Tuesday, October 16, 2018
All the bend in all the roads
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Hmmmm
I really hate being wrong. It's a pet peeve. So when I go out of my way and pick someone to be in my life, I expect that they will stay.
I'm really bad at picking the right people to stand by my side. I'm a very simple person and I've learned to cut to the chase and lay everything I have on the table. I don't want to throw curve balls at someone. I don't want to shock them.
Since this is what I do and what I have been doing it shocks me that I found someone who didn't realize that when I say "Hey I'm done dating I'm looking for my future if that's not for you cool let's be friends otherwise don't get my hopes up." I meant every word of it.
It's even more difficult for me to understand how someone can move six hours away from everything they know to be with me not be looking for the same thing.
All the signs were there but there's a word for what I was suffering and it's called bliss. I was happy.
I had a horrible year and it was only looking worse and then there I was happy. I looked forward to waking up and starting my life. Blind to what was right in front of me.
There was no marriage, children, and a white picket fence in the cards that I was sharing a deck with, There might never be those things for this person.
That breaks my heart. Love is so simple if it's not love don't call it love. Don't wrap it up and put a bow on it make a giant gesture and pull the carpet out from someone.
It's rude and I was taught to be polite.
I'm a tiny broken. I don't want to be. I'm a strong person I've been through worse. I can lie and say it's not a big deal but god damn it, it is a big deal.
I truly thought this man was the one. I wanted to marry him for heavens sake. To know that he doesn't want to get married.. Maybe ever, makes me feel as if it's not him or us but simply me.
"Don't fret" they say "he has no passion" they say "it's not you!" But isn't it me I'm not the one. I'm not the girl to blow his mind so that he wants to give her his last name. It's not him. It's clearly me. I wasn't the one to knock the air out of him.
Why the act? Is that something I have to look forward to? Instead of men crying wolf are they crying future? If so this is going to be a long journey.
I'm a strong person. I can do this. I can be his friend. His roommate. I can coincide next to the man who cried future. Right?
I may not be that strong right now. I'm scared. I'm alone. Not physically but mentally. I feel like my pain was paused by bliss. It's seeping threw the door. It's searching and I don't want it to find me.
I might have a mess on my hands. Thinking of everything that has happened and not having someone to help me keep myself grounded. That sounds weak but I slip. I let the ground fall out from under me. I fall. I don't make a sound I just slowly fall.
I'm scared of falling into my hole of sadness and disappointment. It's a very dark place. There are a lot of bad things there, a lot of rocks I haven't overturned. Things I don't want to overturn.
I made a promise as a mother I would not be weak. But even being a mother is a rock I don't want to deal with. My daughter is not with me. My daughter is in a better safer place. I am a childless mother.
I always find a way always have always will. I might drown. But I'll get to my shore eventually. Until then I guess I'm sinking and that's important for me to say.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Re-Living
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Pretty Words Playing In My Head
"You might sit there and hate me or at least try really hard to find it in yourself to hate me. You might sit there and think everything I ever did was to hurt you. You might not think that every word I said to you was made for you but they were. All of it was real like the air I breath and it was made for you.
I'd do anything to find my way back to that voice that sound that kept me sane, that laugh that was only for me. All the whispers of dreams of tomorrow and hopes of the perfect life it was so simple back then, thinking of you and I planning our future seeing no end in sight we were still hopeless children not knowing what this place had in store for us. I still feel you here with me from time to time."
I hear the breeze as I sit on this deck out in my new home. I wrote those words so long ago I barely remember who I was then, I remember writing them. I was in California and I was very almost drunk (hahaha) and the guys were playing this same beat over and over again. I went to the kitchen grabbed another beer (as if I needed another one) jumped on the counter, grabbed my blackberry and started typing what I believed to be song lyrics. When I finally read them the next day they were almost to beautiful to be song lyrics. They were about Gerrot, and funny enough some girl who hated me at the time inspired me to write it the way I did.
I had a funny way of making everything about him back then. I honestly probably just fell out of love with that man a year ago. That's a completely different story on how that came about. What I always donned as gerrots was almost every word I ever wrote from 2005-2011. That's a huge chunk of time and words that I gave him. What I never realized until recently is that almost everything I wrote thinking of gerrot were actually about someone different entirely. Like the words above those have a certain guys name written all over them, but I couldn't see that in 2009 when I wrote them I was to close I was too "in love". Everything about those words match my failure with the man I once refereed to as my future ex husband who shall remain name less for his sake.
I see it now this man was my friend my best friend and he hurt me but to make matters worse he hurt me and then ended our friendship. I was thinking about him that day I wrote those "lyrics" earlier in the night I was playing the guitar and saw myself sitting in his shed back home jamming out. I will always have fond thoughts of him. Even when we drifted apart I still counted on him and he truly remains one of my closes friends. Gerrot was never childish EVER and I will never sit and think of him fondly. Almost every word out of my mouth to that man was scripted for the actress I was playing called "gerrots perfect mate".
I now believe I never wrote a word when I was with Gerrot not because I was insanely happy but because I wasn't myself a minute with him. I couldn't be creative because that wasn't the part. I never touched a paint brush or pencil when we were together only when we were apart was I able to truly express myself.
I was also playing a part with the last victim the part was "yay bianca finally found love in a totally helpless place" I wanted to be in love so badly I literally made it up in my head. I once again wasn't myself I once again let a man walk all over me for the sake of calling myself happy I was a complete phony. I would have never known I was playing another part if it wasn't for this stupid man making a comment one day that I never painted with him. I didn't believe it. Of course I did I thought but then I realized I didn't pick up my brushes once in the two years we spent together. I also wrote complete crap that was either about someone else or just rambling.
Here I am I actually had to fight to get here. For the first time in my life I had to be happy without a man. Mind you it only lasted two weeks but my god I did it. I was sketching and writing my little butt off and working harder at work then I ever have in my life. I was happy totally satisfied and as cold as it was I was even running again something I hadn't done since the last time I left gerrot. Here I was figuring it out all on my own. How grown up of me.
Then well I took a chance. I was up later then I should have been I had to work at 4 am the next day I had to run. I took a long one next thing I knew it was 10pm way past my bed time. I took some sleeping pills washed them down with some rehab. Then glued myself to my phone to put myself to sleep and there was this name I couldn't get out of my head. So I got on fb typed it in and there he was. No sign of a girlfriend so I took the creeper approach and messaged him. Basically the message was some lame nudge nudge wink wink here's my number we should hang out sometime. No need to judge I'm totally kicking myself for just not talking to the guy who swears he already knew I liked him (there's no way in hell he knew I keep everything on the dl I'm amazing at playing it off(maybe)) Now our story will always start so i was all drugged up on sleeping pills and monster rehab and I got ambitious and threw my number out there. Either way the sucka responded within minutes.
To make a long story even longer, I found myself and then I found him. I wasn't even really trying I swear! I went to work at 4am and the rest is history minus this, I'm writing not this blog clearly and i'm still sketching and painting. I'm currently going to the gym and now running around suburbia. I'm myself and I'm in love I'm not use to it but I really love it.
I'd do anything to find my way back to that voice that sound that kept me sane, that laugh that was only for me. All the whispers of dreams of tomorrow and hopes of the perfect life it was so simple back then, thinking of you and I planning our future seeing no end in sight we were still hopeless children not knowing what this place had in store for us. I still feel you here with me from time to time."
I hear the breeze as I sit on this deck out in my new home. I wrote those words so long ago I barely remember who I was then, I remember writing them. I was in California and I was very almost drunk (hahaha) and the guys were playing this same beat over and over again. I went to the kitchen grabbed another beer (as if I needed another one) jumped on the counter, grabbed my blackberry and started typing what I believed to be song lyrics. When I finally read them the next day they were almost to beautiful to be song lyrics. They were about Gerrot, and funny enough some girl who hated me at the time inspired me to write it the way I did.
I had a funny way of making everything about him back then. I honestly probably just fell out of love with that man a year ago. That's a completely different story on how that came about. What I always donned as gerrots was almost every word I ever wrote from 2005-2011. That's a huge chunk of time and words that I gave him. What I never realized until recently is that almost everything I wrote thinking of gerrot were actually about someone different entirely. Like the words above those have a certain guys name written all over them, but I couldn't see that in 2009 when I wrote them I was to close I was too "in love". Everything about those words match my failure with the man I once refereed to as my future ex husband who shall remain name less for his sake.
I see it now this man was my friend my best friend and he hurt me but to make matters worse he hurt me and then ended our friendship. I was thinking about him that day I wrote those "lyrics" earlier in the night I was playing the guitar and saw myself sitting in his shed back home jamming out. I will always have fond thoughts of him. Even when we drifted apart I still counted on him and he truly remains one of my closes friends. Gerrot was never childish EVER and I will never sit and think of him fondly. Almost every word out of my mouth to that man was scripted for the actress I was playing called "gerrots perfect mate".
I now believe I never wrote a word when I was with Gerrot not because I was insanely happy but because I wasn't myself a minute with him. I couldn't be creative because that wasn't the part. I never touched a paint brush or pencil when we were together only when we were apart was I able to truly express myself.
I was also playing a part with the last victim the part was "yay bianca finally found love in a totally helpless place" I wanted to be in love so badly I literally made it up in my head. I once again wasn't myself I once again let a man walk all over me for the sake of calling myself happy I was a complete phony. I would have never known I was playing another part if it wasn't for this stupid man making a comment one day that I never painted with him. I didn't believe it. Of course I did I thought but then I realized I didn't pick up my brushes once in the two years we spent together. I also wrote complete crap that was either about someone else or just rambling.
Here I am I actually had to fight to get here. For the first time in my life I had to be happy without a man. Mind you it only lasted two weeks but my god I did it. I was sketching and writing my little butt off and working harder at work then I ever have in my life. I was happy totally satisfied and as cold as it was I was even running again something I hadn't done since the last time I left gerrot. Here I was figuring it out all on my own. How grown up of me.
Then well I took a chance. I was up later then I should have been I had to work at 4 am the next day I had to run. I took a long one next thing I knew it was 10pm way past my bed time. I took some sleeping pills washed them down with some rehab. Then glued myself to my phone to put myself to sleep and there was this name I couldn't get out of my head. So I got on fb typed it in and there he was. No sign of a girlfriend so I took the creeper approach and messaged him. Basically the message was some lame nudge nudge wink wink here's my number we should hang out sometime. No need to judge I'm totally kicking myself for just not talking to the guy who swears he already knew I liked him (there's no way in hell he knew I keep everything on the dl I'm amazing at playing it off(maybe)) Now our story will always start so i was all drugged up on sleeping pills and monster rehab and I got ambitious and threw my number out there. Either way the sucka responded within minutes.
To make a long story even longer, I found myself and then I found him. I wasn't even really trying I swear! I went to work at 4am and the rest is history minus this, I'm writing not this blog clearly and i'm still sketching and painting. I'm currently going to the gym and now running around suburbia. I'm myself and I'm in love I'm not use to it but I really love it.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Veins
For my daughter:
At the end of the day your still in my veins.
I felt a stir from deep inside woke me up in the night I wanted to call you to say goodnight I should have known my little girl was saying goodbye I awoke in the morning and felt her body shifting I didn't think to count the kicks saw my doctor in the afternoon he had nothing but bad news I cried with my mother and father thinking the whole time I wouldn't be able to call her name and see her walk my way I thought of all the moments I'd miss I'd never see her grow I thought I should have called you but I couldn't bring myself to move my house was a sad place all of us mourning the loss of such a new family member shed never play with her cousins sleep in her crib we'd never nap a Sunday afternoon away because she was taken away as much as I wanted to join my daughter and hold her hand through to the other side I knew I couldn't leave her memory un turned I'd stay and keep her name and life alive such a precious miracle taken away I'd have her again I'd get my little girl back one day but it'd never be the same.
At the end of the day your still in my veins.
I felt a stir from deep inside woke me up in the night I wanted to call you to say goodnight I should have known my little girl was saying goodbye I awoke in the morning and felt her body shifting I didn't think to count the kicks saw my doctor in the afternoon he had nothing but bad news I cried with my mother and father thinking the whole time I wouldn't be able to call her name and see her walk my way I thought of all the moments I'd miss I'd never see her grow I thought I should have called you but I couldn't bring myself to move my house was a sad place all of us mourning the loss of such a new family member shed never play with her cousins sleep in her crib we'd never nap a Sunday afternoon away because she was taken away as much as I wanted to join my daughter and hold her hand through to the other side I knew I couldn't leave her memory un turned I'd stay and keep her name and life alive such a precious miracle taken away I'd have her again I'd get my little girl back one day but it'd never be the same.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Mine
I miss being held tightly to his chest as night turned to day and days turned to weeks dreams turned to life and fantasy's were real
The nights we'd fall asleep gazing into one another's eyes and wake with smiles that would haunt me years in the future
Dull memories never came of ours they lie vivid in my minds eye the mornings he'd wake me up gazing in my eyes whispering he wished he could always have me that way
Naked wrapped in sheets makeup less, fearless, hopelessly dreaming of us waking to his kisses and words would get me through my day
Words no one else shared but us in those moments locked up in his bed actions that could never be rein acted feelings that could never be replaced
True love filled our memories as they were filled away in protective cases sealed in our hearts you can't find love like ours
As the days wore on and the memories shown brighter our love lived on as our time ran out and we parted ways
I still dream of those moments, those mornings, those nights they will always remain the happiest moments in my life
As I grow old and walk this world alone hope lingers in my fingers for another love so strong
The nights we'd fall asleep gazing into one another's eyes and wake with smiles that would haunt me years in the future
Dull memories never came of ours they lie vivid in my minds eye the mornings he'd wake me up gazing in my eyes whispering he wished he could always have me that way
Naked wrapped in sheets makeup less, fearless, hopelessly dreaming of us waking to his kisses and words would get me through my day
Words no one else shared but us in those moments locked up in his bed actions that could never be rein acted feelings that could never be replaced
True love filled our memories as they were filled away in protective cases sealed in our hearts you can't find love like ours
As the days wore on and the memories shown brighter our love lived on as our time ran out and we parted ways
I still dream of those moments, those mornings, those nights they will always remain the happiest moments in my life
As I grow old and walk this world alone hope lingers in my fingers for another love so strong
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
mmmmmMmmmmMmm
The world moves slower and slower.. I'm just chilling here waiting for it to stop. What happens when it stops? I mean does your life become redundant for a particular reason or is there an exact cause? A dull relationship, repetitive job, or not furthering an education? I will admit I have just cause to have not gone on with school. When you have no idea what you want to do or be why waste good money on what you want to do today instead of what you want to do for the rest of your life.
As I sit here though watching my dog walk around in circles and my boyfriend play call of duty I can't help but wonder.... What the HELL am I doing? I am not supposed to be here am I? There's no way, I bet I could name a dozen or more teachers who would say "No Bianca get off your ass and start living your damn life." I've always had that problem. I have that mental state constantly you know if my life's already planed that means I can sit here and my life will just happen, yet my life has always had hiccup's and well "happened" when I get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.
Whats that mean? Am I just extremely lazy? Where'd my ambition go then? mmmmmmmmmmMmmmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMmmm
As I sit here though watching my dog walk around in circles and my boyfriend play call of duty I can't help but wonder.... What the HELL am I doing? I am not supposed to be here am I? There's no way, I bet I could name a dozen or more teachers who would say "No Bianca get off your ass and start living your damn life." I've always had that problem. I have that mental state constantly you know if my life's already planed that means I can sit here and my life will just happen, yet my life has always had hiccup's and well "happened" when I get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.
Whats that mean? Am I just extremely lazy? Where'd my ambition go then? mmmmmmmmmmMmmmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMmmm
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Little of this little of that
Everyone has that one thing that makes them feel special, pretty, or confident. That one thing that they put on and it instantly makes them feel better about them self's. For the past five years I've had band shirts that are so worn their covered in holes and smell like me (not in a gross way). Just the other day though when I went searching for my favorite one I stumbled upon my favorite old two stringed pearl necklace, and I put it on and guess what, it gave me that same safe confident pretty feeling that it's never done before. The thing is I've never thought my jewelry could do this because I hate jewelry usually. I own a lot of it but hate it on for to long. Plus the shirts have kind of been a crutch for me all these years.
What I'm trying to say is in this crazy moment when the necklace was safely clasped around my neck and i touched and looked at myself in awe and felt better, safer I was extremely proud of myself. I instantly stopped looking for my shirt and went on with my day. It was then that I felt the gravitational pull further away from him.
People complain that they don't understand why i still speak of him but here are my thoughts:
*When I wasn't talking about him I wanted to.
*When I wasn't talking about him the second he came up I'd hyper ventilate and over react.
*When I wasn't talking about him and would see him I'd instantly take it as a sign from the love gods that we needed to get back together.
*When I wasn't talking about him I tried very stupid things because I was holding every comment in side and when I was alone they'd overwhelm me.
In all fairness I feel like Brandon needs to ask my friends just how much I use to bring him up in random everyday conversation once every ten minutes, because honestly I maybe bring him up once every two months. When were fighting. To prove a point. So do i think its the end of the world that he comes up? No, I actually think I'd be crazier if I didn't bring up the man I was in love with for a whopping five years and all of my high school experience. He's lucky that I edit him out of most of the stories I tell. Heck he brings up his ex at least once a week and they we're just together for a few months.
Of course this whole story will never leave my lips to Brandon because he'd accuse me of bringing him up too much once again.
