Dear..

Marinela MicPlucic,

There was once a time i couldn't imagine telling my secrets to anyone but you. There was once a time when I was only happy jumping into your car listening to loud music smoking like chimneys and talking about retarded ex's. There was a time when I knew boys come and go but we we're forever. I fucked up to realize that you were my best friend no matter how many times I was stupid and went back to whats his face and you swore you'd never talk to me again if I did. But you were still always there. Yes I didn't see you everyday no I didn't talk to you everyday but when we need each other there was no question we were there for one another.

I miss you still. I have none of this. I lost one of the greatest friendships I knew and I never guessed it would be you. There's logic to my craziness and my no longer keeping close girlfriends. I already had the greatest girlfriend in the world and lost her I already know the connection we had can't be replaced because no one has the memories we do. I wasn't finished adding to them but I have no choice.

The worst part is I don't even know why it ended. Its worse then a break up where you knew all along that the end was inevitable. It was a friendship a sisterhood. Now well I go on and pretend it doesn't bother me. Instead of drunk calling ex's I wanna drunk call you and yell and scream "WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME?!?!?!?" It's worse then every break up I've ever had and you know most of them we bad. For once I didn't expect for someone to leave me with out an answer because she's a girl she should understand how hard break up's are when there's no explanation but she didn't follow protocol she dropped me like a dick with out a goodbye or an awful email or text.

I woke up one day and she was just gone. Every part of life is fulfilled but this.

beautiful things I make...

Lyrical romance

Oldies but goodies of mine:

TIME:
Time holds all the answers
but never lets us in
we never reach tomorrow
we never know when today will end.
one moment it's almost gone then it's back again,
for more.
yesterday is in the past never really lived
today last forever
tomorrow is what we hope for
It's all in a matter of time.

LET GO:
The morning light hits at dawn
a smile of hope graces the day
unknown to where she is
this is not her life
where had she gone wrong
why are there scars
why dose this feeling hurt her heart
still unknown to why
she slowly closes her eyes
opens them again it's still not right
where is he the one who love's her so
how did this happen has she finally
just let go.

TELL ME:
tell me something to believe in.
tell me something to trust.
tell me this isn't just lust.
they tell me it's gone.
so tell me you saw it real.
tell me that's why you said it.
tell me something true.
tell me something great.
tell me there's others just like you and me.
so just tell me a story.
something to keep me here with you.

REASON:
I always wonder why.
Why am I here?
Why I love you?
I have wondered what it would have been like,
To be yours totaly and completely.
The thoughts roll by again and again.
You tell me you miss me.
You say you loved me then what happend.
Where did it go.
The passion the love.
The memories are here just with me.
Are they with you.
Do you care do you even notice I'm still there
Always have been I've seen you with others
So whats the reason for "us"
There doesn't seem to be room for it anymore.
So just give me a reason
To still love you.

STILL:
I still remember the times that you made me
cry and you weren't there to whip my eye and apologize.
You said you never ment to hurt me but that
dosen't mean you didn't.It means you know how
to lie. Espeacilly to me.
The words you said pierced my heart and tore
my world apart.
I was scared, in fear of letting go of my
past and moving on to my future.
I knew I'd always miss you and forget you never.
Nothing will ever be clear again the
moments we shared and the moments that made me cry
even the moments I lost still hurt me inside
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
You and me.

WHY:
A great man once asked me why.
As I looked in his eye
I swear I almost cried.
I tried to fight back the tears but they were
stronger then I was I turned to say
Why this couldn't work because
I knew it was time to tell him good bye.
As the tear left my eye. He stopped asking why.
I knew what it meant when he asked
I just didn't know why it hurt to
not have us last.
I wanted it all along but when asked to
answer why it makes me cry.

TOO MANY TIMES:
Too many times I had to say good bye
Too many times I had to erase you from my life
Too many words were left unspoken
Too many times I had to cry
Too many times I had to stand up and smile
Too many times I was faced with denial
Too many times I had to take you back
Too many times I walked on by
\Too many times my eyes were full of tears
Too many times we were not near
Too many times our eyes never met
I still forgive you I ignore your lies
But right now I must say
We've done this too many times.

JADED:
Fallen from grace
There is no place
There is no one to save her
She's lost in a dream
That no one can see
Because he took it away from me.

beautiful things i see...

I can feel the pain in my throat rising as it slips further away. I begin to let go this world is fading, is this even real? Am I still breathing? Say goodbye to all you ever knew. This life has passed you, has let you go. It washes over me, gives me this curse.

I wonder if I exist in your mind anymore.
I wonder if I should care.

How can I really not be there.
I hold my breath and count to ten and try to bring my self to where you are.
I ran from you now your hiding from me.
Can this really be for the best letting myself go for you with out you calling out for help.

I feel weightless in this endless sleep I'm awake but not really here I drag my hand across something cold. hospital walls all around me people talking and I feel my self laughing. How can laughter come from a dead girl.

