Best Friends

I have this amazing friend. His name is jordan. We got thrown into the same group because we both work at best buy and seem to like all the same things. Soon after we ran into each other at someone's house we decided we were friends. We would find ourselves at parties sitting on the floor with people all around talking loudly just sitting there listening to one another about every little problem in our life's we'd smile and call each other losers get up grab some beers and go smoke a cigarette. But one day one day these talks meant more to me because suddenly I remembered why I started talking to jordan in the first place I was attracted to him. I had been from the start. He was once nick named that cute boy back in media with the lip ring. Suddenly I needed him and want his attention loved it when he texted me loved it when we went together to parties and loved it more when we found each other on the floors of parties together. Loved it more when I found him taking me home at the end of the night. Me leaving my phone in his car him putting it in my door like a letter...

Suddenly this friend this best friend was giving me more and more advise on my relationship problems and I agreed with him. I knew I had to get out I believed him. I heard all his reasons and kinda of took them with a girls heart he wanted me out of my relationship. Why? Yes Gerrot was controlling. Yes Gerrot made me lose my self and never let me just go out with my friends. But Why did Jordan want me away from Gerrot. So he could finally hang out with me. Gerrot didn't like jordan saw jordan as a threat and yea I told him otherwise even though I knew better. I knew I liked jordan as more then a friend but.. I had kissed him once at a party felt more but he was in a weird place and didn't want it to change us.

Then one day I threw in the towel ended my relationship just the way me and jordan talked about. I finally got the time with jordan I needed. I found myself at his parties crashing in his bed. Having him sleep next to me and enjoying waking up next to him. Was it what jordan wanted I thought so. He would kiss me or put his arm around me and hold me at night it was comforting to finally have what I wanted.

One night at a party I told him lets see where the summer goes with us. He agreed "Let's try it out."

Then the next night he didn't want to try anymore he wasn't "ready", and didn't want to ruin anything because he wasn't "ready for anything". There I was walking with him. There he was kissing me after he told me he wasn't ready for anything maybe he was unsure maybe I could convince him this was a good idea.

Later that night we found ourselves in the same twin bed again we found ourselves caught up in the moment kissing. I heard him ask "Do you think this will change things if we go here I don't want anything to get ruined." I found myself thinking "I want this to change everything, I want to be yours." So I lied. "I wont let this change anything." I heard him say "good because I mean what I said earlier but I'm really attracted to you." I giggled and kissed him again. We went there that night. We fell asleep later in each others arms. We woke up kissing and laughing. "how could he not want this?" was all I could think.

He wasn't lying he doesn't want to move forward he wants to move backwards. He wants to go back to being friends but being the girl that I am I don't know how to go back. I want to go back for him but I don't know how! When I look at him I smile. When I hug him I never want to let go. When he looks at me it really is as if he sees no one else, but he doesn't want more. Anymore that is because we already went there and have a few times after that night. He's just not ready.

Then things got weird he swear we'd stay friends that's what he wanted but he wasn't texting me and he never talked to me at parties. There was even word he was talking bad about me. I never asked him I couldn't. Summer was coming to an end we were both leaving and we would never say goodbye. I lost a small part in one of my closes friends that summer. I never knew sleeping with a guy would turn him into such a girl. Smack talk and all he was acting like a bugged out chick. I forgave him. I moved he moved. I never thought that when our paths crossed again we'd find that those moments that once meant so much to me would still be there. You know the moments I'm talking about those moments where the room goes quite and your eyes meet and there's a whole conversation going on between the two of you that no one else can hear. He could still hear me with out me speaking a word and some how we found ourselves sneaking off and making plans and hiding under tables. Then we fell into that damn twin bed again. The next morning I knew what I wanted and I knew what I could have. I told jordan we could never do this again. If we are friends we're friends if this is what keeps us talking it's done. I left it in the air and for a while it seemed as if all was fine. Until it just wasn't. We still chat we keep up on each others lives but I'm terrified that our friendship will never be the same with out that weird closeness only couples should share even though lets face it jordan never gave us the chance to be a couple.