Monday, April 30, 2012
Re-Living
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Pretty Words Playing In My Head
"You might sit there and hate me or at least try really hard to find it in yourself to hate me. You might sit there and think everything I ever did was to hurt you. You might not think that every word I said to you was made for you but they were. All of it was real like the air I breath and it was made for you.
I'd do anything to find my way back to that voice that sound that kept me sane, that laugh that was only for me. All the whispers of dreams of tomorrow and hopes of the perfect life it was so simple back then, thinking of you and I planning our future seeing no end in sight we were still hopeless children not knowing what this place had in store for us. I still feel you here with me from time to time."
I hear the breeze as I sit on this deck out in my new home. I wrote those words so long ago I barely remember who I was then, I remember writing them. I was in California and I was very almost drunk (hahaha) and the guys were playing this same beat over and over again. I went to the kitchen grabbed another beer (as if I needed another one) jumped on the counter, grabbed my blackberry and started typing what I believed to be song lyrics. When I finally read them the next day they were almost to beautiful to be song lyrics. They were about Gerrot, and funny enough some girl who hated me at the time inspired me to write it the way I did.
I had a funny way of making everything about him back then. I honestly probably just fell out of love with that man a year ago. That's a completely different story on how that came about. What I always donned as gerrots was almost every word I ever wrote from 2005-2011. That's a huge chunk of time and words that I gave him. What I never realized until recently is that almost everything I wrote thinking of gerrot were actually about someone different entirely. Like the words above those have a certain guys name written all over them, but I couldn't see that in 2009 when I wrote them I was to close I was too "in love". Everything about those words match my failure with the man I once refereed to as my future ex husband who shall remain name less for his sake.
I see it now this man was my friend my best friend and he hurt me but to make matters worse he hurt me and then ended our friendship. I was thinking about him that day I wrote those "lyrics" earlier in the night I was playing the guitar and saw myself sitting in his shed back home jamming out. I will always have fond thoughts of him. Even when we drifted apart I still counted on him and he truly remains one of my closes friends. Gerrot was never childish EVER and I will never sit and think of him fondly. Almost every word out of my mouth to that man was scripted for the actress I was playing called "gerrots perfect mate".
I now believe I never wrote a word when I was with Gerrot not because I was insanely happy but because I wasn't myself a minute with him. I couldn't be creative because that wasn't the part. I never touched a paint brush or pencil when we were together only when we were apart was I able to truly express myself.
I was also playing a part with the last victim the part was "yay bianca finally found love in a totally helpless place" I wanted to be in love so badly I literally made it up in my head. I once again wasn't myself I once again let a man walk all over me for the sake of calling myself happy I was a complete phony. I would have never known I was playing another part if it wasn't for this stupid man making a comment one day that I never painted with him. I didn't believe it. Of course I did I thought but then I realized I didn't pick up my brushes once in the two years we spent together. I also wrote complete crap that was either about someone else or just rambling.
Here I am I actually had to fight to get here. For the first time in my life I had to be happy without a man. Mind you it only lasted two weeks but my god I did it. I was sketching and writing my little butt off and working harder at work then I ever have in my life. I was happy totally satisfied and as cold as it was I was even running again something I hadn't done since the last time I left gerrot. Here I was figuring it out all on my own. How grown up of me.
Then well I took a chance. I was up later then I should have been I had to work at 4 am the next day I had to run. I took a long one next thing I knew it was 10pm way past my bed time. I took some sleeping pills washed them down with some rehab. Then glued myself to my phone to put myself to sleep and there was this name I couldn't get out of my head. So I got on fb typed it in and there he was. No sign of a girlfriend so I took the creeper approach and messaged him. Basically the message was some lame nudge nudge wink wink here's my number we should hang out sometime. No need to judge I'm totally kicking myself for just not talking to the guy who swears he already knew I liked him (there's no way in hell he knew I keep everything on the dl I'm amazing at playing it off(maybe)) Now our story will always start so i was all drugged up on sleeping pills and monster rehab and I got ambitious and threw my number out there. Either way the sucka responded within minutes.