What I'm trying to say is in this crazy moment when the necklace was safely clasped around my neck and i touched and looked at myself in awe and felt better, safer I was extremely proud of myself. I instantly stopped looking for my shirt and went on with my day. It was then that I felt the gravitational pull further away from him.
People complain that they don't understand why i still speak of him but here are my thoughts:
*When I wasn't talking about him I wanted to.
*When I wasn't talking about him the second he came up I'd hyper ventilate and over react.
*When I wasn't talking about him and would see him I'd instantly take it as a sign from the love gods that we needed to get back together.
*When I wasn't talking about him I tried very stupid things because I was holding every comment in side and when I was alone they'd overwhelm me.
In all fairness I feel like Brandon needs to ask my friends just how much I use to bring him up in random everyday conversation once every ten minutes, because honestly I maybe bring him up once every two months. When were fighting. To prove a point. So do i think its the end of the world that he comes up? No, I actually think I'd be crazier if I didn't bring up the man I was in love with for a whopping five years and all of my high school experience. He's lucky that I edit him out of most of the stories I tell. Heck he brings up his ex at least once a week and they we're just together for a few months.
Of course this whole story will never leave my lips to Brandon because he'd accuse me of bringing him up too much once again.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Dear..
Marinela MicPlucic,
There was once a time i couldn't imagine telling my secrets to anyone but you. There was once a time when I was only happy jumping into your car listening to loud music smoking like chimneys and talking about retarded ex's. There was a time when I knew boys come and go but we we're forever. I fucked up to realize that you were my best friend no matter how many times I was stupid and went back to whats his face and you swore you'd never talk to me again if I did. But you were still always there. Yes I didn't see you everyday no I didn't talk to you everyday but when we need each other there was no question we were there for one another.
I miss you still. I have none of this. I lost one of the greatest friendships I knew and I never guessed it would be you. There's logic to my craziness and my no longer keeping close girlfriends. I already had the greatest girlfriend in the world and lost her I already know the connection we had can't be replaced because no one has the memories we do. I wasn't finished adding to them but I have no choice.
The worst part is I don't even know why it ended. Its worse then a break up where you knew all along that the end was inevitable. It was a friendship a sisterhood. Now well I go on and pretend it doesn't bother me. Instead of drunk calling ex's I wanna drunk call you and yell and scream "WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME?!?!?!?" It's worse then every break up I've ever had and you know most of them we bad. For once I didn't expect for someone to leave me with out an answer because she's a girl she should understand how hard break up's are when there's no explanation but she didn't follow protocol she dropped me like a dick with out a goodbye or an awful email or text.
I woke up one day and she was just gone. Every part of life is fulfilled but this.
There was once a time i couldn't imagine telling my secrets to anyone but you. There was once a time when I was only happy jumping into your car listening to loud music smoking like chimneys and talking about retarded ex's. There was a time when I knew boys come and go but we we're forever. I fucked up to realize that you were my best friend no matter how many times I was stupid and went back to whats his face and you swore you'd never talk to me again if I did. But you were still always there. Yes I didn't see you everyday no I didn't talk to you everyday but when we need each other there was no question we were there for one another.
I miss you still. I have none of this. I lost one of the greatest friendships I knew and I never guessed it would be you. There's logic to my craziness and my no longer keeping close girlfriends. I already had the greatest girlfriend in the world and lost her I already know the connection we had can't be replaced because no one has the memories we do. I wasn't finished adding to them but I have no choice.
The worst part is I don't even know why it ended. Its worse then a break up where you knew all along that the end was inevitable. It was a friendship a sisterhood. Now well I go on and pretend it doesn't bother me. Instead of drunk calling ex's I wanna drunk call you and yell and scream "WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME?!?!?!?" It's worse then every break up I've ever had and you know most of them we bad. For once I didn't expect for someone to leave me with out an answer because she's a girl she should understand how hard break up's are when there's no explanation but she didn't follow protocol she dropped me like a dick with out a goodbye or an awful email or text.
I woke up one day and she was just gone. Every part of life is fulfilled but this.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Lyrical romance
Oldies but goodies of mine:
TIME:
Time holds all the answers
but never lets us in
we never reach tomorrow
we never know when today will end.
one moment it's almost gone then it's back again,
for more.
yesterday is in the past never really lived
today last forever
tomorrow is what we hope for
It's all in a matter of time.
LET GO:
The morning light hits at dawn
a smile of hope graces the day
unknown to where she is
this is not her life
where had she gone wrong
why are there scars
why dose this feeling hurt her heart
still unknown to why
she slowly closes her eyes
opens them again it's still not right
where is he the one who love's her so
how did this happen has she finally
just let go.
TELL ME:
tell me something to believe in.
tell me something to trust.
tell me this isn't just lust.
they tell me it's gone.
so tell me you saw it real.
tell me that's why you said it.
tell me something true.
tell me something great.
tell me there's others just like you and me.
so just tell me a story.
something to keep me here with you.
REASON:
I always wonder why.
Why am I here?
Why I love you?
I have wondered what it would have been like,
To be yours totaly and completely.
The thoughts roll by again and again.
You tell me you miss me.
You say you loved me then what happend.
Where did it go.
The passion the love.
The memories are here just with me.
Are they with you.
Do you care do you even notice I'm still there
Always have been I've seen you with others
So whats the reason for "us"
There doesn't seem to be room for it anymore.
So just give me a reason
To still love you.
STILL:
I still remember the times that you made me
cry and you weren't there to whip my eye and apologize.
You said you never ment to hurt me but that
dosen't mean you didn't.It means you know how
to lie. Espeacilly to me.
The words you said pierced my heart and tore
my world apart.
I was scared, in fear of letting go of my
past and moving on to my future.
I knew I'd always miss you and forget you never.
Nothing will ever be clear again the
moments we shared and the moments that made me cry
even the moments I lost still hurt me inside
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
You and me.
WHY:
A great man once asked me why.
As I looked in his eye
I swear I almost cried.
I tried to fight back the tears but they were
stronger then I was I turned to say
Why this couldn't work because
I knew it was time to tell him good bye.
As the tear left my eye. He stopped asking why.
I knew what it meant when he asked
I just didn't know why it hurt to
not have us last.
I wanted it all along but when asked to
answer why it makes me cry.
TOO MANY TIMES:
Too many times I had to say good bye
Too many times I had to erase you from my life
Too many words were left unspoken
Too many times I had to cry
Too many times I had to stand up and smile
Too many times I was faced with denial
Too many times I had to take you back
Too many times I walked on by
\Too many times my eyes were full of tears
Too many times we were not near
Too many times our eyes never met
I still forgive you I ignore your lies
But right now I must say
We've done this too many times.
JADED:
Fallen from grace
There is no place
There is no one to save her
She's lost in a dream
That no one can see
Because he took it away from me.
TIME:
Time holds all the answers
but never lets us in
we never reach tomorrow
we never know when today will end.
one moment it's almost gone then it's back again,
for more.
yesterday is in the past never really lived
today last forever
tomorrow is what we hope for
It's all in a matter of time.
LET GO:
The morning light hits at dawn
a smile of hope graces the day
unknown to where she is
this is not her life
where had she gone wrong
why are there scars
why dose this feeling hurt her heart
still unknown to why
she slowly closes her eyes
opens them again it's still not right
where is he the one who love's her so
how did this happen has she finally
just let go.
TELL ME:
tell me something to believe in.
tell me something to trust.
tell me this isn't just lust.
they tell me it's gone.
so tell me you saw it real.
tell me that's why you said it.
tell me something true.
tell me something great.
tell me there's others just like you and me.
so just tell me a story.
something to keep me here with you.
REASON:
I always wonder why.
Why am I here?
Why I love you?
I have wondered what it would have been like,
To be yours totaly and completely.
The thoughts roll by again and again.
You tell me you miss me.
You say you loved me then what happend.
Where did it go.
The passion the love.
The memories are here just with me.
Are they with you.
Do you care do you even notice I'm still there
Always have been I've seen you with others
So whats the reason for "us"
There doesn't seem to be room for it anymore.
So just give me a reason
To still love you.
STILL:
I still remember the times that you made me
cry and you weren't there to whip my eye and apologize.
You said you never ment to hurt me but that
dosen't mean you didn't.It means you know how
to lie. Espeacilly to me.
The words you said pierced my heart and tore
my world apart.
I was scared, in fear of letting go of my
past and moving on to my future.
I knew I'd always miss you and forget you never.
Nothing will ever be clear again the
moments we shared and the moments that made me cry
even the moments I lost still hurt me inside
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
You and me.
WHY:
A great man once asked me why.
As I looked in his eye
I swear I almost cried.
I tried to fight back the tears but they were
stronger then I was I turned to say
Why this couldn't work because
I knew it was time to tell him good bye.
As the tear left my eye. He stopped asking why.
