All the bend in all the roads

Life has never been simple. Not that it ever needed to be or said it would be. Time after time each time I catch my breath I lose it again. I have always been a fighter. I can not argue that or diminish my fight but a break would be lovely. I got my footing just right was gifted a second chance and another. I am determined to make the best of it. Not an easy feat but I am attempting to make it. As I was diagnosed with MS I looked to my love and said that is it you are stuck with me now broken and all. We had a plan now our plan has changed, "let us make it as far as we can together" I want to be around for once. My family is growing and I am damn proud of it, I can not leave now. My health is at its all time best which might be why the diagnoses came so late. I want to stay healthy and active, I want to be around for him and our future. I also hate the cards I keep dealing to his side of the table. Ope no kids, take that one down. Years after wanting him to commit to a giant family. After he was finally in a place to say "Yes, I do want children." My diagnoses takes it off our table. Marriage the way we dreamed is off the table not a never but just postponed. My past does not define me but if it could stop leaving scars that would also be nice.

Hmmmm

I really hate being wrong. It's a pet peeve. So when I go out of my way and pick someone to be in my life, I expect that they will stay. 

I'm really bad at picking the right people to stand by my side. I'm a very simple person and I've learned to cut to the chase and lay everything I have on the table. I don't want to throw curve balls at someone. I don't want to shock them. 

Since this is what I do and what I have been doing it shocks me that I found someone who didn't realize that when I say "Hey I'm done dating I'm looking for my future if that's not for you cool let's be friends otherwise don't get my hopes up." I meant every word of it. 

It's even more difficult for me to understand how someone can move six hours away from everything they know to be with me not be looking for the same thing. 

All the signs were there but there's a word for what I was suffering and it's called bliss. I was happy. 

I had a horrible year and it was only looking worse and then there I was happy. I looked forward to waking up and starting my life. Blind to what was right in front of me. 

There was no marriage, children, and a white picket fence in the cards that I was sharing a deck with, There might never be those things for this person.

That breaks my heart. Love is so simple if it's not love don't call it love. Don't wrap it up and put a bow on it make a giant gesture and pull the carpet out from someone. 

It's rude and I was taught to be polite. 

I'm a tiny broken. I don't want to be. I'm a strong person I've been through worse. I can lie and say it's not a big deal but god damn it, it is a big deal. 

I truly thought this man was the one. I wanted to marry him for heavens sake. To know that he doesn't want to get married.. Maybe ever, makes me feel as if it's not him or us but simply me. 

"Don't fret" they say "he has no passion" they say "it's not you!" But isn't it me I'm not the one. I'm not the girl to blow his mind so that he wants to give her his last name. It's not him. It's clearly me. I wasn't the one to knock the air out of him. 

Why the act? Is that something I have to look forward to? Instead of men crying wolf are they crying future? If so this is going to be a long journey.

I'm a strong person. I can do this. I can be his friend. His roommate. I can coincide next to the man who cried future. Right?

I may not be that strong right now. I'm scared. I'm alone. Not physically but mentally. I feel like my pain was paused by bliss. It's seeping threw the door. It's searching and I don't want it to find me. 

I might have a mess on my hands. Thinking of everything that has happened and not having someone to help me keep myself grounded. That sounds weak but I slip. I let the ground fall out from under me. I fall. I don't make a sound I just slowly fall. 

I'm scared of falling into my hole of sadness and disappointment. It's a very dark place. There are a lot of bad things there, a lot of rocks I haven't overturned. Things I don't want to overturn. 

I made a promise as a mother I would not be weak. But even being a mother is a rock I don't want to deal with. My daughter is not with me. My daughter is in a better safer place. I am a childless mother.

I always find a way always have always will. I might drown. But I'll get to my shore eventually. Until then I guess I'm sinking and that's important for me to say.

Re-Living

Life is funny. Not in the cliche way but it is. I have been alive for 22 years 9 months and 30 days, yet until a few months ago I really never saw the beauty in it all. A year ago I was finding out I was pregnant and dealing with all that comes with that. I was seeing my baby girl for one of the first and last times. I was learning that the life I had chosen was all wrong for me. It's funny and it's sad that her life and death is what made me live. I was the kind of person how didn't value life, I took each day for granted. It's true what they say losing someone breaks your heart. I was broken beaten and bruised. I had scars that had yet to heal when I lost her. I made so many mistakes before she was made that I hadn't even realized they were mistakes. I thought I was living wild young and free. I made one mistake after I lost her and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not looking at the things I'm doing as mistakes that will over take my life. They are more steps I need to take to find my... Life. I believe I have found the person who will stand by my side for as long as I'll keep him. It's incredibly scary. Finding someone who will take your breath away by just existing. I hit my pain quota for a large part if my life. I was rewarded with someone as beautiful as him. I'm so proud of the life I've been leading the past months. I have a job I love, I have friends that I can depend on, I have a family that's stronger then anything I've ever known, I am in a relationship that I can be proud of. My life is shaping up my ducks so to say are lining up. I'm starting to ease into this life. I can only hope I'm done with the mess for a while and enjoy this time in my life because minus my daughters first year that I should be experiencing it's beginning to look like the best time of my life.

