three, FOUR

Is it fair that I want it all?

I want the love of my life to love me forever as long as I want him, I want the perfect job with the perfect pay and hours,I want my best friends from high school to still be my best friends. Um now that last one. Why is it that after graduation you drift?

I mean yeah we had the talks like all of senior’s do their senior year. “Who do you think you’ll never talk to again after graduation?”

But how fair is it that your very best friend since the minute you were thrown into the same classes together and got over the hole she was not born in this country thing is the one person you miss the most when their supposed to be you best friend forever and all that jazz?
I mean really I have friends from high school I didn’t think I’d ever speak to again after graduation but here they are right at my side backing me up making me feel amazing. The one person I acutaully had these talks with is the one person I don’t talk to on a weekly basis hell I’m lucky if I talk to her once a month…. But the sad part is I miss her.

All the time.

I go shopping with new friends or to diner and a movie or even looking for a new place to live and I look over at them expecting to see Marinela and when she’s not there when I wasn’t dreaming she really isn’t my best friend anymore and suddenly everything I did for that girl in high school I suddenly regret?

I mean yeah were all super busy hell I have a boyfriend who’s attached to my hip a job and my lovely family life plus more then a couple of dozen friends I make time for. So why is it easy for me to throw you a text or an email and it’s completely impossibly for you to do the same every once and a while. I mean come on I see you change you facebook status a dozen times a day pop over to my page and through me a cute message. Say hello over there you still alive that’s all I want. Hey and you know what if it’s something I did even better tell me and I’ll fix it I promise I’ll make it all better, and we can go back to hating the same stupid sluts that we’ve hated forever and pigging out while watching the hills because hey!!! Guess what when every comment I leave you is I miss you. Take the hint because one day I wont be there anymore. I’ll have finally given up dropped my signs and moved on from that place on the side of your life where you never notice me.