I knew what it meant when he asked
I just didn't know why it hurt to
not have us last.
I wanted it all along but when asked to
answer why it makes me cry.
TOO MANY TIMES:
Too many times I had to say good bye
Too many times I had to erase you from my life
Too many words were left unspoken
Too many times I had to cry
Too many times I had to stand up and smile
Too many times I was faced with denial
Too many times I had to take you back
Too many times I walked on by
\Too many times my eyes were full of tears
Too many times we were not near
Too many times our eyes never met
I still forgive you I ignore your lies
But right now I must say
We've done this too many times.
JADED:
Fallen from grace
There is no place
There is no one to save her
She's lost in a dream
That no one can see
Because he took it away from me.
Monday, January 11, 2010
beautiful things i see...
I can feel the pain in my throat rising as it slips further away. I begin to let go this world is fading, is this even real? Am I still breathing? Say goodbye to all you ever knew. This life has passed you, has let you go. It washes over me, gives me this curse.
I wonder if I exist in your mind anymore.
I wonder if I should care.
How can I really not be there.
I hold my breath and count to ten and try to bring my self to where you are.
I ran from you now your hiding from me.
Can this really be for the best letting myself go for you with out you calling out for help.
I feel weightless in this endless sleep I'm awake but not really here I drag my hand across something cold. hospital walls all around me people talking and I feel my self laughing. How can laughter come from a dead girl.
I see my fathers face aged and raged and I feel like crying but nothing comes out. I did this to him for you and you don't even care. We've been through this before me and my family my back bone we can do it again but why am I here again.
I feel weight less so weightless i feel as if I'm falling but I can't really feel anything else. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel it with every breath I take a part of me wants it to stop.
I've really done it this time says a nurse as she hooks me up to a machine she says "this might be cold" but I can't feel a thing as her hand slides up my grown and sticks things all over my. the rooms moving fast but we're still in place.
She tells me she needs me to get up and I nearly fall she must be right I've really done it this time. A part of me remembers what happens now. You fall away from me and I don't feel the same.
Every time I lave this place a part of me stays the part that really need to die.
Because I'm young I'm supposed to be stronger then this so I leave the bad behind who only knows how I manage to leave here a better person more focused stronger.
My faith gets ripped further from me each time but somewhere out there, there's hope. It's in my fathers eyes it's at the finger tips of my eldest brother I just needed the shock of death to feel the strength of there hope fighting through me for me. I need someone else to fight for me sometimes but I promise them it's the last and a part of me believes it. I'll get better with hope and faith I'll make it through the storm that has yet to pass.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
mine
As the shadows enclose around me
I keep him close.
In my mind....
In my soul....
In my heart....
I am burning for him.
As he burns for me.
He is mine.
Mine to keep oh so close to me.
I feel him in my dreams.
Feel him sleeping next to me.
Hear his voice speaking to me.
He is mine.
He is mine.
He's all around.
Always here.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The old the haunting
I was just reminded today about a fairy tale I use to love, but now just thinking about it brings up an issue. The princess and the frog.
What in the world was this teaching little girls. Of course look beyond the books cover but what else can you get from this story. A beautiful princess finds a frog that tells her "If you kiss me you'll see I am a prince and will owe you the world." I once loved this story but now I see something else. A girl finding an awful man and trying to bring out the great in him she thinks is there. Lets face it be honest what most girls want more is a man who's unchangeable. One who's hard to get and even harder to fix. We hold on to this idea that they are good somewhere deep down and we might be the ones to break there hard exterior and our gift will be the soft core.
What are the chances of this really happening though. If you think about it most people change when something happens in their life that shows them who they don't want to be and who they are becoming and they change. They'll change their habits friends and life style and men well they have to suffer huge loss to experience this moment of "Do I change or stay the same." They have to lose something they hold dear but for guys who need to be changed usually its something to do with them selves like a job, car, hair and other selfish materialistic items.
Whats the out come though? Makes you wonder what would a women endear for a man she thinks deserves it. For example a man who beats his girlfriend for years but she stays for hope he'll change and they'll finally get their "happy ever after". What the women really gets is a court date not a happy ending with her so called "prince charming". On average how many times do these men really change with that same person in my life I haven't heard of one. I've heard of them changing with someone new but never the same woman that let him hit her more then once in the first place. It's not the woman's fault that in life we're taught to stick it out for what we believe in, no one ever warned me not to believe in trash and by the time they had it was to late I was already in love with scum with the hope he'd change and be my prince.
The sad thing is we sit by and think oh its just a cute love story that's all no harm no foul but isn't true some feminist wont let their children watch fairy tales for this very reason or for that matter play with barbies. If I had known better I'd say there was a very good reason for this and I get it now. Who's to say if it really sticks close to heart fairy tales and all but I know they did for me.
What in the world was this teaching little girls. Of course look beyond the books cover but what else can you get from this story. A beautiful princess finds a frog that tells her "If you kiss me you'll see I am a prince and will owe you the world." I once loved this story but now I see something else. A girl finding an awful man and trying to bring out the great in him she thinks is there. Lets face it be honest what most girls want more is a man who's unchangeable. One who's hard to get and even harder to fix. We hold on to this idea that they are good somewhere deep down and we might be the ones to break there hard exterior and our gift will be the soft core.
What are the chances of this really happening though. If you think about it most people change when something happens in their life that shows them who they don't want to be and who they are becoming and they change. They'll change their habits friends and life style and men well they have to suffer huge loss to experience this moment of "Do I change or stay the same." They have to lose something they hold dear but for guys who need to be changed usually its something to do with them selves like a job, car, hair and other selfish materialistic items.
Whats the out come though? Makes you wonder what would a women endear for a man she thinks deserves it. For example a man who beats his girlfriend for years but she stays for hope he'll change and they'll finally get their "happy ever after". What the women really gets is a court date not a happy ending with her so called "prince charming". On average how many times do these men really change with that same person in my life I haven't heard of one. I've heard of them changing with someone new but never the same woman that let him hit her more then once in the first place. It's not the woman's fault that in life we're taught to stick it out for what we believe in, no one ever warned me not to believe in trash and by the time they had it was to late I was already in love with scum with the hope he'd change and be my prince.
The sad thing is we sit by and think oh its just a cute love story that's all no harm no foul but isn't true some feminist wont let their children watch fairy tales for this very reason or for that matter play with barbies. If I had known better I'd say there was a very good reason for this and I get it now. Who's to say if it really sticks close to heart fairy tales and all but I know they did for me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Difference.
We were connected for almost the last 5 years. You were mine I was yours from time to time and happiness leaked from our pores. You'd be doing something I didn't like or something took longer or I was cold and I'd walk up to you bury my head in your chest and look up at you, you'd smile and say "Oh no she's giving me the Mexican eyes." and you'd stop whatever you were doing and do what I wanted you to do. I loved that I loved that I had that one look that made your heart melt and you'd cave even if you didn't want to because you knew I wanted you to.
Whenever we'd split up or have our falling out, I'd try and try to wiggle my way back into your life in anyway that I could think of. You would never let me. One time you went as far as to change your phone number which I didn't find out till way after. The thing is that, I'd always take your calls. I'd be seeing someone else, sleeping, or working but I found a way to take that call when it came every time. I'd let you drag me back in with out much of a fight. I never played around with us all I ever wanted in the start was your word that you loved me and that we'd try even harder this time to make it work.
There would always come that point were I'd forget you for just a second and then that phone would ring and there your voice would be in my ear waking me up and no matter how hard I tried to be snotty and mad at you I'd always break in the end. For you I'd do anything. If you need my kidney it'd be yours if you needed my arms they'd be yours. If you need my help my kind listening ears their yours. If you needed my heart I'd give my life to make you breath and live. Your happiness was always the center of my world. In the end I'd look at your smiling face and it'd break my heart because I was keeping something from you.
It was the only thing I could never be honest about with you. I never wanted you to know the single me. I knew you'd hate her. I knew she'd be the breaking point in who we were. I couldn't bare what it would do to you if you found out. I would break up with you, fight with you, anything to get away before the truth came out and you hated me.
Then I made up my mind. If I was really ever going to get over you and let you find what you deserve I'd have to tell you.
I told you the truth and it didn't get the response I'd always thought it would. I asked you why your answer was so perfect it made me cry.
"It doesn't matter who you've became, who you've been with, but I can't help but look at you and see my Bianca."
It was perfect. The perfect answer and I wish it could have taken my shame away. It only made me feel worse to hear these words. They are last civil words you said to me.
So I sit here and wonder a lot now. There are few things I know for sure. I know this was my fault. I ruined the only good thing I ever had. The worst part is I didn't even know I was doing it.
I want nothing more then for you to be happy.
Even if it kills me.