Things To Read

That I've Made

Things to look at

Pretty Words Playing In My Head

"You might sit there and hate me or at least try really hard to find it in yourself to hate me. You might sit there and think everything I ever did was to hurt you. You might not think that every word I said to you was made for you but they were. All of it was real like the air I breath and it was made for you.

I'd do anything to find my way back to that voice that sound that kept me sane, that laugh that was only for me. All the whispers of dreams of tomorrow and hopes of the perfect life it was so simple back then, thinking of you and I planning our future seeing no end in sight we were still hopeless children not knowing what this place had in store for us. I still feel you here with me from time to time."

I hear the breeze as I sit on this deck out in my new home. I wrote those words so long ago I barely remember who I was then, I remember writing them. I was in California and I was very almost drunk (hahaha) and the guys were playing this same beat over and over again. I went to the kitchen grabbed another beer (as if I needed another one) jumped on the counter, grabbed my blackberry and started typing what I believed to be song lyrics. When I finally read them the next day they were almost to beautiful to be song lyrics. They were about Gerrot, and funny enough some girl who hated me at the time inspired me to write it the way I did.

I had a funny way of making everything about him back then. I honestly probably just fell out of love with that man a year ago. That's a completely different story on how that came about. What I always donned as gerrots was almost every word I ever wrote from 2005-2011. That's a huge chunk of time and words that I gave him. What I never realized until recently is that almost everything I wrote thinking of gerrot were actually about someone different entirely. Like the words above those have a certain guys name written all over them, but I couldn't see that in 2009 when I wrote them I was to close I was too "in love". Everything about those words match my failure with the man I once refereed to as my future ex husband who shall remain name less for his sake.

I see it now this man was my friend my best friend and he hurt me but to make matters worse he hurt me and then ended our friendship. I was thinking about him that day I wrote those "lyrics" earlier in the night I was playing the guitar and saw myself sitting in his shed back home jamming out. I will always have fond thoughts of him. Even when we drifted apart I still counted on him and he truly remains one of my closes friends. Gerrot was never childish EVER and I will never sit and think of him fondly. Almost every word out of my mouth to that man was scripted for the actress I was playing called "gerrots perfect mate".

I now believe I never wrote a word when I was with Gerrot not because I was insanely happy but because I wasn't myself a minute with him. I couldn't be creative because that wasn't the part. I never touched a paint brush or pencil when we were together only when we were apart was I able to truly express myself.

I was also playing a part with the last victim the part was "yay bianca finally found love in a totally helpless place" I wanted to be in love so badly I literally made it up in my head. I once again wasn't myself I once again let a man walk all over me for the sake of calling myself happy I was a complete phony. I would have never known I was playing another part if it wasn't for this stupid man making a comment one day that I never painted with him. I didn't believe it. Of course I did I thought but then I realized I didn't pick up my brushes once in the two years we spent together. I also wrote complete crap that was either about someone else or just rambling.

Here I am I actually had to fight to get here. For the first time in my life I had to be happy without a man. Mind you it only lasted two weeks but my god I did it. I was sketching and writing my little butt off and working harder at work then I ever have in my life. I was happy totally satisfied and as cold as it was I was even running again something I hadn't done since the last time I left gerrot. Here I was figuring it out all on my own. How grown up of me.



Then well I took a chance. I was up later then I should have been I had to work at 4 am the next day I had to run. I took a long one next thing I knew it was 10pm way past my bed time. I took some sleeping pills washed them down with some rehab. Then glued myself to my phone to put myself to sleep and there was this name I couldn't get out of my head. So I got on fb typed it in and there he was. No sign of a girlfriend so I took the creeper approach and messaged him. Basically the message was some lame nudge nudge wink wink here's my number we should hang out sometime. No need to judge I'm totally kicking myself for just not talking to the guy who swears he already knew I liked him (there's no way in hell he knew I keep everything on the dl I'm amazing at playing it off(maybe)) Now our story will always start so i was all drugged up on sleeping pills and monster rehab and I got ambitious and threw my number out there. Either way the sucka responded within minutes.

To make a long story even longer, I found myself and then I found him. I wasn't even really trying I swear! I went to work at 4am and the rest is history minus this, I'm writing not this blog clearly and i'm still sketching and painting. I'm currently going to the gym and now running around suburbia. I'm myself and I'm in love I'm not use to it but I really love it.

Veins

For my daughter:

At the end of the day your still in my veins.

I felt a stir from deep inside woke me up in the night I wanted to call you to say goodnight I should have known my little girl was saying goodbye I awoke in the morning and felt her body shifting I didn't think to count the kicks saw my doctor in the afternoon he had nothing but bad news I cried with my mother and father thinking the whole time I wouldn't be able to call her name and see her walk my way I thought of all the moments I'd miss I'd never see her grow I thought I should have called you but I couldn't bring myself to move my house was a sad place all of us mourning the loss of such a new family member shed never play with her cousins sleep in her crib we'd never nap a Sunday afternoon away because she was taken away as much as I wanted to join my daughter and hold her hand through to the other side I knew I couldn't leave her memory un turned I'd stay and keep her name and life alive such a precious miracle taken away I'd have her again I'd get my little girl back one day but it'd never be the same.