Veins

For my daughter:

At the end of the day your still in my veins.

I felt a stir from deep inside woke me up in the night I wanted to call you to say goodnight I should have known my little girl was saying goodbye I awoke in the morning and felt her body shifting I didn't think to count the kicks saw my doctor in the afternoon he had nothing but bad news I cried with my mother and father thinking the whole time I wouldn't be able to call her name and see her walk my way I thought of all the moments I'd miss I'd never see her grow I thought I should have called you but I couldn't bring myself to move my house was a sad place all of us mourning the loss of such a new family member shed never play with her cousins sleep in her crib we'd never nap a Sunday afternoon away because she was taken away as much as I wanted to join my daughter and hold her hand through to the other side I knew I couldn't leave her memory un turned I'd stay and keep her name and life alive such a precious miracle taken away I'd have her again I'd get my little girl back one day but it'd never be the same.

Mine

I miss being held tightly to his chest as night turned to day and days turned to weeks dreams turned to life and fantasy's were real

The nights we'd fall asleep gazing into one another's eyes and wake with smiles that would haunt me years in the future

Dull memories never came of ours they lie vivid in my minds eye the mornings he'd wake me up gazing in my eyes whispering he wished he could always have me that way

Naked wrapped in sheets makeup less, fearless, hopelessly dreaming of us waking to his kisses and words would get me through my day

Words no one else shared but us in those moments locked up in his bed actions that could never be rein acted feelings that could never be replaced

True love filled our memories as they were filled away in protective cases sealed in our hearts you can't find love like ours

As the days wore on and the memories shown brighter our love lived on as our time ran out and we parted ways

I still dream of those moments, those mornings, those nights they will always remain the happiest moments in my life

As I grow old and walk this world alone hope lingers in my fingers for another love so strong

mmmmmMmmmmMmm

The world moves slower and slower.. I'm just chilling here waiting for it to stop. What happens when it stops? I mean does your life become redundant for a particular reason or is there an exact cause? A dull relationship, repetitive job, or not furthering an education? I will admit I have just cause to have not gone on with school. When you have no idea what you want to do or be why waste good money on what you want to do today instead of what you want to do for the rest of your life.

As I sit here though watching my dog walk around in circles and my boyfriend play call of duty I can't help but wonder.... What the HELL am I doing? I am not supposed to be here am I? There's no way, I bet I could name a dozen or more teachers who would say "No Bianca get off your ass and start living your damn life." I've always had that problem. I have that mental state constantly you know if my life's already planed that means I can sit here and my life will just happen, yet my life has always had hiccup's and well "happened" when I get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

Whats that mean? Am I just extremely lazy? Where'd my ambition go then? mmmmmmmmmmMmmmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMmmm