The old the haunting

I was just reminded today about a fairy tale I use to love, but now just thinking about it brings up an issue. The princess and the frog.


What in the world was this teaching little girls. Of course look beyond the books cover but what else can you get from this story. A beautiful princess finds a frog that tells her "If you kiss me you'll see I am a prince and will owe you the world." I once loved this story but now I see something else. A girl finding an awful man and trying to bring out the great in him she thinks is there. Lets face it be honest what most girls want more is a man who's unchangeable. One who's hard to get and even harder to fix. We hold on to this idea that they are good somewhere deep down and we might be the ones to break there hard exterior and our gift will be the soft core.

What are the chances of this really happening though. If you think about it most people change when something happens in their life that shows them who they don't want to be and who they are becoming and they change. They'll change their habits friends and life style and men well they have to suffer huge loss to experience this moment of "Do I change or stay the same." They have to lose something they hold dear but for guys who need to be changed usually its something to do with them selves like a job, car, hair and other selfish materialistic items.

Whats the out come though? Makes you wonder what would a women endear for a man she thinks deserves it. For example a man who beats his girlfriend for years but she stays for hope he'll change and they'll finally get their "happy ever after". What the women really gets is a court date not a happy ending with her so called "prince charming". On average how many times do these men really change with that same person in my life I haven't heard of one. I've heard of them changing with someone new but never the same woman that let him hit her more then once in the first place. It's not the woman's fault that in life we're taught to stick it out for what we believe in, no one ever warned me not to believe in trash and by the time they had it was to late I was already in love with scum with the hope he'd change and be my prince.

The sad thing is we sit by and think oh its just a cute love story that's all no harm no foul but isn't true some feminist wont let their children watch fairy tales for this very reason or for that matter play with barbies. If I had known better I'd say there was a very good reason for this and I get it now. Who's to say if it really sticks close to heart fairy tales and all but I know they did for me.

The Difference.

We were connected for almost the last 5 years. You were mine I was yours from time to time and happiness leaked from our pores. You'd be doing something I didn't like or something took longer or I was cold and I'd walk up to you bury my head in your chest and look up at you, you'd smile and say "Oh no she's giving me the Mexican eyes." and you'd stop whatever you were doing and do what I wanted you to do. I loved that I loved that I had that one look that made your heart melt and you'd cave even if you didn't want to because you knew I wanted you to.

Whenever we'd split up or have our falling out, I'd try and try to wiggle my way back into your life in anyway that I could think of. You would never let me. One time you went as far as to change your phone number which I didn't find out till way after. The thing is that, I'd always take your calls. I'd be seeing someone else, sleeping, or working but I found a way to take that call when it came every time. I'd let you drag me back in with out much of a fight. I never played around with us all I ever wanted in the start was your word that you loved me and that we'd try even harder this time to make it work.

There would always come that point were I'd forget you for just a second and then that phone would ring and there your voice would be in my ear waking me up and no matter how hard I tried to be snotty and mad at you I'd always break in the end. For you I'd do anything. If you need my kidney it'd be yours if you needed my arms they'd be yours. If you need my help my kind listening ears their yours. If you needed my heart I'd give my life to make you breath and live. Your happiness was always the center of my world. In the end I'd look at your smiling face and it'd break my heart because I was keeping something from you.

It was the only thing I could never be honest about with you. I never wanted you to know the single me. I knew you'd hate her. I knew she'd be the breaking point in who we were. I couldn't bare what it would do to you if you found out. I would break up with you, fight with you, anything to get away before the truth came out and you hated me.

Then I made up my mind. If I was really ever going to get over you and let you find what you deserve I'd have to tell you.

I told you the truth and it didn't get the response I'd always thought it would. I asked you why your answer was so perfect it made me cry.

"It doesn't matter who you've became, who you've been with, but I can't help but look at you and see my Bianca."

It was perfect. The perfect answer and I wish it could have taken my shame away. It only made me feel worse to hear these words. They are last civil words you said to me.

So I sit here and wonder a lot now. There are few things I know for sure. I know this was my fault. I ruined the only good thing I ever had. The worst part is I didn't even know I was doing it.

