Pretty Words Playing In My Head

"You might sit there and hate me or at least try really hard to find it in yourself to hate me. You might sit there and think everything I ever did was to hurt you. You might not think that every word I said to you was made for you but they were. All of it was real like the air I breath and it was made for you.

I'd do anything to find my way back to that voice that sound that kept me sane, that laugh that was only for me. All the whispers of dreams of tomorrow and hopes of the perfect life it was so simple back then, thinking of you and I planning our future seeing no end in sight we were still hopeless children not knowing what this place had in store for us. I still feel you here with me from time to time."

I hear the breeze as I sit on this deck out in my new home. I wrote those words so long ago I barely remember who I was then, I remember writing them. I was in California and I was very almost drunk (hahaha) and the guys were playing this same beat over and over again. I went to the kitchen grabbed another beer (as if I needed another one) jumped on the counter, grabbed my blackberry and started typing what I believed to be song lyrics. When I finally read them the next day they were almost to beautiful to be song lyrics. They were about Gerrot, and funny enough some girl who hated me at the time inspired me to write it the way I did.

I had a funny way of making everything about him back then. I honestly probably just fell out of love with that man a year ago. That's a completely different story on how that came about. What I always donned as gerrots was almost every word I ever wrote from 2005-2011. That's a huge chunk of time and words that I gave him. What I never realized until recently is that almost everything I wrote thinking of gerrot were actually about someone different entirely. Like the words above those have a certain guys name written all over them, but I couldn't see that in 2009 when I wrote them I was to close I was too "in love". Everything about those words match my failure with the man I once refereed to as my future ex husband who shall remain name less for his sake.

I see it now this man was my friend my best friend and he hurt me but to make matters worse he hurt me and then ended our friendship. I was thinking about him that day I wrote those "lyrics" earlier in the night I was playing the guitar and saw myself sitting in his shed back home jamming out. I will always have fond thoughts of him. Even when we drifted apart I still counted on him and he truly remains one of my closes friends. Gerrot was never childish EVER and I will never sit and think of him fondly. Almost every word out of my mouth to that man was scripted for the actress I was playing called "gerrots perfect mate".

I now believe I never wrote a word when I was with Gerrot not because I was insanely happy but because I wasn't myself a minute with him. I couldn't be creative because that wasn't the part. I never touched a paint brush or pencil when we were together only when we were apart was I able to truly express myself.

I was also playing a part with the last victim the part was "yay bianca finally found love in a totally helpless place" I wanted to be in love so badly I literally made it up in my head. I once again wasn't myself I once again let a man walk all over me for the sake of calling myself happy I was a complete phony. I would have never known I was playing another part if it wasn't for this stupid man making a comment one day that I never painted with him. I didn't believe it. Of course I did I thought but then I realized I didn't pick up my brushes once in the two years we spent together. I also wrote complete crap that was either about someone else or just rambling.

Here I am I actually had to fight to get here. For the first time in my life I had to be happy without a man. Mind you it only lasted two weeks but my god I did it. I was sketching and writing my little butt off and working harder at work then I ever have in my life. I was happy totally satisfied and as cold as it was I was even running again something I hadn't done since the last time I left gerrot. Here I was figuring it out all on my own. How grown up of me.



Then well I took a chance. I was up later then I should have been I had to work at 4 am the next day I had to run. I took a long one next thing I knew it was 10pm way past my bed time. I took some sleeping pills washed them down with some rehab. Then glued myself to my phone to put myself to sleep and there was this name I couldn't get out of my head. So I got on fb typed it in and there he was. No sign of a girlfriend so I took the creeper approach and messaged him. Basically the message was some lame nudge nudge wink wink here's my number we should hang out sometime. No need to judge I'm totally kicking myself for just not talking to the guy who swears he already knew I liked him (there's no way in hell he knew I keep everything on the dl I'm amazing at playing it off(maybe)) Now our story will always start so i was all drugged up on sleeping pills and monster rehab and I got ambitious and threw my number out there. Either way the sucka responded within minutes.

To make a long story even longer, I found myself and then I found him. I wasn't even really trying I swear! I went to work at 4am and the rest is history minus this, I'm writing not this blog clearly and i'm still sketching and painting. I'm currently going to the gym and now running around suburbia. I'm myself and I'm in love I'm not use to it but I really love it.

Veins

For my daughter:

At the end of the day your still in my veins.

I felt a stir from deep inside woke me up in the night I wanted to call you to say goodnight I should have known my little girl was saying goodbye I awoke in the morning and felt her body shifting I didn't think to count the kicks saw my doctor in the afternoon he had nothing but bad news I cried with my mother and father thinking the whole time I wouldn't be able to call her name and see her walk my way I thought of all the moments I'd miss I'd never see her grow I thought I should have called you but I couldn't bring myself to move my house was a sad place all of us mourning the loss of such a new family member shed never play with her cousins sleep in her crib we'd never nap a Sunday afternoon away because she was taken away as much as I wanted to join my daughter and hold her hand through to the other side I knew I couldn't leave her memory un turned I'd stay and keep her name and life alive such a precious miracle taken away I'd have her again I'd get my little girl back one day but it'd never be the same.