I see my fathers face aged and raged and I feel like crying but nothing comes out. I did this to him for you and you don't even care. We've been through this before me and my family my back bone we can do it again but why am I here again.

I feel weight less so weightless i feel as if I'm falling but I can't really feel anything else. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel it with every breath I take a part of me wants it to stop.

I've really done it this time says a nurse as she hooks me up to a machine she says "this might be cold" but I can't feel a thing as her hand slides up my grown and sticks things all over my. the rooms moving fast but we're still in place.

She tells me she needs me to get up and I nearly fall she must be right I've really done it this time. A part of me remembers what happens now. You fall away from me and I don't feel the same.

Every time I lave this place a part of me stays the part that really need to die.

Because I'm young I'm supposed to be stronger then this so I leave the bad behind who only knows how I manage to leave here a better person more focused stronger.

My faith gets ripped further from me each time but somewhere out there, there's hope. It's in my fathers eyes it's at the finger tips of my eldest brother I just needed the shock of death to feel the strength of there hope fighting through me for me. I need someone else to fight for me sometimes but I promise them it's the last and a part of me believes it. I'll get better with hope and faith I'll make it through the storm that has yet to pass.

mine

As the shadows enclose around me
I keep him close.
In my mind....
In my soul....
In my heart....

I am burning for him.
As he burns for me.

He is mine.

Mine to keep oh so close to me.

I feel him in my dreams.
Feel him sleeping next to me.
Hear his voice speaking to me.

He is mine.
He is mine.

He's all around.
Always here.

The old the haunting

I was just reminded today about a fairy tale I use to love, but now just thinking about it brings up an issue. The princess and the frog.


What in the world was this teaching little girls. Of course look beyond the books cover but what else can you get from this story. A beautiful princess finds a frog that tells her "If you kiss me you'll see I am a prince and will owe you the world." I once loved this story but now I see something else. A girl finding an awful man and trying to bring out the great in him she thinks is there. Lets face it be honest what most girls want more is a man who's unchangeable. One who's hard to get and even harder to fix. We hold on to this idea that they are good somewhere deep down and we might be the ones to break there hard exterior and our gift will be the soft core.

What are the chances of this really happening though. If you think about it most people change when something happens in their life that shows them who they don't want to be and who they are becoming and they change. They'll change their habits friends and life style and men well they have to suffer huge loss to experience this moment of "Do I change or stay the same." They have to lose something they hold dear but for guys who need to be changed usually its something to do with them selves like a job, car, hair and other selfish materialistic items.

Whats the out come though? Makes you wonder what would a women endear for a man she thinks deserves it. For example a man who beats his girlfriend for years but she stays for hope he'll change and they'll finally get their "happy ever after". What the women really gets is a court date not a happy ending with her so called "prince charming". On average how many times do these men really change with that same person in my life I haven't heard of one. I've heard of them changing with someone new but never the same woman that let him hit her more then once in the first place. It's not the woman's fault that in life we're taught to stick it out for what we believe in, no one ever warned me not to believe in trash and by the time they had it was to late I was already in love with scum with the hope he'd change and be my prince.

The sad thing is we sit by and think oh its just a cute love story that's all no harm no foul but isn't true some feminist wont let their children watch fairy tales for this very reason or for that matter play with barbies. If I had known better I'd say there was a very good reason for this and I get it now. Who's to say if it really sticks close to heart fairy tales and all but I know they did for me.

The Difference.

We were connected for almost the last 5 years. You were mine I was yours from time to time and happiness leaked from our pores. You'd be doing something I didn't like or something took longer or I was cold and I'd walk up to you bury my head in your chest and look up at you, you'd smile and say "Oh no she's giving me the Mexican eyes." and you'd stop whatever you were doing and do what I wanted you to do. I loved that I loved that I had that one look that made your heart melt and you'd cave even if you didn't want to because you knew I wanted you to.

Whenever we'd split up or have our falling out, I'd try and try to wiggle my way back into your life in anyway that I could think of. You would never let me. One time you went as far as to change your phone number which I didn't find out till way after. The thing is that, I'd always take your calls. I'd be seeing someone else, sleeping, or working but I found a way to take that call when it came every time. I'd let you drag me back in with out much of a fight. I never played around with us all I ever wanted in the start was your word that you loved me and that we'd try even harder this time to make it work.

There would always come that point were I'd forget you for just a second and then that phone would ring and there your voice would be in my ear waking me up and no matter how hard I tried to be snotty and mad at you I'd always break in the end. For you I'd do anything. If you need my kidney it'd be yours if you needed my arms they'd be yours. If you need my help my kind listening ears their yours. If you needed my heart I'd give my life to make you breath and live. Your happiness was always the center of my world. In the end I'd look at your smiling face and it'd break my heart because I was keeping something from you.

It was the only thing I could never be honest about with you. I never wanted you to know the single me. I knew you'd hate her. I knew she'd be the breaking point in who we were. I couldn't bare what it would do to you if you found out. I would break up with you, fight with you, anything to get away before the truth came out and you hated me.

