Didn't see that coming.

I have pretty eventful life i do alot of silly things with alobt of amazing people. But when something happens and it surprises me you know it's a big deal. So there I am on late night sitting at dining room table room filled with talkable people and I just so happen to be next to a drunk guy who'd have guessed he's babling I'm not listening thinking about running out side for a quick smoke when I hear it the word that always catches my attention love:

"Wait What?" I asked.
"Love is what it's all about. We wouldn't be anything without it, and no one wants anything but it. Forget money, fame and health. We only want love. Lets face it you'd be poor living in a box as long as the person next to you was the person you were in love with rather then healthy rich and living in an amazing house alone. People lie cheat steal and pretend for love every single day that's what it's all about." said drunky next to me.
"Wow" I said.
"Yea until we all realize we aren't worth it. Because we're all selfish bastards."
"Huh." Thats when it happened.
I have this amazing moment with a guy where every word that leaves his mouth is so true and he ruins it. Or did he?

Lalalala

I'm the imperfect girl who wants what she doesn't have but has everything she ever wanted? It's a curse I excepted years ago. One I came to terms with and figured it would do me no harm. But here it is ruining my happiness.

I sit here with a wonderful boyfriend great friends money in the bank a nice place to live and lots of family that support me.

This wonderful boyfriend is the one I've wanted to be with since the first time I meet him four years ago. We're finally in a place that's safe and there is no drama what so ever were picture perfect. He is everything I want and need. But in my craziness I hate him want nothing to do with him and do everything in my power to drive him away. But if he left tomorrow took the high road and just got out of my life, I'd want him back before he got to the end of his street.

I have always done this the things I've wanted in my life have always been at my finger tips waiting for me to grab them and the second I do I don't care for them again but the minute there gone I want them right back. What is this silly thing I call a craziness. No idea. Yes I am bi-polar who isn't? Is this the root to my problems who knows.

The craziness is something I've always made excuses for but if it leads to me destroying my life I will never forgive myself. I have constantly pushed away everything that can leave me by choice for the insane fear it will have the chance to leave me first. You guessed it the second it's gone I want it back right now. This may or may not be the reason for ex boyfriends being repeats all through out my life over and over again taking their turns because I can be happy but the second they are I want them now and make them believe they want me and that I'm the best choice in the matter.

Example's of craziness:
I have 223 t-shirts in my closet because I can't stand the idea of someone having them other then me but I hate them and only wear a handful of them.

4 out of 9 of my previous relationships are guys who moved far far away soon after we were broken up. The rest I went back and fourth between until someone new caught my attention and got put into rotation. The four that got away were not saved one still had to deal with me for a year and a half!

The others they eventually got cut loose because well out of sight out of mind. Now since graduation there are no other relationships there is wonderful boyfriend and a few guys I enjoy the company of nothing serious nope to much work for me getting in and out of relationships when tada look I don't have to I can just hang out with these four guys all at once and never worry. Wow and the funniest part is 3 have been from out of town so they got cut out of rotation to.

Don't believe for a second anyone is safe. The guys who are lucky enough to be "just friends" my best friends the second I think their in a relationship or about to start one I throw a curve ball at them like "wait look at me I think I might want more then a friendship?" Wow and guys these days are easy that works and they don't notice the craziness that starts off "entertain me for 5 minutes and I'll just scoot the room for new pray." "okay now get away they might think we're together and run away" "you know how I thought I wanted to be more then friends sorry big misunderstanding." I mean really? Come on the fact that I know all this about myself and continue to keep it going is ludicrous but you wont see me putting a stop to it anytime soon. For reasons so unknown to me.

Maybe I just get bored easily but there i am making up excuses for my need to ruin every good thing in my life. Wow good one huh? Yes you would think that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery but in that case I've been recovering for 6 years. 6 years is a long time even for ex-meth heads.

So here I sit with a power switch in my hand that says wonderful boyfriend that I'm just dying to turn off but every time I get close I stop myself. The second I stop myself the power buttons in my hand again just waiting.

You can't have it the way you want.

Trust and love go
hand in hand you
can never have one
with out the other.

Love and happiness go
hand in hand one is
not the same with
out the other.

You can love someone
without trusting them
and you can be in love
but not happy.

Trust is like a mirror
once you break it you
can never look at
it the same.

Doesn't matter how hard
you want it to be the same
and make you feel the same way...
Once you break something you
can never really enjoy it
the way you once did...

I love you,
I don't trust you not to hurt me,
I don't trust you to keep me safe,
I don't trust you to make me happy,
I don't trust you to keep me sane,
I don't trust you to make me important,
I don't trust you to stay with me,
I don't trust you to change...

I've given you chances a million in two times.
I've risked it all to try one more time for you
I've put my heart on the line
and gotten nothing but screwed in return
I can't do it again...

I love you but that's not enough with out happiness and trust..
I'm sorry but it just will never be the same you broke me and you don't really understand or care that I'm only broken for you.
On my own I'm fine. I have to do what's right for me.
Right now that doesn't involve you at all.

Who needs progress..

Don't be disappointed in the progress I've made.
If I fall for you today and wake up tomorrow with a heart full of regrets....
We are a secret our lips can't speak in empty hallways
were we both stand. If the words leave our mouths
our lips will linger tangle and lose the battle we've been
fighting to end them where they started.

If our lips meet in every way they shouldn't I'm sorry.
We're a desire that's unattainable...
Stop looking at me like you know me,
as if you know what's inside and floating
on my mind, stop looking at me like you love me,
stop looking at me like you can only see me,
Cause honey you destroy my attempts to stop
us from happening with a look like that.

Love is a child's game and I'm ready to go out
and call a do over and feel you once again.
If only there wasn't so much at stake I'd
risk it all I'd throw my life on the table for
one more second flying threw the air with you.
Somethings different about your touch now that
I can finally feel you again.
Somethings different about your voice
now that I can safely hear it mixed with mine.
Somethings different about the way you look
now that I can finally see you your body tangled with mine.
Somethings different about the way you taste
on my mouth now that our lips have finally touched again.
A lust like ours is impossible to find but we've found it.
So think of me tonight when your alone let these
memories keep you tossing and turning in your bed
as you look at the celling wondering what's missing..
baby it's me it's always been me.
You touch me like I want to be touched without being asked or told.
You kiss me like you want me here and now,
make my knees weak I can smell the liquor feel it burning
my own throat and know it's what brought you here
and that I should turn you away but its your hand
lingering on my back that wont let me let this go not
this quickly..
"Baby your like walking sex that's been walking by me for months teasing."
You say as you kiss my neck. I giggle like I had before because I feel the same when I catch myself in your gaze...

When you awake in the morning I tell you I'm sorry.
I know we messed up. You look at me and smile.
"No we did exactly what we were supposed to do."
You sit up and move over I smile to myself and say out loud.
"I guess we both knew it would happen again eventually."
You smile and pull me onto your lap my head falls on your
shoulder and I can't help but not feel regret for letting the
night take us over.
But I've missed it all for
so long I lost my way.

I missed myself in your arms,
your kiss upon my body and
that look in your eye. To regret
every mistake we made last night.
Would be a shameful loss on my part.
I feel your eyes piercing into my soul like
a hot needle. I need this feeling to feel
right when I'm near you...
I know it might not last again.The thought
is already making it hard
to breathe forget lust it's a dangerous thing
to want what you cant have.
Yet you and I are extremely jinxed with the
teasing taste of lust together.

So unfair...

As soon as you break up with someone or as soon as you are no longer in each other’s lives for what ever reason, they should forget all the little things they’d do that you loved all the things that made you smile or at least they should never be allowed to do it again. Right? Or am I crazy to think this? I just don't understand the meaning of bringing the past into the present. What can possibly be gained from this? Power? Think of it this way you could have had more power staying with me. Plus I have clearly moved on? Or does the fact that it bothers me mean I haven't moved on? Why on earth do guys come into your life find out everything you love about them decide they hate you never want to speak to you again unless other people are around and then they insist on doing the one thing that drives you crazy? The worse part of it all is that he ended it he walked away and left us as we were. Me completely dumbfounded because like a stupid chick he'd turned me into I thought things were going really good with us. Then BAM like a bad joke nothing not a hey hows it going, you still a live, whats up. And wow icing on the cake I work with him so here we are at work and he'll come out of left field and start rubbing my neck? Wait what did that really just happen? I mean come on. As if its not awkward enough that I made the mistake of starting anything with someone I work with and think the world of but now he throws this curve ball at me that leaves me with my jaw hanging in complete amazement wondering "am I crazy?" to top it all off he'll walk away after this completely stupid move and wink at me? Really. Really this is what I have to deal with now just because we have history? Why on earth would it be okay to do this. I never thought about it at party's when he'd come up behind me and touch the small of my back and stay there or when he'd lean close to say something in my ear or even when I'd catch him looking at me from across a room but when all this started at work I was completely left for crazy thinking a million thoughts per second. What do I do next tell him to knock it of or will that encourage it. Tell my boyfriend "oh you know that guy I slept with off and on again last year yea him his been rubbing my neck at work." That will go over great. ha not. It's fine I will deal with it for the short time I can until he moves at the end of summer. You know why. Because I'm still that stupid chick standing there waiting for him to come back. I still have this crazy idea we can be "just friends" and nothing else. That all the things he said about "our friendship meaning a lot to him and how he wasn't ready to risk it when we were both straight out of relationships." were true and that he just needs more time. I'll deal with it cause I was the stupid one to begin with thinking it would ever be more then it was. Given the fact we spent all our time together and that all our friends assumed we were together. Who knows maybe it wasn't such a far fetched idea. But if you ask me it really was the biggest mistake i made with him and I think we both knew it the hole time.