DTF??

So I have been called DTF since I was 12 years old(by girls in my grade 7th who were learning to give blow jobs on each others boyfriends. BTW).

Which is funny because I didn't have sex until I was 14. For the very first time and I just so happened to not want it and it was rape (I'm sure if you don't believe me go to the court house and look it up the case file should be there.) by a brothers friend who was 20 at the time.

Since then I can count my sexual partners on one hand. Yet I'm still DTF? Really people[Kevin Mason]? I mean yes I am really flirtatious and yes I have kissed my far share of guys but to call someone easy or a whore don't you have to know for a fact that they have willingly hopped on at least lets say 7 guys dicks just this year?

That's at least what I say is a whore for sure and I know this because at least four of my friends at one point or still are maybe are whores or slutty if you will. Yes I can see why me having friends that are easy will give people the impression that I am easy as well but, yes theres always a but, but you still have to know at least a handful of people someones fucked or done crazy shit with random guys to know for sure. I mean asking a drunk girl at a party if she wants to fuck you and she says no with a smile and walks away and never does fuck you does not [I repeat DOES NOT] Give you the right to call her a whore. Yes she might have made out with you at a party. Yes she might have hooked up with one of your old friends months earlier and yes she might have played along with one text here or there but this does not make her i.e. me a whore. I apologize if kissing in your book is slutty of whorish but to me you are a whore if you are more then willing to let the panties drop or do favors for male friends.

This makes sense does it not?

Yet a very nice smart well driven friendly girl who likes to party and occasionally makes out with the random guy? Really leave her i.e. me alone.

Proof that kissing is not a slutty thing the definition from urban dictionary.[I know but still read on]

Whore:
(1) A term used by people who sleep around to insult someone who doesn't; as for an act of jealousy.

(2) A woman who is paid for sexual services.

and slut:

Someone who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him a sympathy fuck either because someone asked her to or she just has to fuck everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitely increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are.

and for shits and giggles dtf.

DTF:

DTF = "DOWN TO FUCK"

DOWN TO GET THAT DICK

DTFNE1
down to fuck any 1

and what the hell I don't make the cut for a make out whore either because here goes make out whore:

make out whore
a girl that makes out with numerous guys, sober or intoxicated, but has no intentions of making a relationship out of it. she does this for pure pleasure and the enjoyment of the moment.

See at my craziest level of intoxication I have kissed one boy and a very good girlfriend in the same night but never I repeat never "numerous guys" and always has it been after way to much to drink which is never an excuse but sure encourages the situation. And yes I know most people think kissing girls in front of guys is slutty but she is a very good friend who I do not kiss sober and only occasionally kiss drunk. so maybe I'll give you that one fair?

So next time you call someone a whore i.e. me because your pissed they never let you but your little tiny dick inside them and maybe she did let that one guy she dated for 4 1/2 years and that other guy you know who works at best buy does not qualify her as a whore pre say.

Yes maybe a MAKE OUT whore but never a slut or DTF okay? okay peachy and yes I know this will only piss on your fire and you will talk more but that's fine because I wouldn't fuck you then and I will not fuck you now. So sorry you feel the need to call a RAPE victim a whore bravo to you KEVIN MASON make me feel like shit after I pretty much defend you to everyone but its cool next time someone says "I don't know that Kevin Mason guy seems like an ass." I will look them in the eye and say "Why yes, yes he is. and boy do I got a story to tell you about him." So there you are Kevin put that in your bong and smoke it.[which I know you do very well]

tootles!

Best Friends

I have this amazing friend. His name is jordan. We got thrown into the same group because we both work at best buy and seem to like all the same things. Soon after we ran into each other at someone's house we decided we were friends. We would find ourselves at parties sitting on the floor with people all around talking loudly just sitting there listening to one another about every little problem in our life's we'd smile and call each other losers get up grab some beers and go smoke a cigarette. But one day one day these talks meant more to me because suddenly I remembered why I started talking to jordan in the first place I was attracted to him. I had been from the start. He was once nick named that cute boy back in media with the lip ring. Suddenly I needed him and want his attention loved it when he texted me loved it when we went together to parties and loved it more when we found each other on the floors of parties together. Loved it more when I found him taking me home at the end of the night. Me leaving my phone in his car him putting it in my door like a letter...

Suddenly this friend this best friend was giving me more and more advise on my relationship problems and I agreed with him. I knew I had to get out I believed him. I heard all his reasons and kinda of took them with a girls heart he wanted me out of my relationship. Why? Yes Gerrot was controlling. Yes Gerrot made me lose my self and never let me just go out with my friends. But Why did Jordan want me away from Gerrot. So he could finally hang out with me. Gerrot didn't like jordan saw jordan as a threat and yea I told him otherwise even though I knew better. I knew I liked jordan as more then a friend but.. I had kissed him once at a party felt more but he was in a weird place and didn't want it to change us.

Then one day I threw in the towel ended my relationship just the way me and jordan talked about. I finally got the time with jordan I needed. I found myself at his parties crashing in his bed. Having him sleep next to me and enjoying waking up next to him. Was it what jordan wanted I thought so. He would kiss me or put his arm around me and hold me at night it was comforting to finally have what I wanted.

One night at a party I told him lets see where the summer goes with us. He agreed "Let's try it out."

Then the next night he didn't want to try anymore he wasn't "ready", and didn't want to ruin anything because he wasn't "ready for anything". There I was walking with him. There he was kissing me after he told me he wasn't ready for anything maybe he was unsure maybe I could convince him this was a good idea.

Later that night we found ourselves in the same twin bed again we found ourselves caught up in the moment kissing. I heard him ask "Do you think this will change things if we go here I don't want anything to get ruined." I found myself thinking "I want this to change everything, I want to be yours." So I lied. "I wont let this change anything." I heard him say "good because I mean what I said earlier but I'm really attracted to you." I giggled and kissed him again. We went there that night. We fell asleep later in each others arms. We woke up kissing and laughing. "how could he not want this?" was all I could think.

He wasn't lying he doesn't want to move forward he wants to move backwards. He wants to go back to being friends but being the girl that I am I don't know how to go back. I want to go back for him but I don't know how! When I look at him I smile. When I hug him I never want to let go. When he looks at me it really is as if he sees no one else, but he doesn't want more. Anymore that is because we already went there and have a few times after that night. He's just not ready.

Then things got weird he swear we'd stay friends that's what he wanted but he wasn't texting me and he never talked to me at parties. There was even word he was talking bad about me. I never asked him I couldn't. Summer was coming to an end we were both leaving and we would never say goodbye. I lost a small part in one of my closes friends that summer. I never knew sleeping with a guy would turn him into such a girl. Smack talk and all he was acting like a bugged out chick. I forgave him. I moved he moved. I never thought that when our paths crossed again we'd find that those moments that once meant so much to me would still be there. You know the moments I'm talking about those moments where the room goes quite and your eyes meet and there's a whole conversation going on between the two of you that no one else can hear. He could still hear me with out me speaking a word and some how we found ourselves sneaking off and making plans and hiding under tables. Then we fell into that damn twin bed again. The next morning I knew what I wanted and I knew what I could have. I told jordan we could never do this again. If we are friends we're friends if this is what keeps us talking it's done. I left it in the air and for a while it seemed as if all was fine. Until it just wasn't. We still chat we keep up on each others lives but I'm terrified that our friendship will never be the same with out that weird closeness only couples should share even though lets face it jordan never gave us the chance to be a couple.

Heels over Head

I sit here in this room
this room is the only thing I've
had thats close to a studio.

Feeling like I'm on a stage everyday
Guitar in hand and I'm strumming songs.
Songs I've never heard.

Words I've never said out loud.
The things I've felt but never
said out loud.

Every word was meant for you
these words are yours. Yours to keep
and hold close when I'm far way.

Words make the world go.
They change things ruin or make better.
Turn you into someone your not.

If I had said these words out loud,
a million years ago would you have listend.
What would they have meant to you?

These words I'll never speak but strum to
myself these words are yours to keep but
words you'll never hear.

These words are mine.

Didn't see that coming.

I have pretty eventful life i do alot of silly things with alobt of amazing people. But when something happens and it surprises me you know it's a big deal. So there I am on late night sitting at dining room table room filled with talkable people and I just so happen to be next to a drunk guy who'd have guessed he's babling I'm not listening thinking about running out side for a quick smoke when I hear it the word that always catches my attention love:

"Wait What?" I asked.
"Love is what it's all about. We wouldn't be anything without it, and no one wants anything but it. Forget money, fame and health. We only want love. Lets face it you'd be poor living in a box as long as the person next to you was the person you were in love with rather then healthy rich and living in an amazing house alone. People lie cheat steal and pretend for love every single day that's what it's all about." said drunky next to me.
"Wow" I said.
"Yea until we all realize we aren't worth it. Because we're all selfish bastards."
"Huh." Thats when it happened.
I have this amazing moment with a guy where every word that leaves his mouth is so true and he ruins it. Or did he?

Lalalala

I'm the imperfect girl who wants what she doesn't have but has everything she ever wanted? It's a curse I excepted years ago. One I came to terms with and figured it would do me no harm. But here it is ruining my happiness.

I sit here with a wonderful boyfriend great friends money in the bank a nice place to live and lots of family that support me.

This wonderful boyfriend is the one I've wanted to be with since the first time I meet him four years ago. We're finally in a place that's safe and there is no drama what so ever were picture perfect. He is everything I want and need. But in my craziness I hate him want nothing to do with him and do everything in my power to drive him away. But if he left tomorrow took the high road and just got out of my life, I'd want him back before he got to the end of his street.

I have always done this the things I've wanted in my life have always been at my finger tips waiting for me to grab them and the second I do I don't care for them again but the minute there gone I want them right back. What is this silly thing I call a craziness. No idea. Yes I am bi-polar who isn't? Is this the root to my problems who knows.

The craziness is something I've always made excuses for but if it leads to me destroying my life I will never forgive myself. I have constantly pushed away everything that can leave me by choice for the insane fear it will have the chance to leave me first. You guessed it the second it's gone I want it back right now. This may or may not be the reason for ex boyfriends being repeats all through out my life over and over again taking their turns because I can be happy but the second they are I want them now and make them believe they want me and that I'm the best choice in the matter.

Example's of craziness:
I have 223 t-shirts in my closet because I can't stand the idea of someone having them other then me but I hate them and only wear a handful of them.

4 out of 9 of my previous relationships are guys who moved far far away soon after we were broken up. The rest I went back and fourth between until someone new caught my attention and got put into rotation. The four that got away were not saved one still had to deal with me for a year and a half!

The others they eventually got cut loose because well out of sight out of mind. Now since graduation there are no other relationships there is wonderful boyfriend and a few guys I enjoy the company of nothing serious nope to much work for me getting in and out of relationships when tada look I don't have to I can just hang out with these four guys all at once and never worry. Wow and the funniest part is 3 have been from out of town so they got cut out of rotation to.

Don't believe for a second anyone is safe. The guys who are lucky enough to be "just friends" my best friends the second I think their in a relationship or about to start one I throw a curve ball at them like "wait look at me I think I might want more then a friendship?" Wow and guys these days are easy that works and they don't notice the craziness that starts off "entertain me for 5 minutes and I'll just scoot the room for new pray." "okay now get away they might think we're together and run away" "you know how I thought I wanted to be more then friends sorry big misunderstanding." I mean really? Come on the fact that I know all this about myself and continue to keep it going is ludicrous but you wont see me putting a stop to it anytime soon. For reasons so unknown to me.