Then I made up my mind. If I was really ever going to get over you and let you find what you deserve I'd have to tell you.

I told you the truth and it didn't get the response I'd always thought it would. I asked you why your answer was so perfect it made me cry.

"It doesn't matter who you've became, who you've been with, but I can't help but look at you and see my Bianca."

It was perfect. The perfect answer and I wish it could have taken my shame away. It only made me feel worse to hear these words. They are last civil words you said to me.

So I sit here and wonder a lot now. There are few things I know for sure. I know this was my fault. I ruined the only good thing I ever had. The worst part is I didn't even know I was doing it.

I want nothing more then for you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.

My wonders lately float around your new life. Her. I wonder if she wears your shirts and shorts, I wonder if she gets as much comfort from them as I do. I wear mine thin. Their all I have left of you. When I wear them I feel as if your wrapped around me. I don't sleep right with out them. When I've had a bad day I run home strip down and pull out your shirt and a pair of your shorts and I sit on my floor and cry. Their like my safety blanket I want to wear under all my clothes all the time. You use to hate me stealing your stuff then whenever you wanted to get rid of them you'd ask me first if I wanted them. Holes and all I have them. I'd trade them in a heart beat for you.

I wonder if she could ever care about you the way I do. I know she must be better then me but no one can love you the way I did. I'd give everything to start over and jump back into your old Honda accord and start fresh as little sophomores in high school. That's the bad thing though. We learn but we can never go back and do it over.

I don't want her to be happy with you. I hope she hates you and can't handle your humor and attitude the way I can. I want you happy just not with anyone else. Not when I'm still around to make you happy. It's selfish but I already told you I'd always be selfish with my love for you. I'm unhappy without you. I miss your voice, your smell, your smile, your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace on those cold cold nights. I miss "look at me, hold me, touch me, talk to me, pay attention to me!" I miss the way your hand felt in mine on those long car rides. I miss you singing in your car to a day to remember. I miss your laugh so much I'd do anything to hear it one more time.

It's funny because they say break ups never feel as hard once it's done and over and time has passed. To me it feels like your dead. I can't see you I can't hear you and I can't feel you and my heart keeps reaching out with everything it has but it can't find you. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear but I could never do that to you. I just don't know how to keep going without you. If you weren't made for me then I was made for you and no one else will do. No one is you. That's all I want in someone else i want everything you are.

I want an asshole with a sense of humor, someone mean but you know they have a sweet side, I want someone tough but so vulnerable inside you just want to keep them safe forever. I want someone who laughs like their still a careless child and you do. I want someone to work on a car all day and come over to my house smelling of oil. I want a man with working hands and a clean face. I want a man who hates hair on the back of his neck and will do anything to get rid of it, I want him to be taller then me but only so I fit right under his chin. I want your smile. Your beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes. I want someone who's breath smells like yours. Someone who loves Honda's and knows what their doing and talking about. I want someone who loves music but thinks with a straight head and would never make their life about it. I want someone who loves cheese raviolis with lots of marinara and someone who loves pb and j with lots of strawberry jelly. Someone who can eat Wendy's everyday and never get sick of it. I want a man with small feet and hands who's body fits with mine as we sleep. I want someone who will be you for me.


I can't feel my heart beating anymore but I'm still breathing. A broken heart shouldn't be allowed to have to wake up a day after being broken. It isn't fair that you have to live life after the love of your life moves on. To wake up and breath air that isn't his scent. I don't want to wake up one more morning without you, but I can't leave this world without you. You'd hate me more if I gave into myself but I need your strength to stay grounded I never was much without you and now I'm just as hollow. I wake up everyday hoping today will be the day, the day I don't feel empty, unwanted, unloved, used, and abandoned. Each morning I sit up wrap my arms around my legs and try to face another day if only for your sake. That's awful isn't it your no longer mine yet I'm holding on to myself and life for you.

I asked you once.
"Would you cry if I died?"
"What kind of question is that."
"A normal one I mean if you died I'd cry for days I'd probably have a nerves breakdown and like have to be put on tranquilizers for horses."
"I don't know I never really cry because it's like someones gone and it hurts but you still have your life and it's not they want you to be miserable and missing them so much it overwhelms you."
"It's how you deal with things. They say your never over it until you give into all your emotions and cry."
"Not me."
"Maybe because your dead inside."
"I never told you I wasn't an asshole."
"Are you saying if I died you really wouldn't cry not a tear?"
"I don't know it hasn't happened."

I let it go. I thought about it all the time I remembered my break down of 06' and how you told me to never willingly give my life up. We weren't close at all in that moment you hated me but you told me you'd go crazy if I left because of the hurt I felt from losing you.

The thing is you were a part of me a whole part. A living breathing thing inside of my soul that kept me going and driven towards the future. Now that your dead to me because you've removed yourself from my life. I'm like a lost child in a store. I know you exist and your doing just fine without me and I want you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.