The Difference.

We were connected for almost the last 5 years. You were mine I was yours from time to time and happiness leaked from our pores. You'd be doing something I didn't like or something took longer or I was cold and I'd walk up to you bury my head in your chest and look up at you, you'd smile and say "Oh no she's giving me the Mexican eyes." and you'd stop whatever you were doing and do what I wanted you to do. I loved that I loved that I had that one look that made your heart melt and you'd cave even if you didn't want to because you knew I wanted you to.

Whenever we'd split up or have our falling out, I'd try and try to wiggle my way back into your life in anyway that I could think of. You would never let me. One time you went as far as to change your phone number which I didn't find out till way after. The thing is that, I'd always take your calls. I'd be seeing someone else, sleeping, or working but I found a way to take that call when it came every time. I'd let you drag me back in with out much of a fight. I never played around with us all I ever wanted in the start was your word that you loved me and that we'd try even harder this time to make it work.

There would always come that point were I'd forget you for just a second and then that phone would ring and there your voice would be in my ear waking me up and no matter how hard I tried to be snotty and mad at you I'd always break in the end. For you I'd do anything. If you need my kidney it'd be yours if you needed my arms they'd be yours. If you need my help my kind listening ears their yours. If you needed my heart I'd give my life to make you breath and live. Your happiness was always the center of my world. In the end I'd look at your smiling face and it'd break my heart because I was keeping something from you.

It was the only thing I could never be honest about with you. I never wanted you to know the single me. I knew you'd hate her. I knew she'd be the breaking point in who we were. I couldn't bare what it would do to you if you found out. I would break up with you, fight with you, anything to get away before the truth came out and you hated me.

Then I made up my mind. If I was really ever going to get over you and let you find what you deserve I'd have to tell you.

I told you the truth and it didn't get the response I'd always thought it would. I asked you why your answer was so perfect it made me cry.

"It doesn't matter who you've became, who you've been with, but I can't help but look at you and see my Bianca."

It was perfect. The perfect answer and I wish it could have taken my shame away. It only made me feel worse to hear these words. They are last civil words you said to me.

So I sit here and wonder a lot now. There are few things I know for sure. I know this was my fault. I ruined the only good thing I ever had. The worst part is I didn't even know I was doing it.

I want nothing more then for you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.

My wonders lately float around your new life. Her. I wonder if she wears your shirts and shorts, I wonder if she gets as much comfort from them as I do. I wear mine thin. Their all I have left of you. When I wear them I feel as if your wrapped around me. I don't sleep right with out them. When I've had a bad day I run home strip down and pull out your shirt and a pair of your shorts and I sit on my floor and cry. Their like my safety blanket I want to wear under all my clothes all the time. You use to hate me stealing your stuff then whenever you wanted to get rid of them you'd ask me first if I wanted them. Holes and all I have them. I'd trade them in a heart beat for you.

I wonder if she could ever care about you the way I do. I know she must be better then me but no one can love you the way I did. I'd give everything to start over and jump back into your old Honda accord and start fresh as little sophomores in high school. That's the bad thing though. We learn but we can never go back and do it over.

I don't want her to be happy with you. I hope she hates you and can't handle your humor and attitude the way I can. I want you happy just not with anyone else. Not when I'm still around to make you happy. It's selfish but I already told you I'd always be selfish with my love for you. I'm unhappy without you. I miss your voice, your smell, your smile, your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace on those cold cold nights. I miss "look at me, hold me, touch me, talk to me, pay attention to me!" I miss the way your hand felt in mine on those long car rides. I miss you singing in your car to a day to remember. I miss your laugh so much I'd do anything to hear it one more time.

It's funny because they say break ups never feel as hard once it's done and over and time has passed. To me it feels like your dead. I can't see you I can't hear you and I can't feel you and my heart keeps reaching out with everything it has but it can't find you. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear but I could never do that to you. I just don't know how to keep going without you. If you weren't made for me then I was made for you and no one else will do. No one is you. That's all I want in someone else i want everything you are.

I want an asshole with a sense of humor, someone mean but you know they have a sweet side, I want someone tough but so vulnerable inside you just want to keep them safe forever. I want someone who laughs like their still a careless child and you do. I want someone to work on a car all day and come over to my house smelling of oil. I want a man with working hands and a clean face. I want a man who hates hair on the back of his neck and will do anything to get rid of it, I want him to be taller then me but only so I fit right under his chin. I want your smile. Your beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes. I want someone who's breath smells like yours. Someone who loves Honda's and knows what their doing and talking about. I want someone who loves music but thinks with a straight head and would never make their life about it. I want someone who loves cheese raviolis with lots of marinara and someone who loves pb and j with lots of strawberry jelly. Someone who can eat Wendy's everyday and never get sick of it. I want a man with small feet and hands who's body fits with mine as we sleep. I want someone who will be you for me.


I can't feel my heart beating anymore but I'm still breathing. A broken heart shouldn't be allowed to have to wake up a day after being broken. It isn't fair that you have to live life after the love of your life moves on. To wake up and breath air that isn't his scent. I don't want to wake up one more morning without you, but I can't leave this world without you. You'd hate me more if I gave into myself but I need your strength to stay grounded I never was much without you and now I'm just as hollow. I wake up everyday hoping today will be the day, the day I don't feel empty, unwanted, unloved, used, and abandoned. Each morning I sit up wrap my arms around my legs and try to face another day if only for your sake. That's awful isn't it your no longer mine yet I'm holding on to myself and life for you.

I asked you once.
"Would you cry if I died?"
"What kind of question is that."
"A normal one I mean if you died I'd cry for days I'd probably have a nerves breakdown and like have to be put on tranquilizers for horses."
"I don't know I never really cry because it's like someones gone and it hurts but you still have your life and it's not they want you to be miserable and missing them so much it overwhelms you."
"It's how you deal with things. They say your never over it until you give into all your emotions and cry."
"Not me."
"Maybe because your dead inside."
"I never told you I wasn't an asshole."
"Are you saying if I died you really wouldn't cry not a tear?"
"I don't know it hasn't happened."

I let it go. I thought about it all the time I remembered my break down of 06' and how you told me to never willingly give my life up. We weren't close at all in that moment you hated me but you told me you'd go crazy if I left because of the hurt I felt from losing you.

The thing is you were a part of me a whole part. A living breathing thing inside of my soul that kept me going and driven towards the future. Now that your dead to me because you've removed yourself from my life. I'm like a lost child in a store. I know you exist and your doing just fine without me and I want you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.