Maybe I just get bored easily but there i am making up excuses for my need to ruin every good thing in my life. Wow good one huh? Yes you would think that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery but in that case I've been recovering for 6 years. 6 years is a long time even for ex-meth heads.

So here I sit with a power switch in my hand that says wonderful boyfriend that I'm just dying to turn off but every time I get close I stop myself. The second I stop myself the power buttons in my hand again just waiting.

You can't have it the way you want.

Trust and love go
hand in hand you
can never have one
with out the other.

Love and happiness go
hand in hand one is
not the same with
out the other.

You can love someone
without trusting them
and you can be in love
but not happy.

Trust is like a mirror
once you break it you
can never look at
it the same.

Doesn't matter how hard
you want it to be the same
and make you feel the same way...
Once you break something you
can never really enjoy it
the way you once did...

I love you,
I don't trust you not to hurt me,
I don't trust you to keep me safe,
I don't trust you to make me happy,
I don't trust you to keep me sane,
I don't trust you to make me important,
I don't trust you to stay with me,
I don't trust you to change...

I've given you chances a million in two times.
I've risked it all to try one more time for you
I've put my heart on the line
and gotten nothing but screwed in return
I can't do it again...

I love you but that's not enough with out happiness and trust..
I'm sorry but it just will never be the same you broke me and you don't really understand or care that I'm only broken for you.
On my own I'm fine. I have to do what's right for me.
Right now that doesn't involve you at all.

Who needs progress..

Don't be disappointed in the progress I've made.
If I fall for you today and wake up tomorrow with a heart full of regrets....
We are a secret our lips can't speak in empty hallways
were we both stand. If the words leave our mouths
our lips will linger tangle and lose the battle we've been
fighting to end them where they started.

If our lips meet in every way they shouldn't I'm sorry.
We're a desire that's unattainable...
Stop looking at me like you know me,
as if you know what's inside and floating
on my mind, stop looking at me like you love me,
stop looking at me like you can only see me,
Cause honey you destroy my attempts to stop
us from happening with a look like that.

Love is a child's game and I'm ready to go out
and call a do over and feel you once again.
If only there wasn't so much at stake I'd
risk it all I'd throw my life on the table for
one more second flying threw the air with you.
Somethings different about your touch now that
I can finally feel you again.
Somethings different about your voice
now that I can safely hear it mixed with mine.
Somethings different about the way you look
now that I can finally see you your body tangled with mine.
Somethings different about the way you taste
on my mouth now that our lips have finally touched again.
A lust like ours is impossible to find but we've found it.
So think of me tonight when your alone let these
memories keep you tossing and turning in your bed
as you look at the celling wondering what's missing..
baby it's me it's always been me.
You touch me like I want to be touched without being asked or told.
You kiss me like you want me here and now,
make my knees weak I can smell the liquor feel it burning
my own throat and know it's what brought you here
and that I should turn you away but its your hand
lingering on my back that wont let me let this go not
this quickly..
"Baby your like walking sex that's been walking by me for months teasing."
You say as you kiss my neck. I giggle like I had before because I feel the same when I catch myself in your gaze...

When you awake in the morning I tell you I'm sorry.
I know we messed up. You look at me and smile.
"No we did exactly what we were supposed to do."
You sit up and move over I smile to myself and say out loud.
"I guess we both knew it would happen again eventually."
You smile and pull me onto your lap my head falls on your
shoulder and I can't help but not feel regret for letting the
night take us over.
But I've missed it all for
so long I lost my way.

I missed myself in your arms,
your kiss upon my body and
that look in your eye. To regret
every mistake we made last night.
Would be a shameful loss on my part.
I feel your eyes piercing into my soul like
a hot needle. I need this feeling to feel
right when I'm near you...
I know it might not last again.The thought
is already making it hard
to breathe forget lust it's a dangerous thing
to want what you cant have.
Yet you and I are extremely jinxed with the
teasing taste of lust together.