Lalalala

I'm the imperfect girl who wants what she doesn't have but has everything she ever wanted? It's a curse I excepted years ago. One I came to terms with and figured it would do me no harm. But here it is ruining my happiness.

I sit here with a wonderful boyfriend great friends money in the bank a nice place to live and lots of family that support me.

This wonderful boyfriend is the one I've wanted to be with since the first time I meet him four years ago. We're finally in a place that's safe and there is no drama what so ever were picture perfect. He is everything I want and need. But in my craziness I hate him want nothing to do with him and do everything in my power to drive him away. But if he left tomorrow took the high road and just got out of my life, I'd want him back before he got to the end of his street.

I have always done this the things I've wanted in my life have always been at my finger tips waiting for me to grab them and the second I do I don't care for them again but the minute there gone I want them right back. What is this silly thing I call a craziness. No idea. Yes I am bi-polar who isn't? Is this the root to my problems who knows.

The craziness is something I've always made excuses for but if it leads to me destroying my life I will never forgive myself. I have constantly pushed away everything that can leave me by choice for the insane fear it will have the chance to leave me first. You guessed it the second it's gone I want it back right now. This may or may not be the reason for ex boyfriends being repeats all through out my life over and over again taking their turns because I can be happy but the second they are I want them now and make them believe they want me and that I'm the best choice in the matter.

Example's of craziness:
I have 223 t-shirts in my closet because I can't stand the idea of someone having them other then me but I hate them and only wear a handful of them.

4 out of 9 of my previous relationships are guys who moved far far away soon after we were broken up. The rest I went back and fourth between until someone new caught my attention and got put into rotation. The four that got away were not saved one still had to deal with me for a year and a half!

The others they eventually got cut loose because well out of sight out of mind. Now since graduation there are no other relationships there is wonderful boyfriend and a few guys I enjoy the company of nothing serious nope to much work for me getting in and out of relationships when tada look I don't have to I can just hang out with these four guys all at once and never worry. Wow and the funniest part is 3 have been from out of town so they got cut out of rotation to.

Don't believe for a second anyone is safe. The guys who are lucky enough to be "just friends" my best friends the second I think their in a relationship or about to start one I throw a curve ball at them like "wait look at me I think I might want more then a friendship?" Wow and guys these days are easy that works and they don't notice the craziness that starts off "entertain me for 5 minutes and I'll just scoot the room for new pray." "okay now get away they might think we're together and run away" "you know how I thought I wanted to be more then friends sorry big misunderstanding." I mean really? Come on the fact that I know all this about myself and continue to keep it going is ludicrous but you wont see me putting a stop to it anytime soon. For reasons so unknown to me.

Maybe I just get bored easily but there i am making up excuses for my need to ruin every good thing in my life. Wow good one huh? Yes you would think that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery but in that case I've been recovering for 6 years. 6 years is a long time even for ex-meth heads.

So here I sit with a power switch in my hand that says wonderful boyfriend that I'm just dying to turn off but every time I get close I stop myself. The second I stop myself the power buttons in my hand again just waiting.