I want nothing more then for you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.

My wonders lately float around your new life. Her. I wonder if she wears your shirts and shorts, I wonder if she gets as much comfort from them as I do. I wear mine thin. Their all I have left of you. When I wear them I feel as if your wrapped around me. I don't sleep right with out them. When I've had a bad day I run home strip down and pull out your shirt and a pair of your shorts and I sit on my floor and cry. Their like my safety blanket I want to wear under all my clothes all the time. You use to hate me stealing your stuff then whenever you wanted to get rid of them you'd ask me first if I wanted them. Holes and all I have them. I'd trade them in a heart beat for you.

I wonder if she could ever care about you the way I do. I know she must be better then me but no one can love you the way I did. I'd give everything to start over and jump back into your old Honda accord and start fresh as little sophomores in high school. That's the bad thing though. We learn but we can never go back and do it over.

I don't want her to be happy with you. I hope she hates you and can't handle your humor and attitude the way I can. I want you happy just not with anyone else. Not when I'm still around to make you happy. It's selfish but I already told you I'd always be selfish with my love for you. I'm unhappy without you. I miss your voice, your smell, your smile, your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace on those cold cold nights. I miss "look at me, hold me, touch me, talk to me, pay attention to me!" I miss the way your hand felt in mine on those long car rides. I miss you singing in your car to a day to remember. I miss your laugh so much I'd do anything to hear it one more time.

It's funny because they say break ups never feel as hard once it's done and over and time has passed. To me it feels like your dead. I can't see you I can't hear you and I can't feel you and my heart keeps reaching out with everything it has but it can't find you. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear but I could never do that to you. I just don't know how to keep going without you. If you weren't made for me then I was made for you and no one else will do. No one is you. That's all I want in someone else i want everything you are.

I want an asshole with a sense of humor, someone mean but you know they have a sweet side, I want someone tough but so vulnerable inside you just want to keep them safe forever. I want someone who laughs like their still a careless child and you do. I want someone to work on a car all day and come over to my house smelling of oil. I want a man with working hands and a clean face. I want a man who hates hair on the back of his neck and will do anything to get rid of it, I want him to be taller then me but only so I fit right under his chin. I want your smile. Your beautiful brown eyes and long eyelashes. I want someone who's breath smells like yours. Someone who loves Honda's and knows what their doing and talking about. I want someone who loves music but thinks with a straight head and would never make their life about it. I want someone who loves cheese raviolis with lots of marinara and someone who loves pb and j with lots of strawberry jelly. Someone who can eat Wendy's everyday and never get sick of it. I want a man with small feet and hands who's body fits with mine as we sleep. I want someone who will be you for me.


I can't feel my heart beating anymore but I'm still breathing. A broken heart shouldn't be allowed to have to wake up a day after being broken. It isn't fair that you have to live life after the love of your life moves on. To wake up and breath air that isn't his scent. I don't want to wake up one more morning without you, but I can't leave this world without you. You'd hate me more if I gave into myself but I need your strength to stay grounded I never was much without you and now I'm just as hollow. I wake up everyday hoping today will be the day, the day I don't feel empty, unwanted, unloved, used, and abandoned. Each morning I sit up wrap my arms around my legs and try to face another day if only for your sake. That's awful isn't it your no longer mine yet I'm holding on to myself and life for you.

I asked you once.
"Would you cry if I died?"
"What kind of question is that."
"A normal one I mean if you died I'd cry for days I'd probably have a nerves breakdown and like have to be put on tranquilizers for horses."
"I don't know I never really cry because it's like someones gone and it hurts but you still have your life and it's not they want you to be miserable and missing them so much it overwhelms you."
"It's how you deal with things. They say your never over it until you give into all your emotions and cry."
"Not me."
"Maybe because your dead inside."
"I never told you I wasn't an asshole."
"Are you saying if I died you really wouldn't cry not a tear?"
"I don't know it hasn't happened."

I let it go. I thought about it all the time I remembered my break down of 06' and how you told me to never willingly give my life up. We weren't close at all in that moment you hated me but you told me you'd go crazy if I left because of the hurt I felt from losing you.

The thing is you were a part of me a whole part. A living breathing thing inside of my soul that kept me going and driven towards the future. Now that your dead to me because you've removed yourself from my life. I'm like a lost child in a store. I know you exist and your doing just fine without me and I want you to be happy.

Even if it kills me.

today was a bad day

I've had this strange need to get a hold of Karen Gerrots mom since I got back to Iowa. Ask her if we could still keep in touch and just try to make ammends somehow. I've had a relationship with this her since I fell in love with her son all those years ago. I couldn't help but feel as if we had a bond that I missed. Some people have told me you lose the relationship you lose their family as well. Did it have to work that way. I don't believe it does. I spent holidays in her house, and whole days and afternoons with her. Yes gerrot and I were not married, and no do not have children but why just because we didnt work out is it wrong for me to care about his mom and step dad.

I've wanted to call her. I talk about her. All the time in fact. Even today I kept bringing her up. To the point where my own mother asked me what the deal was why I kept bringing up Karen. I didn't know I just missed her and the whole day seemed to be filled with reasons to bring her up. Reasons I would hate later.

We drove to Iowa City at 6:30am Monday morning went threw Charles City. I said her name for the first time then.

"I wonder how Karens doing I should call her." I thought out loud as we passed the gilbert street exit.
"Why you don't want thats stupid boy back do you?" My mother said from the front seat.
"Even if that was possible I wouldn't go through his mom. I just miss her and she was going threw a lot right before him and I stopped talking." It was true Gerrot has made himself clear and I respect that. I have my doubts everyday about the way I ended things but know it will take a miricale to win him back. I just really missed his mom and truly care about how shes doing. I mean in all fairness I always thought one day she'd be my mother in law and respect her more then my own mother most days.

"Well then why dont you call her?" My mom asked.
"I would but Gerrot made me delete her phone number something about I didnt have a right to have it after we broke up." I always say this but I know she has a house phone thats listed, I know where she lives, I know where her salon is and I know I could always call there. I just didnt want it to seem as if I was desprate. I just figured it would be better if I called her on her cell phone instead of trying every other phone she has. Honestly I dont know why I didnt just do it anyway. I should have after today I know I should have.

We got to Iowa City dropped ruth off at school then went to cedar rapids to go to sams club. I saw a huge book of scrapbooking things there.

"Oh I bet Karen would love this look." I said showing it to my mom.
"She scrapbooks?" she asked.
"Yea all the time." I said smiling, but put it down what was I going to do call Gerrot tell him he should buy it for his mom for christmas. Yea good luck getting him to answer my calls.
"That's nice I wish I could." she said moving on I ignored her.


We saw these really pretty glasses. They were heavy duty they had mooses on them.

"Oh Karen would love these! They'd match everything I saw on easter." I said lifting the box and checking the price.
"Those are nice but why are you checking the price?" my mom asked.

"I dont know." I answerd so I set them down and moved on. I really didnt want to admit I was checking the price so I could tell gerrot we should get them for his mom for christmas. What was wrong with me why couldn't I remember Gerrot and I no longer existed.

I saw these yummy preztel chips that karen had made me try once after a visit to sam's club.

"Oh wow I love these."
"What are they?" my mom said eyeing the bag.
"Their preztel chips their so good karen made me try them once."
"What's going on thats like the fifth time you've brought her up today."
"No idea. Like I said I've been thinking about getting a hold of her and well theres just lots of things about today that make me think of her. I guess" I said setting the bag down.
"It's weird you never talk about me that much."
"Oh mom dont worry I talk about you plenty."

The car ride back was uneventfull. Until we got to the first charles city exit and my aunt pulled in went to the bathroom. Mom got a pop I stayed in the car. "Almost home." I remember thinking. The next twenty or so minutes blur together though.


Theres black smoke, flashing lights, ash and a fire.

There we are pulling back on to the road and theres this cloud up ahead. A huge black cloud of smoke.

"Do you see that?" I asked my aunt and mother.
"Yea whats over there." My mom asked.
"Nothing the river maybe and fields." my aunt said. The river. My heart stopped and spead up.
"Oh my god theres houses over there." I said but I only saw one house I could only think of the only family I know in charles city. "Aunt Karen please can you go faster." I asked my voice and hands shaking as I grabbed my phone.
"Why sweetie? Whats wrong?" She asked.
My mom answered for me. "Gerrots mom lives by the river."

As we got further down the road there was that smoke. That awful black smoke making my heart race. There was their shop the one gerrot and I had spent long hours painting rims and lug nuts. Me sitting there him working on his car. But there was the smoke where there house should be as we passed the exit.

"Aunt Karen turn around please mom we have to go down there please." I begged. Tears filling my eyes. Was karen home? Was kelly inside? Did ryan come home to eat? Was gerrot there inside on his computer? Dont let anyone be home please. I prayed.
"Karen turn here." my mom said pointing ahead.
The road thats past that exit the one that goes by that harley place they were both talking but I couldnt hear a word.
"Aunt Karen please go faster." I dont know what was said all I remember is the weight of my phone in my hands as I dialed gerrots number. I held it I couldnt call until I knew he wasn't there.

The car didnt make it to gilbert street before I jumped out of it. A few months earlier Karen Gerrot Ryan and I were standing outside watching a tornado touch down across the river watching the clouds go crazy. It was the same scene darkness cars parked along the exit but this was different this was their house in flames my knees buckled as I realized there porch was gone and the entire house was black and barley standing. My hands flew to my face and the first wimper extied my mouth. I grabbed a sherif as I heard my mom call me from behind me. I couldn't listen to her right now I needed to know something.

"Were the smiths in the house?"I asked in a panic.
"What?" he asked stepping closer.
"Karen and Ryan Smith were they in the house?" I asked again hearing my voice shack.
"No one was home but you should back up." he said this as I walked around him.

Karen where was karen I pushed call on my phone and let it ring after to it went to voice mail. "gerrot" was all it said.
"Gerrot I'm out front of your moms house and it's on fire." I dont know if I said more I dont even know why I said fire. I just had to let him know how serious this was. I kept walking. I had to find Karen. My mom called from behind me. I finally turned to look at her.
"Did you call gerrot." she asked.
"Yea just now he didnt answer he ignored my phone call like always. I have to find Karen that sherif said no one was inside." I told her turning back to the house why was it still burning? Why this house? Where is Karen?

Then my phone beeped. It was gerrot. I don't know if I said anything I dont even remember what he said exacatally. I remember anger. well deserved anger. A threat that if I was there when he got there hed kill me "beat my face in" was all I heard. "fine" I said hanging up.

