Little of this little of that

Everyone has that one thing that makes them feel special, pretty, or confident. That one thing that they put on and it instantly makes them feel better about them self's. For the past five years I've had band shirts that are so worn their covered in holes and smell like me (not in a gross way). Just the other day though when I went searching for my favorite one I stumbled upon my favorite old two stringed pearl necklace, and I put it on and guess what, it gave me that same safe confident pretty feeling that it's never done before. The thing is I've never thought my jewelry could do this because I hate jewelry usually. I own a lot of it but hate it on for to long. Plus the shirts have kind of been a crutch for me all these years.

What I'm trying to say is in this crazy moment when the necklace was safely clasped around my neck and i touched and looked at myself in awe and felt better, safer I was extremely proud of myself. I instantly stopped looking for my shirt and went on with my day. It was then that I felt the gravitational pull further away from him.

People complain that they don't understand why i still speak of him but here are my thoughts:

*When I wasn't talking about him I wanted to.
*When I wasn't talking about him the second he came up I'd hyper ventilate and over react.
*When I wasn't talking about him and would see him I'd instantly take it as a sign from the love gods that we needed to get back together.
*When I wasn't talking about him I tried very stupid things because I was holding every comment in side and when I was alone they'd overwhelm me.

In all fairness I feel like Brandon needs to ask my friends just how much I use to bring him up in random everyday conversation once every ten minutes, because honestly I maybe bring him up once every two months. When were fighting. To prove a point. So do i think its the end of the world that he comes up? No, I actually think I'd be crazier if I didn't bring up the man I was in love with for a whopping five years and all of my high school experience. He's lucky that I edit him out of most of the stories I tell. Heck he brings up his ex at least once a week and they we're just together for a few months.

Of course this whole story will never leave my lips to Brandon because he'd accuse me of bringing him up too much once again.

Dear..

Marinela MicPlucic,

There was once a time i couldn't imagine telling my secrets to anyone but you. There was once a time when I was only happy jumping into your car listening to loud music smoking like chimneys and talking about retarded ex's. There was a time when I knew boys come and go but we we're forever. I fucked up to realize that you were my best friend no matter how many times I was stupid and went back to whats his face and you swore you'd never talk to me again if I did. But you were still always there. Yes I didn't see you everyday no I didn't talk to you everyday but when we need each other there was no question we were there for one another.

I miss you still. I have none of this. I lost one of the greatest friendships I knew and I never guessed it would be you. There's logic to my craziness and my no longer keeping close girlfriends. I already had the greatest girlfriend in the world and lost her I already know the connection we had can't be replaced because no one has the memories we do. I wasn't finished adding to them but I have no choice.

The worst part is I don't even know why it ended. Its worse then a break up where you knew all along that the end was inevitable. It was a friendship a sisterhood. Now well I go on and pretend it doesn't bother me. Instead of drunk calling ex's I wanna drunk call you and yell and scream "WHY'D YOU LEAVE ME?!?!?!?" It's worse then every break up I've ever had and you know most of them we bad. For once I didn't expect for someone to leave me with out an answer because she's a girl she should understand how hard break up's are when there's no explanation but she didn't follow protocol she dropped me like a dick with out a goodbye or an awful email or text.

I woke up one day and she was just gone. Every part of life is fulfilled but this.

beautiful things I make...

Lyrical romance

Oldies but goodies of mine:

TIME:
Time holds all the answers
but never lets us in
we never reach tomorrow
we never know when today will end.
one moment it's almost gone then it's back again,
for more.
yesterday is in the past never really lived
today last forever
tomorrow is what we hope for
It's all in a matter of time.

LET GO:
The morning light hits at dawn
a smile of hope graces the day
unknown to where she is
this is not her life
where had she gone wrong
why are there scars
why dose this feeling hurt her heart
still unknown to why
she slowly closes her eyes
opens them again it's still not right
where is he the one who love's her so
how did this happen has she finally
just let go.

