I'm really bad at picking the right people to stand by my side. I'm a very simple person and I've learned to cut to the chase and lay everything I have on the table. I don't want to throw curve balls at someone. I don't want to shock them.
Since this is what I do and what I have been doing it shocks me that I found someone who didn't realize that when I say "Hey I'm done dating I'm looking for my future if that's not for you cool let's be friends otherwise don't get my hopes up." I meant every word of it.
It's even more difficult for me to understand how someone can move six hours away from everything they know to be with me not be looking for the same thing.
All the signs were there but there's a word for what I was suffering and it's called bliss. I was happy.
I had a horrible year and it was only looking worse and then there I was happy. I looked forward to waking up and starting my life. Blind to what was right in front of me.
There was no marriage, children, and a white picket fence in the cards that I was sharing a deck with, There might never be those things for this person.
That breaks my heart. Love is so simple if it's not love don't call it love. Don't wrap it up and put a bow on it make a giant gesture and pull the carpet out from someone.
It's rude and I was taught to be polite.
I'm a tiny broken. I don't want to be. I'm a strong person I've been through worse. I can lie and say it's not a big deal but god damn it, it is a big deal.
I truly thought this man was the one. I wanted to marry him for heavens sake. To know that he doesn't want to get married.. Maybe ever, makes me feel as if it's not him or us but simply me.
"Don't fret" they say "he has no passion" they say "it's not you!" But isn't it me I'm not the one. I'm not the girl to blow his mind so that he wants to give her his last name. It's not him. It's clearly me. I wasn't the one to knock the air out of him.
Why the act? Is that something I have to look forward to? Instead of men crying wolf are they crying future? If so this is going to be a long journey.
I'm a strong person. I can do this. I can be his friend. His roommate. I can coincide next to the man who cried future. Right?
I may not be that strong right now. I'm scared. I'm alone. Not physically but mentally. I feel like my pain was paused by bliss. It's seeping threw the door. It's searching and I don't want it to find me.
I might have a mess on my hands. Thinking of everything that has happened and not having someone to help me keep myself grounded. That sounds weak but I slip. I let the ground fall out from under me. I fall. I don't make a sound I just slowly fall.
I'm scared of falling into my hole of sadness and disappointment. It's a very dark place. There are a lot of bad things there, a lot of rocks I haven't overturned. Things I don't want to overturn.
I made a promise as a mother I would not be weak. But even being a mother is a rock I don't want to deal with. My daughter is not with me. My daughter is in a better safer place. I am a childless mother.
I always find a way always have always will. I might drown. But I'll get to my shore eventually. Until then I guess I'm sinking and that's important for me to say.