My wonders lately float around your new life. Her. I wonder if she wears your shirts and shorts, I wonder if she gets as much comfort from them as I do. I wear mine thin. Their all I have left of you. When I wear them I feel as if your wrapped around me. I don't sleep right with out them. When I've had a bad day I run home strip down and pull out your shirt and a pair of your shorts and I sit on my floor and cry. Their like my safety blanket I want to wear under all my clothes all the time. You use to hate me stealing your stuff then whenever you wanted to get rid of them you'd ask me first if I wanted them. Holes and all I have them. I'd trade them in a heart beat for you.
I wonder if she could ever care about you the way I do. I know she must be better then me but no one can love you the way I did. I'd give everything to start over and jump back into your old Honda accord and start fresh as little sophomores in high school. That's the bad thing though. We learn but we can never go back and do it over.
I don't want her to be happy with you. I hope she hates you and can't handle your humor and attitude the way I can. I want you happy just not with anyone else. Not when I'm still around to make you happy. It's selfish but I already told you I'd always be selfish with my love for you. I'm unhappy without you. I miss your voice, your smell, your smile, your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace on those cold cold nights. I miss "look at me, hold me, touch me, talk to me, pay attention to me!" I miss the way your hand felt in mine on those long car rides. I miss you singing in your car to a day to remember. I miss your laugh so much I'd do anything to hear it one more time.
It's funny because they say break ups never feel as hard once it's done and over and time has passed. To me it feels like your dead. I can't see you I can't hear you and I can't feel you and my heart keeps reaching out with everything it has but it can't find you. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear but I could never do that to you. I just don't know how to keep going without you. If you weren't made for me then I was made for you and no one else will do. No one is you. That's all I want in someone else i want everything you are.
I want an asshole with a sense of humor, someone mean but you know they have a sweet side, I want someone tough but so vulnerable inside you just want to keep them safe forever. I want someone who laughs like their still a careless child and you do. I want someone to work on a car all day and come over to my house smelling of oil. I want a man with working hands and a clean face. I want a man who hates hair on the back of his neck and will do anything to get rid of it, I want him to be taller then me but only so I fit right under his chin. I want your smile. Your beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes. I want someone who's breath smells like yours. Someone who loves Honda's and knows what their doing and talking about. I want someone who loves music but thinks with a straight head and would never make their life about it. I want someone who loves cheese raviolis with lots of marinara and someone who loves pb and j with lots of strawberry jelly. Someone who can eat Wendy's everyday and never get sick of it. I want a man with small feet and hands who's body fits with mine as we sleep. I want someone who will be you for me.
I can't feel my heart beating anymore but I'm still breathing. A broken heart shouldn't be allowed to have to wake up a day after being broken. It isn't fair that you have to live life after the love of your life moves on. To wake up and breath air that isn't his scent. I don't want to wake up one more morning without you, but I can't leave this world without you. You'd hate me more if I gave into myself but I need your strength to stay grounded I never was much without you and now I'm just as hollow. I wake up everyday hoping today will be the day, the day I don't feel empty, unwanted, unloved, used, and abandoned. Each morning I sit up wrap my arms around my legs and try to face another day if only for your sake. That's awful isn't it your no longer mine yet I'm holding on to myself and life for you.
I asked you once.
"Would you cry if I died?"
"What kind of question is that."
"A normal one I mean if you died I'd cry for days I'd probably have a nerves breakdown and like have to be put on tranquilizers for horses."
"I don't know I never really cry because it's like someones gone and it hurts but you still have your life and it's not they want you to be miserable and missing them so much it overwhelms you."
"It's how you deal with things. They say your never over it until you give into all your emotions and cry."
"Not me."
"Maybe because your dead inside."
"I never told you I wasn't an asshole."
"Are you saying if I died you really wouldn't cry not a tear?"
"I don't know it hasn't happened."
I let it go. I thought about it all the time I remembered my break down of 06' and how you told me to never willingly give my life up. We weren't close at all in that moment you hated me but you told me you'd go crazy if I left because of the hurt I felt from losing you.
The thing is you were a part of me a whole part. A living breathing thing inside of my soul that kept me going and driven towards the future. Now that your dead to me because you've removed yourself from my life. I'm like a lost child in a store. I know you exist and your doing just fine without me and I want you to be happy.
Even if it kills me.
Monday, November 9, 2009
today was a bad day
I've had this strange need to get a hold of Karen Gerrots mom since I got back to Iowa. Ask her if we could still keep in touch and just try to make ammends somehow. I've had a relationship with this her since I fell in love with her son all those years ago. I couldn't help but feel as if we had a bond that I missed. Some people have told me you lose the relationship you lose their family as well. Did it have to work that way. I don't believe it does. I spent holidays in her house, and whole days and afternoons with her. Yes gerrot and I were not married, and no do not have children but why just because we didnt work out is it wrong for me to care about his mom and step dad.
I've wanted to call her. I talk about her. All the time in fact. Even today I kept bringing her up. To the point where my own mother asked me what the deal was why I kept bringing up Karen. I didn't know I just missed her and the whole day seemed to be filled with reasons to bring her up. Reasons I would hate later.
We drove to Iowa City at 6:30am Monday morning went threw Charles City. I said her name for the first time then.
"I wonder how Karens doing I should call her." I thought out loud as we passed the gilbert street exit.
"Why you don't want thats stupid boy back do you?" My mother said from the front seat.
"Even if that was possible I wouldn't go through his mom. I just miss her and she was going threw a lot right before him and I stopped talking." It was true Gerrot has made himself clear and I respect that. I have my doubts everyday about the way I ended things but know it will take a miricale to win him back. I just really missed his mom and truly care about how shes doing. I mean in all fairness I always thought one day she'd be my mother in law and respect her more then my own mother most days.
"Well then why dont you call her?" My mom asked.
"I would but Gerrot made me delete her phone number something about I didnt have a right to have it after we broke up." I always say this but I know she has a house phone thats listed, I know where she lives, I know where her salon is and I know I could always call there. I just didnt want it to seem as if I was desprate. I just figured it would be better if I called her on her cell phone instead of trying every other phone she has. Honestly I dont know why I didnt just do it anyway. I should have after today I know I should have.
We got to Iowa City dropped ruth off at school then went to cedar rapids to go to sams club. I saw a huge book of scrapbooking things there.
"Oh I bet Karen would love this look." I said showing it to my mom.
"She scrapbooks?" she asked.
"Yea all the time." I said smiling, but put it down what was I going to do call Gerrot tell him he should buy it for his mom for christmas. Yea good luck getting him to answer my calls.
"That's nice I wish I could." she said moving on I ignored her.
We saw these really pretty glasses. They were heavy duty they had mooses on them.
"Oh Karen would love these! They'd match everything I saw on easter." I said lifting the box and checking the price.
"Those are nice but why are you checking the price?" my mom asked.
"I dont know." I answerd so I set them down and moved on. I really didnt want to admit I was checking the price so I could tell gerrot we should get them for his mom for christmas. What was wrong with me why couldn't I remember Gerrot and I no longer existed.
I saw these yummy preztel chips that karen had made me try once after a visit to sam's club.
"Oh wow I love these."
"What are they?" my mom said eyeing the bag.
"Their preztel chips their so good karen made me try them once."
"What's going on thats like the fifth time you've brought her up today."
"No idea. Like I said I've been thinking about getting a hold of her and well theres just lots of things about today that make me think of her. I guess" I said setting the bag down.
"It's weird you never talk about me that much."
"Oh mom dont worry I talk about you plenty."
The car ride back was uneventfull. Until we got to the first charles city exit and my aunt pulled in went to the bathroom. Mom got a pop I stayed in the car. "Almost home." I remember thinking. The next twenty or so minutes blur together though.
Theres black smoke, flashing lights, ash and a fire.
There we are pulling back on to the road and theres this cloud up ahead. A huge black cloud of smoke.
"Do you see that?" I asked my aunt and mother.
"Yea whats over there." My mom asked.
"Nothing the river maybe and fields." my aunt said. The river. My heart stopped and spead up.
"Oh my god theres houses over there." I said but I only saw one house I could only think of the only family I know in charles city. "Aunt Karen please can you go faster." I asked my voice and hands shaking as I grabbed my phone.
"Why sweetie? Whats wrong?" She asked.
My mom answered for me. "Gerrots mom lives by the river."
As we got further down the road there was that smoke. That awful black smoke making my heart race. There was their shop the one gerrot and I had spent long hours painting rims and lug nuts. Me sitting there him working on his car. But there was the smoke where there house should be as we passed the exit.
"Aunt Karen turn around please mom we have to go down there please." I begged. Tears filling my eyes. Was karen home? Was kelly inside? Did ryan come home to eat? Was gerrot there inside on his computer? Dont let anyone be home please. I prayed.
"Karen turn here." my mom said pointing ahead.
The road thats past that exit the one that goes by that harley place they were both talking but I couldnt hear a word.