Mine

I miss being held tightly to his chest as night turned to day and days turned to weeks dreams turned to life and fantasy's were real

The nights we'd fall asleep gazing into one another's eyes and wake with smiles that would haunt me years in the future

Dull memories never came of ours they lie vivid in my minds eye the mornings he'd wake me up gazing in my eyes whispering he wished he could always have me that way

Naked wrapped in sheets makeup less, fearless, hopelessly dreaming of us waking to his kisses and words would get me through my day

Words no one else shared but us in those moments locked up in his bed actions that could never be rein acted feelings that could never be replaced

True love filled our memories as they were filled away in protective cases sealed in our hearts you can't find love like ours

As the days wore on and the memories shown brighter our love lived on as our time ran out and we parted ways

I still dream of those moments, those mornings, those nights they will always remain the happiest moments in my life

As I grow old and walk this world alone hope lingers in my fingers for another love so strong

mmmmmMmmmmMmm

The world moves slower and slower.. I'm just chilling here waiting for it to stop. What happens when it stops? I mean does your life become redundant for a particular reason or is there an exact cause? A dull relationship, repetitive job, or not furthering an education? I will admit I have just cause to have not gone on with school. When you have no idea what you want to do or be why waste good money on what you want to do today instead of what you want to do for the rest of your life.

As I sit here though watching my dog walk around in circles and my boyfriend play call of duty I can't help but wonder.... What the HELL am I doing? I am not supposed to be here am I? There's no way, I bet I could name a dozen or more teachers who would say "No Bianca get off your ass and start living your damn life." I've always had that problem. I have that mental state constantly you know if my life's already planed that means I can sit here and my life will just happen, yet my life has always had hiccup's and well "happened" when I get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

Whats that mean? Am I just extremely lazy? Where'd my ambition go then? mmmmmmmmmmMmmmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMmmm

Little of this little of that

Everyone has that one thing that makes them feel special, pretty, or confident. That one thing that they put on and it instantly makes them feel better about them self's. For the past five years I've had band shirts that are so worn their covered in holes and smell like me (not in a gross way). Just the other day though when I went searching for my favorite one I stumbled upon my favorite old two stringed pearl necklace, and I put it on and guess what, it gave me that same safe confident pretty feeling that it's never done before. The thing is I've never thought my jewelry could do this because I hate jewelry usually. I own a lot of it but hate it on for to long. Plus the shirts have kind of been a crutch for me all these years.

What I'm trying to say is in this crazy moment when the necklace was safely clasped around my neck and i touched and looked at myself in awe and felt better, safer I was extremely proud of myself. I instantly stopped looking for my shirt and went on with my day. It was then that I felt the gravitational pull further away from him.

People complain that they don't understand why i still speak of him but here are my thoughts:

*When I wasn't talking about him I wanted to.
*When I wasn't talking about him the second he came up I'd hyper ventilate and over react.
*When I wasn't talking about him and would see him I'd instantly take it as a sign from the love gods that we needed to get back together.
*When I wasn't talking about him I tried very stupid things because I was holding every comment in side and when I was alone they'd overwhelm me.

In all fairness I feel like Brandon needs to ask my friends just how much I use to bring him up in random everyday conversation once every ten minutes, because honestly I maybe bring him up once every two months. When were fighting. To prove a point. So do i think its the end of the world that he comes up? No, I actually think I'd be crazier if I didn't bring up the man I was in love with for a whopping five years and all of my high school experience. He's lucky that I edit him out of most of the stories I tell. Heck he brings up his ex at least once a week and they we're just together for a few months.

Of course this whole story will never leave my lips to Brandon because he'd accuse me of bringing him up too much once again.

Dear..

Marinela MicPlucic,

There was once a time i couldn't imagine telling my secrets to anyone but you. There was once a time when I was only happy jumping into your car listening to loud music smoking like chimneys and talking about retarded ex's. There was a time when I knew boys come and go but we we're forever. I fucked up to realize that you were my best friend no matter how many times I was stupid and went back to whats his face and you swore you'd never talk to me again if I did. But you were still always there. Yes I didn't see you everyday no I didn't talk to you everyday but when we need each other there was no question we were there for one another.

I miss you still. I have none of this. I lost one of the greatest friendships I knew and I never guessed it would be you. There's logic to my craziness and my no longer keeping close girlfriends. I already had the greatest girlfriend in the world and lost her I already know the connection we had can't be replaced because no one has the memories we do. I wasn't finished adding to them but I have no choice.

The worst part is I don't even know why it ended. Its worse then a break up where you knew all along that the end was inevitable. It was a friendship a sisterhood. Now well I go on and pretend it doesn't bother me. Instead of drunk calling ex's I wanna drunk call you and yell and scream "WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME?!?!?!?" It's worse then every break up I've ever had and you know most of them we bad. For once I didn't expect for someone to leave me with out an answer because she's a girl she should understand how hard break up's are when there's no explanation but she didn't follow protocol she dropped me like a dick with out a goodbye or an awful email or text.

I woke up one day and she was just gone. Every part of life is fulfilled but this.

beautiful things I make...