TELL ME:
tell me something to believe in.
tell me something to trust.
tell me this isn't just lust.
they tell me it's gone.
so tell me you saw it real.
tell me that's why you said it.
tell me something true.
tell me something great.
tell me there's others just like you and me.
so just tell me a story.
something to keep me here with you.

REASON:
I always wonder why.
Why am I here?
Why I love you?
I have wondered what it would have been like,
To be yours totaly and completely.
The thoughts roll by again and again.
You tell me you miss me.
You say you loved me then what happend.
Where did it go.
The passion the love.
The memories are here just with me.
Are they with you.
Do you care do you even notice I'm still there
Always have been I've seen you with others
So whats the reason for "us"
There doesn't seem to be room for it anymore.
So just give me a reason
To still love you.

STILL:
I still remember the times that you made me
cry and you weren't there to whip my eye and apologize.
You said you never ment to hurt me but that
dosen't mean you didn't.It means you know how
to lie. Espeacilly to me.
The words you said pierced my heart and tore
my world apart.
I was scared, in fear of letting go of my
past and moving on to my future.
I knew I'd always miss you and forget you never.
Nothing will ever be clear again the
moments we shared and the moments that made me cry
even the moments I lost still hurt me inside
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
You and me.

WHY:
A great man once asked me why.
As I looked in his eye
I swear I almost cried.
I tried to fight back the tears but they were
stronger then I was I turned to say
Why this couldn't work because
I knew it was time to tell him good bye.
As the tear left my eye. He stopped asking why.
I knew what it meant when he asked
I just didn't know why it hurt to
not have us last.
I wanted it all along but when asked to
answer why it makes me cry.

TOO MANY TIMES:
Too many times I had to say good bye
Too many times I had to erase you from my life
Too many words were left unspoken
Too many times I had to cry
Too many times I had to stand up and smile
Too many times I was faced with denial
Too many times I had to take you back
Too many times I walked on by
\Too many times my eyes were full of tears
Too many times we were not near
Too many times our eyes never met
I still forgive you I ignore your lies
But right now I must say
We've done this too many times.

JADED:
Fallen from grace
There is no place
There is no one to save her
She's lost in a dream
That no one can see
Because he took it away from me.

beautiful things i see...

I can feel the pain in my throat rising as it slips further away. I begin to let go this world is fading, is this even real? Am I still breathing? Say goodbye to all you ever knew. This life has passed you, has let you go. It washes over me, gives me this curse.

I wonder if I exist in your mind anymore.
I wonder if I should care.

How can I really not be there.
I hold my breath and count to ten and try to bring my self to where you are.
I ran from you now your hiding from me.
Can this really be for the best letting myself go for you with out you calling out for help.

I feel weightless in this endless sleep I'm awake but not really here I drag my hand across something cold. hospital walls all around me people talking and I feel my self laughing. How can laughter come from a dead girl.

I see my fathers face aged and raged and I feel like crying but nothing comes out. I did this to him for you and you don't even care. We've been through this before me and my family my back bone we can do it again but why am I here again.

I feel weight less so weightless i feel as if I'm falling but I can't really feel anything else. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel it with every breath I take a part of me wants it to stop.

I've really done it this time says a nurse as she hooks me up to a machine she says "this might be cold" but I can't feel a thing as her hand slides up my grown and sticks things all over my. the rooms moving fast but we're still in place.

She tells me she needs me to get up and I nearly fall she must be right I've really done it this time. A part of me remembers what happens now. You fall away from me and I don't feel the same.

Every time I lave this place a part of me stays the part that really need to die.

Because I'm young I'm supposed to be stronger then this so I leave the bad behind who only knows how I manage to leave here a better person more focused stronger.

My faith gets ripped further from me each time but somewhere out there, there's hope. It's in my fathers eyes it's at the finger tips of my eldest brother I just needed the shock of death to feel the strength of there hope fighting through me for me. I need someone else to fight for me sometimes but I promise them it's the last and a part of me believes it. I'll get better with hope and faith I'll make it through the storm that has yet to pass.