"Aunt Karen please go faster." I dont know what was said all I remember is the weight of my phone in my hands as I dialed gerrots number. I held it I couldnt call until I knew he wasn't there.
The car didnt make it to gilbert street before I jumped out of it. A few months earlier Karen Gerrot Ryan and I were standing outside watching a tornado touch down across the river watching the clouds go crazy. It was the same scene darkness cars parked along the exit but this was different this was their house in flames my knees buckled as I realized there porch was gone and the entire house was black and barley standing. My hands flew to my face and the first wimper extied my mouth. I grabbed a sherif as I heard my mom call me from behind me. I couldn't listen to her right now I needed to know something.
"Were the smiths in the house?"I asked in a panic.
"What?" he asked stepping closer.
"Karen and Ryan Smith were they in the house?" I asked again hearing my voice shack.
"No one was home but you should back up." he said this as I walked around him.
Karen where was karen I pushed call on my phone and let it ring after to it went to voice mail. "gerrot" was all it said.
"Gerrot I'm out front of your moms house and it's on fire." I dont know if I said more I dont even know why I said fire. I just had to let him know how serious this was. I kept walking. I had to find Karen. My mom called from behind me. I finally turned to look at her.
"Did you call gerrot." she asked.
"Yea just now he didnt answer he ignored my phone call like always. I have to find Karen that sherif said no one was inside." I told her turning back to the house why was it still burning? Why this house? Where is Karen?
Then my phone beeped. It was gerrot. I don't know if I said anything I dont even remember what he said exacatally. I remember anger. well deserved anger. A threat that if I was there when he got there hed kill me "beat my face in" was all I heard. "fine" I said hanging up.
I turned around and headed back towards the car.
"where are you going?" my mother asked.
"that was gerrot he's here or coming or something he doesn't want me here." I said tears waiting to burst.
"no you find karen right now bianca you'll hate yourself if you dont." she said
"mom he's not joking he said he was going to beat my face in if he saw me." I said turning around again.
"bianca no stop."
I looked at her and I knew she was right and out of the corner of my eye I say it her poniac torrid just up the road she wasnt in it. I started jogging until I saw her. Sitting on a gurney. Was she hurt? I thought the sherif said no one was inside? I finally got to her side.
"Karen." She turned to look at me as I sat next to her.
"Oh bianca." She said crying harder then before. I grabbed her and held onto her as tight as I could. What was I doing, what do I say now, what if gerrot comes walking up and rips me away from her. I felt her hands around my back holding on just as tight as I was I felt the tears run down my face finally giving up thinking.
"Karen I'm so sorry." I whispered
"How did you hear?" she asked.
"I didnt we were coming back and we saw the smoke. I had to come down." I felt her grip tighten more and her sobs increased it broke my heart that I didnt have one thing to say to this women who had been my mother at times.
"Oh bianca everythings gone." she said. I was to young in this moment to inexperienced, there wasn't a thing I could say to make this situation better I was just so glad ryan and her weren't in the house that was falling in ashes all around us. So I just said.
"I know but look, you and ryan weren't in there it could have been worse. Really it could have." Then it hit me. I pulled her away and looked at her face wiping tears from under her eyes. "Karen wheres was kelly?" She didn't need to say she fell back on my shoulder and gripped me tight as the sobs fought their way out. I pulled her tighter as I started to cry again. They had just lost shelby and now their home and kelly. Then I dreamed it or she said it. I still can't figure it out. "I wish you were still with gerrot." Through the sobs I thought she might have meant with him here or maybe I wish you were gerrot. So I said the only thing that would fit all three.
"I know I'm so sorry but he doesn't want me here I can't stay." I cried more and let her hang on to me she needed someone. I was there. I didn't want to leave I could see the ashes covering our jeans and the ground in front of us the ashes of her dream of her life. I let her tears fall on my shoulder as I rocked us both back and forth rubbing her back. Trying everything I knew to comfort her. Why did I have to leave I got here first this wasnt fair to her she knows now that I care and now I have to run when she just needs anyone to hold her as her life turns to ash. I could be anyone a stranger a neighbor anyone but it was me. Someone she knew and at one point enjoyed and respected. I'd leave when her son took my place he should be here why wasnt he her. Karens sobs had soften I looked over and saw my mom coming closer placing her hand on karens knee. It broke my heart. I had told karen before "There's just something about my mom thats always made us bump heads." But here she was trying to comfort a women she barely knew because she knew how important she was to me. Karens head now rested on my shoulder. The tears had slowed for a moment.
"How did it start?" I asked.
"They wont know till they put it out." she said. Tears still striking her face.
I thought then about her house. I walked in the garage with gerrot though to the kitchen set my purse on the counter saw karen at the sink washing her hands saw kelly sitting on gerrots lap at the table that was set for a meal with her moose set plates and coffee mugs that were just the right size, saw her "office" with all of her supplys for scrap booking her computer her laptop and the pictures that covered the walls, gerrots teddy bears and the view of the river and their bench swing in the back yard, the big comfy couchs in the living room kellys canal the big stone wall that held all of her scrapbooks more pictures and cute knick knacks of black bears, the window that let you see more of the back yard and the river down bellow and on the opposite wall a window the same size facing the street, saw memories of kelly up on the couch as me and karen sat there laughing becasue she had heard gerrot start his acura, I saw gerrots scrap book that I longed to be a part of everytime I had flipped threw it, seeing his life the way his mother saw it the way it looked best and their was the prom page there where our happy faces looking back at me and the tickets the only page I'd ever be on, I saw the front door where we'd let kelly out to play, the upstairs bathroom that was my size the bed room were me and gerrot had slept just one night with his old dresser that still had school pictures of ex girl friends and I bet the letters that where in the drawers were from brittany, and karen and ryans bedroom where their clothes lined the wall. everything all of it gone forever.
My heart was broken. I wished I was wiser smarter better equipped to say just the right things. The only thing I could do was hold her.
"Karen was there anything you needed." my mother asked her eyes searching she probably felt as helpless as I did.
"No." Karen said. Tears still running down her face. I wished I could stop this day from happening somehow.
"Anyone you need me to call maybe." Mom said.
"No ryans making the calls I don't know where my phone is." Karen added looking around. I grabbed mine from my pocket and saw it had been 20 minutes since I got off the phone with gerrot.
"Karen I should go." I said hugging her tightly I didn't let go until she lost her grip on my sides.
"Yea he'll be here soon." she said looking at me. Seeing her face made me cry more.
"Yea and he really doesn't want me here, but if you need anything at all just let me know." I said "Wait I dont have your phone number any longer um what was it."
I hugged her one last time. "Karen I mean it ok anything at all just let me know and I'll be here okay."
"Okay thank you for being here." she said.
I couldn't move so knelt next to her and said. "I'm still here no matter what okay I love you Karen."
"I love you too Bianca." She said. I knew I did. I knew today was one of the hardest days of her life.
It ripped through me worse then I thought it would.
On the way home he called again. He blamed me for every bad thing that had ever happened to him cause I was there. He blamed me and I let him because he needed to blame someone.
I've wanted to call her. I talk about her. All the time in fact. Even today I kept bringing her up. To the point where my own mother asked me what the deal was why I kept bringing up Karen. I didn't know I just missed her and the whole day seemed to be filled with reasons to bring her up. Reasons I would hate later.
We drove to Iowa City at 6:30am Monday morning went threw Charles City. I said her name for the first time then.
"I wonder how Karens doing I should call her." I thought out loud as we passed the gilbert street exit.
"Why you don't want thats stupid boy back do you?" My mother said from the front seat.
"Even if that was possible I wouldn't go through his mom. I just miss her and she was going threw a lot right before him and I stopped talking." It was true Gerrot has made himself clear and I respect that. I have my doubts everyday about the way I ended things but know it will take a miricale to win him back. I just really missed his mom and truly care about how shes doing. I mean in all fairness I always thought one day she'd be my mother in law and respect her more then my own mother most days.
"Well then why dont you call her?" My mom asked.
"I would but Gerrot made me delete her phone number something about I didnt have a right to have it after we broke up." I always say this but I know she has a house phone thats listed, I know where she lives, I know where her salon is and I know I could always call there. I just didnt want it to seem as if I was desprate. I just figured it would be better if I called her on her cell phone instead of trying every other phone she has. Honestly I dont know why I didnt just do it anyway. I should have after today I know I should have.
We got to Iowa City dropped ruth off at school then went to cedar rapids to go to sams club. I saw a huge book of scrapbooking things there.
"Oh I bet Karen would love this look." I said showing it to my mom.
"She scrapbooks?" she asked.
"Yea all the time." I said smiling, but put it down what was I going to do call Gerrot tell him he should buy it for his mom for christmas. Yea good luck getting him to answer my calls.
"That's nice I wish I could." she said moving on I ignored her.
We saw these really pretty glasses. They were heavy duty they had mooses on them.
"Oh Karen would love these! They'd match everything I saw on easter." I said lifting the box and checking the price.
"Those are nice but why are you checking the price?" my mom asked.
"I dont know." I answerd so I set them down and moved on. I really didnt want to admit I was checking the price so I could tell gerrot we should get them for his mom for christmas. What was wrong with me why couldn't I remember Gerrot and I no longer existed.
I saw these yummy preztel chips that karen had made me try once after a visit to sam's club.
"Oh wow I love these."
"What are they?" my mom said eyeing the bag.
"Their preztel chips their so good karen made me try them once."
"What's going on thats like the fifth time you've brought her up today."
"No idea. Like I said I've been thinking about getting a hold of her and well theres just lots of things about today that make me think of her. I guess" I said setting the bag down.
"It's weird you never talk about me that much."
"Oh mom dont worry I talk about you plenty."
The car ride back was uneventfull. Until we got to the first charles city exit and my aunt pulled in went to the bathroom. Mom got a pop I stayed in the car. "Almost home." I remember thinking. The next twenty or so minutes blur together though.
Theres black smoke, flashing lights, ash and a fire.
There we are pulling back on to the road and theres this cloud up ahead. A huge black cloud of smoke.
"Do you see that?" I asked my aunt and mother.
"Yea whats over there." My mom asked.
"Nothing the river maybe and fields." my aunt said. The river. My heart stopped and spead up.
"Oh my god theres houses over there." I said but I only saw one house I could only think of the only family I know in charles city. "Aunt Karen please can you go faster." I asked my voice and hands shaking as I grabbed my phone.
"Why sweetie? Whats wrong?" She asked.
My mom answered for me. "Gerrots mom lives by the river."
As we got further down the road there was that smoke. That awful black smoke making my heart race. There was their shop the one gerrot and I had spent long hours painting rims and lug nuts. Me sitting there him working on his car. But there was the smoke where there house should be as we passed the exit.
"Aunt Karen turn around please mom we have to go down there please." I begged. Tears filling my eyes. Was karen home? Was kelly inside? Did ryan come home to eat? Was gerrot there inside on his computer? Dont let anyone be home please. I prayed.
"Karen turn here." my mom said pointing ahead.
The road thats past that exit the one that goes by that harley place they were both talking but I couldnt hear a word.
"Aunt Karen please go faster." I dont know what was said all I remember is the weight of my phone in my hands as I dialed gerrots number. I held it I couldnt call until I knew he wasn't there.
The car didnt make it to gilbert street before I jumped out of it. A few months earlier Karen Gerrot Ryan and I were standing outside watching a tornado touch down across the river watching the clouds go crazy. It was the same scene darkness cars parked along the exit but this was different this was their house in flames my knees buckled as I realized there porch was gone and the entire house was black and barley standing. My hands flew to my face and the first wimper extied my mouth. I grabbed a sherif as I heard my mom call me from behind me. I couldn't listen to her right now I needed to know something.
"Were the smiths in the house?"I asked in a panic.
"What?" he asked stepping closer.
"Karen and Ryan Smith were they in the house?" I asked again hearing my voice shack.
"No one was home but you should back up." he said this as I walked around him.
Karen where was karen I pushed call on my phone and let it ring after to it went to voice mail. "gerrot" was all it said.
"Gerrot I'm out front of your moms house and it's on fire." I dont know if I said more I dont even know why I said fire. I just had to let him know how serious this was. I kept walking. I had to find Karen. My mom called from behind me. I finally turned to look at her.
"Did you call gerrot." she asked.
"Yea just now he didnt answer he ignored my phone call like always. I have to find Karen that sherif said no one was inside." I told her turning back to the house why was it still burning? Why this house? Where is Karen?
Then my phone beeped. It was gerrot. I don't know if I said anything I dont even remember what he said exacatally. I remember anger. well deserved anger. A threat that if I was there when he got there hed kill me "beat my face in" was all I heard. "fine" I said hanging up.
I turned around and headed back towards the car.
"where are you going?" my mother asked.
"that was gerrot he's here or coming or something he doesn't want me here." I said tears waiting to burst.
"no you find karen right now bianca you'll hate yourself if you dont." she said
"mom he's not joking he said he was going to beat my face in if he saw me." I said turning around again.
"bianca no stop."
I looked at her and I knew she was right and out of the corner of my eye I say it her poniac torrid just up the road she wasnt in it. I started jogging until I saw her. Sitting on a gurney. Was she hurt? I thought the sherif said no one was inside? I finally got to her side.
"Karen." She turned to look at me as I sat next to her.
"Oh bianca." She said crying harder then before. I grabbed her and held onto her as tight as I could. What was I doing, what do I say now, what if gerrot comes walking up and rips me away from her. I felt her hands around my back holding on just as tight as I was I felt the tears run down my face finally giving up thinking.
"Karen I'm so sorry." I whispered
"How did you hear?" she asked.
"I didnt we were coming back and we saw the smoke. I had to come down." I felt her grip tighten more and her sobs increased it broke my heart that I didnt have one thing to say to this women who had been my mother at times.
"Oh bianca everythings gone." she said. I was to young in this moment to inexperienced, there wasn't a thing I could say to make this situation better I was just so glad ryan and her weren't in the house that was falling in ashes all around us. So I just said.
"I know but look, you and ryan weren't in there it could have been worse. Really it could have." Then it hit me. I pulled her away and looked at her face wiping tears from under her eyes. "Karen wheres was kelly?" She didn't need to say she fell back on my shoulder and gripped me tight as the sobs fought their way out. I pulled her tighter as I started to cry again. They had just lost shelby and now their home and kelly. Then I dreamed it or she said it. I still can't figure it out. "I wish you were still with gerrot." Through the sobs I thought she might have meant with him here or maybe I wish you were gerrot. So I said the only thing that would fit all three.
"I know I'm so sorry but he doesn't want me here I can't stay." I cried more and let her hang on to me she needed someone. I was there. I didn't want to leave I could see the ashes covering our jeans and the ground in front of us the ashes of her dream of her life. I let her tears fall on my shoulder as I rocked us both back and forth rubbing her back. Trying everything I knew to comfort her. Why did I have to leave I got here first this wasnt fair to her she knows now that I care and now I have to run when she just needs anyone to hold her as her life turns to ash. I could be anyone a stranger a neighbor anyone but it was me. Someone she knew and at one point enjoyed and respected. I'd leave when her son took my place he should be here why wasnt he her. Karens sobs had soften I looked over and saw my mom coming closer placing her hand on karens knee. It broke my heart. I had told karen before "There's just something about my mom thats always made us bump heads." But here she was trying to comfort a women she barely knew because she knew how important she was to me. Karens head now rested on my shoulder. The tears had slowed for a moment.
"How did it start?" I asked.
"They wont know till they put it out." she said. Tears still striking her face.
I thought then about her house. I walked in the garage with gerrot though to the kitchen set my purse on the counter saw karen at the sink washing her hands saw kelly sitting on gerrots lap at the table that was set for a meal with her moose set plates and coffee mugs that were just the right size, saw her "office" with all of her supplys for scrap booking her computer her laptop and the pictures that covered the walls, gerrots teddy bears and the view of the river and their bench swing in the back yard, the big comfy couchs in the living room kellys canal the big stone wall that held all of her scrapbooks more pictures and cute knick knacks of black bears, the window that let you see more of the back yard and the river down bellow and on the opposite wall a window the same size facing the street, saw memories of kelly up on the couch as me and karen sat there laughing becasue she had heard gerrot start his acura, I saw gerrots scrap book that I longed to be a part of everytime I had flipped threw it, seeing his life the way his mother saw it the way it looked best and their was the prom page there where our happy faces looking back at me and the tickets the only page I'd ever be on, I saw the front door where we'd let kelly out to play, the upstairs bathroom that was my size the bed room were me and gerrot had slept just one night with his old dresser that still had school pictures of ex girl friends and I bet the letters that where in the drawers were from brittany, and karen and ryans bedroom where their clothes lined the wall. everything all of it gone forever.
My heart was broken. I wished I was wiser smarter better equipped to say just the right things. The only thing I could do was hold her.
"Karen was there anything you needed." my mother asked her eyes searching she probably felt as helpless as I did.
"No." Karen said. Tears still running down her face. I wished I could stop this day from happening somehow.
"Anyone you need me to call maybe." Mom said.
"No ryans making the calls I don't know where my phone is." Karen added looking around. I grabbed mine from my pocket and saw it had been 20 minutes since I got off the phone with gerrot.
"Karen I should go." I said hugging her tightly I didn't let go until she lost her grip on my sides.
"Yea he'll be here soon." she said looking at me. Seeing her face made me cry more.
"Yea and he really doesn't want me here, but if you need anything at all just let me know." I said "Wait I dont have your phone number any longer um what was it."