To make a long story even longer, I found myself and then I found him. I wasn't even really trying I swear! I went to work at 4am and the rest is history minus this, I'm writing not this blog clearly and i'm still sketching and painting. I'm currently going to the gym and now running around suburbia. I'm myself and I'm in love I'm not use to it but I really love it.
I'd do anything to find my way back to that voice that sound that kept me sane, that laugh that was only for me. All the whispers of dreams of tomorrow and hopes of the perfect life it was so simple back then, thinking of you and I planning our future seeing no end in sight we were still hopeless children not knowing what this place had in store for us. I still feel you here with me from time to time."
I hear the breeze as I sit on this deck out in my new home. I wrote those words so long ago I barely remember who I was then, I remember writing them. I was in California and I was very almost drunk (hahaha) and the guys were playing this same beat over and over again. I went to the kitchen grabbed another beer (as if I needed another one) jumped on the counter, grabbed my blackberry and started typing what I believed to be song lyrics. When I finally read them the next day they were almost to beautiful to be song lyrics. They were about Gerrot, and funny enough some girl who hated me at the time inspired me to write it the way I did.
I had a funny way of making everything about him back then. I honestly probably just fell out of love with that man a year ago. That's a completely different story on how that came about. What I always donned as gerrots was almost every word I ever wrote from 2005-2011. That's a huge chunk of time and words that I gave him. What I never realized until recently is that almost everything I wrote thinking of gerrot were actually about someone different entirely. Like the words above those have a certain guys name written all over them, but I couldn't see that in 2009 when I wrote them I was to close I was too "in love". Everything about those words match my failure with the man I once refereed to as my future ex husband who shall remain name less for his sake.
I see it now this man was my friend my best friend and he hurt me but to make matters worse he hurt me and then ended our friendship. I was thinking about him that day I wrote those "lyrics" earlier in the night I was playing the guitar and saw myself sitting in his shed back home jamming out. I will always have fond thoughts of him. Even when we drifted apart I still counted on him and he truly remains one of my closes friends. Gerrot was never childish EVER and I will never sit and think of him fondly. Almost every word out of my mouth to that man was scripted for the actress I was playing called "gerrots perfect mate".
I now believe I never wrote a word when I was with Gerrot not because I was insanely happy but because I wasn't myself a minute with him. I couldn't be creative because that wasn't the part. I never touched a paint brush or pencil when we were together only when we were apart was I able to truly express myself.
I was also playing a part with the last victim the part was "yay bianca finally found love in a totally helpless place" I wanted to be in love so badly I literally made it up in my head. I once again wasn't myself I once again let a man walk all over me for the sake of calling myself happy I was a complete phony. I would have never known I was playing another part if it wasn't for this stupid man making a comment one day that I never painted with him. I didn't believe it. Of course I did I thought but then I realized I didn't pick up my brushes once in the two years we spent together. I also wrote complete crap that was either about someone else or just rambling.
Here I am I actually had to fight to get here. For the first time in my life I had to be happy without a man. Mind you it only lasted two weeks but my god I did it. I was sketching and writing my little butt off and working harder at work then I ever have in my life. I was happy totally satisfied and as cold as it was I was even running again something I hadn't done since the last time I left gerrot. Here I was figuring it out all on my own. How grown up of me.
Then well I took a chance. I was up later then I should have been I had to work at 4 am the next day I had to run. I took a long one next thing I knew it was 10pm way past my bed time. I took some sleeping pills washed them down with some rehab. Then glued myself to my phone to put myself to sleep and there was this name I couldn't get out of my head. So I got on fb typed it in and there he was. No sign of a girlfriend so I took the creeper approach and messaged him. Basically the message was some lame nudge nudge wink wink here's my number we should hang out sometime. No need to judge I'm totally kicking myself for just not talking to the guy who swears he already knew I liked him (there's no way in hell he knew I keep everything on the dl I'm amazing at playing it off(maybe)) Now our story will always start so i was all drugged up on sleeping pills and monster rehab and I got ambitious and threw my number out there. Either way the sucka responded within minutes.
To make a long story even longer, I found myself and then I found him. I wasn't even really trying I swear! I went to work at 4am and the rest is history minus this, I'm writing not this blog clearly and i'm still sketching and painting. I'm currently going to the gym and now running around suburbia. I'm myself and I'm in love I'm not use to it but I really love it.
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