I turned around and headed back towards the car.
"where are you going?" my mother asked.
"that was gerrot he's here or coming or something he doesn't want me here." I said tears waiting to burst.
"no you find karen right now bianca you'll hate yourself if you dont." she said
"mom he's not joking he said he was going to beat my face in if he saw me." I said turning around again.
"bianca no stop."
I looked at her and I knew she was right and out of the corner of my eye I say it her poniac torrid just up the road she wasnt in it. I started jogging until I saw her. Sitting on a gurney. Was she hurt? I thought the sherif said no one was inside? I finally got to her side.
"Karen." She turned to look at me as I sat next to her.
"Oh bianca." She said crying harder then before. I grabbed her and held onto her as tight as I could. What was I doing, what do I say now, what if gerrot comes walking up and rips me away from her. I felt her hands around my back holding on just as tight as I was I felt the tears run down my face finally giving up thinking.
"Karen I'm so sorry." I whispered
"How did you hear?" she asked.
"I didnt we were coming back and we saw the smoke. I had to come down." I felt her grip tighten more and her sobs increased it broke my heart that I didnt have one thing to say to this women who had been my mother at times.
"Oh bianca everythings gone." she said. I was to young in this moment to inexperienced, there wasn't a thing I could say to make this situation better I was just so glad ryan and her weren't in the house that was falling in ashes all around us. So I just said.
"I know but look, you and ryan weren't in there it could have been worse. Really it could have." Then it hit me. I pulled her away and looked at her face wiping tears from under her eyes. "Karen wheres was kelly?" She didn't need to say she fell back on my shoulder and gripped me tight as the sobs fought their way out. I pulled her tighter as I started to cry again. They had just lost shelby and now their home and kelly. Then I dreamed it or she said it. I still can't figure it out. "I wish you were still with gerrot." Through the sobs I thought she might have meant with him here or maybe I wish you were gerrot. So I said the only thing that would fit all three.
"I know I'm so sorry but he doesn't want me here I can't stay." I cried more and let her hang on to me she needed someone. I was there. I didn't want to leave I could see the ashes covering our jeans and the ground in front of us the ashes of her dream of her life. I let her tears fall on my shoulder as I rocked us both back and forth rubbing her back. Trying everything I knew to comfort her. Why did I have to leave I got here first this wasnt fair to her she knows now that I care and now I have to run when she just needs anyone to hold her as her life turns to ash. I could be anyone a stranger a neighbor anyone but it was me. Someone she knew and at one point enjoyed and respected. I'd leave when her son took my place he should be here why wasnt he her. Karens sobs had soften I looked over and saw my mom coming closer placing her hand on karens knee. It broke my heart. I had told karen before "There's just something about my mom thats always made us bump heads." But here she was trying to comfort a women she barely knew because she knew how important she was to me. Karens head now rested on my shoulder. The tears had slowed for a moment.
"How did it start?" I asked.
"They wont know till they put it out." she said. Tears still striking her face.

I thought then about her house. I walked in the garage with gerrot though to the kitchen set my purse on the counter saw karen at the sink washing her hands saw kelly sitting on gerrots lap at the table that was set for a meal with her moose set plates and coffee mugs that were just the right size, saw her "office" with all of her supplys for scrap booking her computer her laptop and the pictures that covered the walls, gerrots teddy bears and the view of the river and their bench swing in the back yard, the big comfy couchs in the living room kellys canal the big stone wall that held all of her scrapbooks more pictures and cute knick knacks of black bears, the window that let you see more of the back yard and the river down bellow and on the opposite wall a window the same size facing the street, saw memories of kelly up on the couch as me and karen sat there laughing becasue she had heard gerrot start his acura, I saw gerrots scrap book that I longed to be a part of everytime I had flipped threw it, seeing his life the way his mother saw it the way it looked best and their was the prom page there where our happy faces looking back at me and the tickets the only page I'd ever be on, I saw the front door where we'd let kelly out to play, the upstairs bathroom that was my size the bed room were me and gerrot had slept just one night with his old dresser that still had school pictures of ex girl friends and I bet the letters that where in the drawers were from brittany, and karen and ryans bedroom where their clothes lined the wall. everything all of it gone forever.

My heart was broken. I wished I was wiser smarter better equipped to say just the right things. The only thing I could do was hold her.
"Karen was there anything you needed." my mother asked her eyes searching she probably felt as helpless as I did.
"No." Karen said. Tears still running down her face. I wished I could stop this day from happening somehow.
"Anyone you need me to call maybe." Mom said.
"No ryans making the calls I don't know where my phone is." Karen added looking around. I grabbed mine from my pocket and saw it had been 20 minutes since I got off the phone with gerrot.
"Karen I should go." I said hugging her tightly I didn't let go until she lost her grip on my sides.
"Yea he'll be here soon." she said looking at me. Seeing her face made me cry more.
"Yea and he really doesn't want me here, but if you need anything at all just let me know." I said "Wait I dont have your phone number any longer um what was it."
I hugged her one last time. "Karen I mean it ok anything at all just let me know and I'll be here okay."
"Okay thank you for being here." she said.
I couldn't move so knelt next to her and said. "I'm still here no matter what okay I love you Karen."
"I love you too Bianca." She said. I knew I did. I knew today was one of the hardest days of her life.

It ripped through me worse then I thought it would.

On the way home he called again. He blamed me for every bad thing that had ever happened to him cause I was there. He blamed me and I let him because he needed to blame someone.