I hugged her one last time. "Karen I mean it ok anything at all just let me know and I'll be here okay."
"Okay thank you for being here." she said.
I couldn't move so knelt next to her and said. "I'm still here no matter what okay I love you Karen."
"I love you too Bianca." She said. I knew I did. I knew today was one of the hardest days of her life.
It ripped through me worse then I thought it would.
On the way home he called again. He blamed me for every bad thing that had ever happened to him cause I was there. He blamed me and I let him because he needed to blame someone.
Monday, August 31, 2009
California Bound
I've been up and down this road before
I always seem to find myself here, back here.
I've been traveling far thinking
of the way your lips feel on mine
thinking of your touch.
Turning up the radio trying to
drown out the memories of your voice
in my ear.
I'm on this road hoping I don't miss
this on those cold beaches out west
when all I have is myself
and your miles away.
My greatest fear is I'll lose you
but then why must I leave?
I do have to leave my spirts already
there waiting for me to catch it.
I have yet to know how I'll feel when
my plane hits the open air and the
space between us grows but it worries
me that I'm leaving you behind forever.
Was this the plan all along?
Was I always supposed to leave you?
Apart of me knows I've already lost you.
I'm just pulling the plug on this.
But I know I'll miss it. Us and the
hope things will be better in the
morning.
They wont. They never are.
I always seem to find myself here, back here.
I've been traveling far thinking
of the way your lips feel on mine
thinking of your touch.
Turning up the radio trying to
drown out the memories of your voice
in my ear.
I'm on this road hoping I don't miss
this on those cold beaches out west
when all I have is myself
and your miles away.
My greatest fear is I'll lose you
but then why must I leave?
I do have to leave my spirts already
there waiting for me to catch it.
I have yet to know how I'll feel when
my plane hits the open air and the
space between us grows but it worries
me that I'm leaving you behind forever.
Was this the plan all along?
Was I always supposed to leave you?
Apart of me knows I've already lost you.
I'm just pulling the plug on this.
But I know I'll miss it. Us and the
hope things will be better in the
morning.
They wont. They never are.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
DTF??
So I have been called DTF since I was 12 years old(by girls in my grade 7th who were learning to give blow jobs on each others boyfriends. BTW).
Which is funny because I didn't have sex until I was 14. For the very first time and I just so happened to not want it and it was rape (I'm sure if you don't believe me go to the court house and look it up the case file should be there.) by a brothers friend who was 20 at the time.
Since then I can count my sexual partners on one hand. Yet I'm still DTF? Really people[Kevin Mason]? I mean yes I am really flirtatious and yes I have kissed my far share of guys but to call someone easy or a whore don't you have to know for a fact that they have willingly hopped on at least lets say 7 guys dicks just this year?
That's at least what I say is a whore for sure and I know this because at least four of my friends at one point or still are maybe are whores or slutty if you will. Yes I can see why me having friends that are easy will give people the impression that I am easy as well but, yes theres always a but, but you still have to know at least a handful of people someones fucked or done crazy shit with random guys to know for sure. I mean asking a drunk girl at a party if she wants to fuck you and she says no with a smile and walks away and never does fuck you does not [I repeat DOES NOT] Give you the right to call her a whore. Yes she might have made out with you at a party. Yes she might have hooked up with one of your old friends months earlier and yes she might have played along with one text here or there but this does not make her i.e. me a whore. I apologize if kissing in your book is slutty of whorish but to me you are a whore if you are more then willing to let the panties drop or do favors for male friends.
This makes sense does it not?
Yet a very nice smart well driven friendly girl who likes to party and occasionally makes out with the random guy? Really leave her i.e. me alone.
Proof that kissing is not a slutty thing the definition from urban dictionary.[I know but still read on]
Whore:
(1) A term used by people who sleep around to insult someone who doesn't; as for an act of jealousy.
(2) A woman who is paid for sexual services.
and slut:
Someone who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him a sympathy fuck either because someone asked her to or she just has to fuck everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitely increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are.
and for shits and giggles dtf.
DTF:
DTF = "DOWN TO FUCK"
DOWN TO GET THAT DICK
DTFNE1
down to fuck any 1
and what the hell I don't make the cut for a make out whore either because here goes make out whore:
make out whore
a girl that makes out with numerous guys, sober or intoxicated, but has no intentions of making a relationship out of it. she does this for pure pleasure and the enjoyment of the moment.
See at my craziest level of intoxication I have kissed one boy and a very good girlfriend in the same night but never I repeat never "numerous guys" and always has it been after way to much to drink which is never an excuse but sure encourages the situation. And yes I know most people think kissing girls in front of guys is slutty but she is a very good friend who I do not kiss sober and only occasionally kiss drunk. so maybe I'll give you that one fair?
So next time you call someone a whore i.e. me because your pissed they never let you but your little tiny dick inside them and maybe she did let that one guy she dated for 4 1/2 years and that other guy you know who works at best buy does not qualify her as a whore pre say.
Yes maybe a MAKE OUT whore but never a slut or DTF okay? okay peachy and yes I know this will only piss on your fire and you will talk more but that's fine because I wouldn't fuck you then and I will not fuck you now. So sorry you feel the need to call a RAPE victim a whore bravo to you KEVIN MASON make me feel like shit after I pretty much defend you to everyone but its cool next time someone says "I don't know that Kevin Mason guy seems like an ass." I will look them in the eye and say "Why yes, yes he is. and boy do I got a story to tell you about him." So there you are Kevin put that in your bong and smoke it.[which I know you do very well]
tootles!
Which is funny because I didn't have sex until I was 14. For the very first time and I just so happened to not want it and it was rape (I'm sure if you don't believe me go to the court house and look it up the case file should be there.) by a brothers friend who was 20 at the time.
Since then I can count my sexual partners on one hand. Yet I'm still DTF? Really people[Kevin Mason]? I mean yes I am really flirtatious and yes I have kissed my far share of guys but to call someone easy or a whore don't you have to know for a fact that they have willingly hopped on at least lets say 7 guys dicks just this year?
That's at least what I say is a whore for sure and I know this because at least four of my friends at one point or still are maybe are whores or slutty if you will. Yes I can see why me having friends that are easy will give people the impression that I am easy as well but, yes theres always a but, but you still have to know at least a handful of people someones fucked or done crazy shit with random guys to know for sure. I mean asking a drunk girl at a party if she wants to fuck you and she says no with a smile and walks away and never does fuck you does not [I repeat DOES NOT] Give you the right to call her a whore. Yes she might have made out with you at a party. Yes she might have hooked up with one of your old friends months earlier and yes she might have played along with one text here or there but this does not make her i.e. me a whore. I apologize if kissing in your book is slutty of whorish but to me you are a whore if you are more then willing to let the panties drop or do favors for male friends.
This makes sense does it not?
Yet a very nice smart well driven friendly girl who likes to party and occasionally makes out with the random guy? Really leave her i.e. me alone.
Proof that kissing is not a slutty thing the definition from urban dictionary.[I know but still read on]
Whore:
(1) A term used by people who sleep around to insult someone who doesn't; as for an act of jealousy.
(2) A woman who is paid for sexual services.
and slut:
Someone who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him a sympathy fuck either because someone asked her to or she just has to fuck everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitely increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are.
and for shits and giggles dtf.
DTF:
DTF = "DOWN TO FUCK"
DOWN TO GET THAT DICK
DTFNE1
down to fuck any 1
and what the hell I don't make the cut for a make out whore either because here goes make out whore:
make out whore
a girl that makes out with numerous guys, sober or intoxicated, but has no intentions of making a relationship out of it. she does this for pure pleasure and the enjoyment of the moment.
See at my craziest level of intoxication I have kissed one boy and a very good girlfriend in the same night but never I repeat never "numerous guys" and always has it been after way to much to drink which is never an excuse but sure encourages the situation. And yes I know most people think kissing girls in front of guys is slutty but she is a very good friend who I do not kiss sober and only occasionally kiss drunk. so maybe I'll give you that one fair?
So next time you call someone a whore i.e. me because your pissed they never let you but your little tiny dick inside them and maybe she did let that one guy she dated for 4 1/2 years and that other guy you know who works at best buy does not qualify her as a whore pre say.
Yes maybe a MAKE OUT whore but never a slut or DTF okay? okay peachy and yes I know this will only piss on your fire and you will talk more but that's fine because I wouldn't fuck you then and I will not fuck you now. So sorry you feel the need to call a RAPE victim a whore bravo to you KEVIN MASON make me feel like shit after I pretty much defend you to everyone but its cool next time someone says "I don't know that Kevin Mason guy seems like an ass." I will look them in the eye and say "Why yes, yes he is. and boy do I got a story to tell you about him." So there you are Kevin put that in your bong and smoke it.[which I know you do very well]
tootles!
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